


Falling Slowly

by Thewriterinme



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Clexa, College, Modern AU, The 100 - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-05
Updated: 2016-11-26
Packaged: 2018-03-21 08:36:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 48,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3685554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thewriterinme/pseuds/Thewriterinme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Modern day Clexa AU in which Clarke is a Sorority girl and Lexa is just a regular college student. </p>
<p>Clexa is endgame!!!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Partner Project

**Author's Note:**

> AN: I started writing Warpath when one of my friends mentioned that it reminded her of The 100. Which led me to watch the show, and obsess over it and Clexa too. I watched both seasons in less than a week, and I'm really happy with how they write every character. They make no excuses and offer no explanations. Plus, there's the bonus of a canonically lesbian commander and bi "you may be chancellor but I'm in charge" Clarke. Yay!

She had an idea that this class was never going to be her favorite, but it couldn't possibly get worse than this: this class required a partner project.

This is the lowest point in anyone's academic career. Nobody likes doing group projects, but Lexa firmly holds on to the belief that a partner project is even more ridiculous. Not only is your grade dependable on someone else but there isn't a third person (or fourth, or so on) to buffer the tension. Everyone has had a group project in which another person is just so unbearable that you want to kill them. But having the other people in the group gives you a chance to maybe not to that, and instead just focus on something else. In a partner project? You end up killing them.

This is why when the professor told them of this particular assignment, Lexa was less than pleased. She should have known; she was not necessarily anti-people, but she preferred to not deal with them. She still had time to drop this course, as it still was the first day of class and they were doing that annoying ritual of going over the syllabus.

It sucked though, because she needed this damn class if she was going to graduate in May. Being a senior for another semester is not something she was planning on, so she figured she might as well deal with it. The thing is, she isn't very good at making friends. The project requires a partner. Another person.

Well, shit. 

She scans the room for any faces that seem nice, not psycho, and like they would make some effort. This project was semester-long, so she needed someone reliable to keep up with the deadlines without her having to be on top of it all the time. She sighs, because as of right now, all she has noticed is the pretty blonde girl staring at her with a smirk on her lips, and the dude sitting next to her. It's not like she doesn't know who they are. Of course she does: Clarke Griffin and Bellamy Blake are in this class.

Clarke is the campus' favorite girl. She's the president of one of the sororities - Lexa doesn't bother to learn their names - and Bellamy is her go-to guy. She thinks maybe they're dating. Lexa rolls her eyes at Clarke's stare and continues searching the room for a possible partner. The last thing she wants is to partner up with one of them to be used for her skills and knowledge.

There's a tall guy sitting in the back of the classroom, the corner opposite hers, and she thinks that he is it. He seems the quiet type himself, and he seems approachable even as she sees the tattoos that peek from underneath his tee. Some crawl up his chest and neck and some run down his arms. The professor is still giving instructions on what the project entails; seems simple enough: make a presentation about the rise and fall of any civilization in history.

They are finally given the order to find a partner and talk about ideas for a few minutes and Lexa watches as the Bellamy boy makes way toward her. Nope, she's definitely not letting that happen, so she stands before he gets to her and turns set on asking the tall guy to be her partner. She stops dead on her tracks when she realizes another girl has beat her to it.

Annoyed, she turns back around to find Bellamy sitting on her chair. "What are you doing?" She asks him, letting her annoyance show.

He smiles up at her, that charming smile does nothing to disarm her, and says, "whatever the hell I want." Then he stands back up, motions for her to sit and introduces himself, "Bellamy Blake."

She practically scowls as she fixes her attention on trying to find another suitable partner. "I know who you are."

"Can I get your name?"

Lexa has about had it. She doesn't have patience for this kind of interaction. They both know what he's trying to do to so she gives him her full attention and lays it all out, "listen, I am not interested. Your rugged charm does nothing for me, and I know that you also don't find me interesting. All you're trying to do is get an easy A by hoping I partner up with you and do all the work in the project so you can slide by. Well, it's not going to happen. You can go now."

Bellamy stands impressed. Instead of running away like most guys would have done by now, he tilts his head at her and chuckles, "since we're being honest - I am trying all that. You're right. I should have tried a different approach. The rugged thing usually works," he admits with a shrug. "What should I have done differently?" He asks and he seems so sincere that Lexa almost... cares.

"You're not my type," Lexa tells him and scoffs. She can't believe that the fact he didn't walk away after her little spiel is getting to her. "Try being a girl."

"Oh," he says quietly. Then, "oh."

"Yeah, anyway, maybe next time try not being on someone's seat when they come back."

"Noted," he smiles. As he's about to turn, Lexa stops him.

"Blake." He stops and waits for her to say whatever she is going to say.

"We both still need partners."

They look around the room and it seems like mostly everyone has settled with a partner and started discussing ideas. Nobody had approached them probably because they looked like a partnership in the making. Even Bellamy's friend, Clarke, had found a guy to work with. He had goggles on his head, which Lexa mused was a bit strange, but whatever.

"You're right," Bellamy said and sat down on the desk next to hers. "I promise I won't be disgustingly charming the entire time."

Lexa really only cares about one thing, "are you going to do your part, Blake?"

He does the cross sign over his heart and she considers it until he adds, "promise, I'm actually a major history buff. Ask my friend, and she'll tell you." He throws a thumb in Clarke's direction and then relaxes further into the seat, crossing his arms. "Reason why I don't wanna work with her, as much as I love her, is that she makes fun of me for caring about this stuff. She would end up using me and making me do all the work."

Lexa's eyes drift toward Clarke once again, the girl is already looking their way. She raises a hand and waives and turns back toward the goggles kid. "She doesn't seem the type?"

"Well, we go way back. More like brother and sister, you know what I mean." Lexa nods, but no, she doesn't know. She's an only child and never had a close friend. Her father was in the Navy so they moved constantly as she was growing up. The longest she's been in one location has been her university. "Anyway, what did you want to do the project on?"

They spent the next thirty minutes exchanging ideas and Lexa really was glad that Bellamy was a history buff. Wow, did he know his stuff. She was even excited about working with him. She didn't know him all that well but he seemed like a good guy underneath his charm and popularity.

At the end of the first class, they had each other's numbers. Clarke was waiting by the door, hand on her backpack hanging loosely from her shoulder. She was just saying bye to the goggles kid when Bellamy and Lexa approached, "bye, Jasper! I'll text you!" She waved at the boy as he found a friend.

"Hey, Clarke," Bellamy greeted her. "This is Lexa, she's my partner. Lexa," Bellamy said turning back toward his new friend, "This is Clarke. Best friend extraordinaire. We hate each other," he makes a face at Clarke who laughs.

"Really can't stand this guy," Clarke jokes and then extends her hand toward Lexa, "don't trust a single word he says about me." Lexa thinks about what Bellamy told her about Clarke making fun of him and nods.

"Nice to meet you," she says in lieu of a response to her comment, but doesn't smile. She's wary of strangers, and this Clarke girl seems like a lot of trouble.

Clarke turns to Bellamy and raises an eyebrow, pursing her lips, "does your friend smile?"

Bellamy pushes her and admonishes, "Clarke. Be nice."

"Sorry, just checking. I don't bite, Lexa. Unless you're into that." She winks and then to Bellamy she says, "gotta go meet O."

Bellamy startles, "right! She's going to be pissed if we're late. I gotta go, Lexa, but it was really nice meeting you. We'll talk this week."

Lexa probably shows that she's overwhelmed and attempts to say goodbye without feeling awkward but the look Clarke gives her as she walks away is telling that they don't buy it. She hears Clarke comment with Bellamy, "she's interesting..." before they turn around a corner and get out of earshot. She grunts in frustration. She can't do anything else at this point though so she turns abruptly - right into the chest of the tall guy in her class.

Her books spill off her hands and she mutters a lot of cuss words as she crouches to pick them up. "Sorry," she mumbles. Then she notices he is kneeling helping her with a sweet look in his eyes.

"You alright?"

"Fine."

"Okay," he concedes. "I'm Lincoln. Saw you talking to Bellamy."

"You know him," she says. It was meant as a question but came out more like a statement. "Right, yes he's my partner."

Lincoln returns her the books and grimaces, "ouch. Sorry," he smiles and then adds, "I date his sister, Octavia."

"Oh," she says, not really knowing what she's supposed to say. She never asked for this much information from any of the people she's met in this class. She's been through 4 years of college invisible, why are people deciding to talk to her now?

She starts walking, and Lincoln keeps walking the same direction, so he continues talking to her, "he doesn't really approve it; he kind of hates me."

She doesn't really care about family drama, much less other peoples' drama, but she asks anyway, "how come?"

"Long story short," Lincoln starts, "he says I'm going to break her heart; says we're too different. Also," Lincoln's says the next part in a whisper, coming closer to Lexa and leaning since he's much taller, "I took her virginity. Think he found out from Clarke so, yeah. Now he wants to kill me."

"Oh," Lexa says once again, speechless.

Lincoln nods in agreement and then makes a face that practically reads, 'fuck it' and tells her, "careful with those two, they're dangerous. I gotta go, meet O."

Lexa figures by now that O is the sister, or Octavia as Lincoln has mentioned. "I thought -"

"Yeah, we're all having a little 'family get together' for her. We do it to keep her happy, but it's mainly uncomfortable."

"Good luck with that, I guess?" Lexa says, and cracks a small smile for the first time since this class started. She can't help but try to picture the three people she met tonight in the same room all trying to be polite to keep a fourth faceless person happy. She must be something.

"Thanks! See you around...?"

She realizes that while he introduced himself, she never returned the pleasantry. "Lexa, sorry."

"Cool. See you around, Lexa Sorry," he jokes and disappears down the same way the other two went. She's curious to get to know more of these people, they seem... well, interesting. She just hopes that their drama doesn't affect her project. All she wants is to pass this class with an A to graduate with honors, and then get a move on with her life.

Is that really too much to ask?


	2. At the Registrar's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke's POV - the second day of class.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay... been crazy busy and lacking time to write. I switched up the POV because I like to get both senses of what the characters are going through. I'm hoping of keeping this same pattern (Lexa, Clarke, Lexa) through the fic, but it may just be that I write 2 Lexa chapters one after the other... who knows? 
> 
> Enjoy :)

Being her has its perks, that she would not dare deny. She could get almost anyone on campus to bring her a donut if she's hungry, and she always gets the answers to tests the day before to be able to pass the classes she struggles with the most. She dates anyone she wants, and everyone wants to be her friend. She's a natural born leader; it's normal for her to be in charge of people. 

As the Alpha Delta Pi president, Clarke also has responsibilities, so her life is not always as easy as it sounds. She has to be on top of planning parties and events for the sorority as well as making sure none of her pledges are getting into (too much) trouble and her sisters are passing their classes. This means that she has other things to worry about besides her ridiculous Ancient Civilizations history course and being in this room right now is seriously giving her an allergy reaction. 

Bellamy sits to her right, diligently taking notes (because nerd, duh) and occasionally chatting up with Lexa, who he has convinced to sit with them. When they officially met the other day, Clarke was intrigued by the girl and the way she interacted with Bellamy. The first thought Clarke had is how beautiful Lexa is up close and personal and she could only imagine how much more beautiful she must be when she smiles. But the girl had been curt and difficult to get a reaction out of, and that sparked an interest in Clarke.

Jasper sits to Clarke's right, trying but failing miserably to stay awake while the professor goes on with lecture. 

"Hey," Clarke whispers at Bellamy. He turns to her and raises an eyebrow to encourage her to speak. "This sucks. I'm going to leave early." 

He whispers harshly back, "Clarke! It's only the second day of class." 

"I'm sure I'll figure out a way to pass. Can I please, please, please, Bell, have a copy of your notes?" 

Bellamy narrows his eyes at Clarke but ends up nodding in agreement anyway. "Thanks!" She continues, "you're the best!" She gives him a quick peck on the cheek and stands up to grab her things. 

Right as she's about to leave the professor clears his throat and, "Uh, excuse me, miss? Where do you think you're going?" 

Oh, no. That's always embarrassing. "Sorry, Dr. Lachley," Clarke utilizes her most polite voice, the one she's polished through years of use to impress parents, chairmembers, and other peers to get her way. "I need to go - it's an emergency at the Alpha Delta Pi house." 

He shrugs, "what's your name, missy?" 

She looks around, confused as to why he would be asking for her name. People know who she is, even teachers. "Clarke... Griffin." 

"Ah, the griffin! Interesting mythological creature. Do you know what it is?" Clarke can feel herself slowly getting redder as she gets more and more embarrassed by the situation. Normally she would be able to play this off, but she can also feel the judgemental stare of Bellamy's new friend and for reasons she can't place, that is what's pissing her off the most. 

"Part lion, part eagle, pretty powerful." 

"Impressive, Ms. Clarke. I'm surprised. Well, as much as I'd love to continue this conversation with you, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to sit back down. As you recall from my syllabus discussion on the first day of class, I do not tolerate anyone leaving class unless they have told me prior to the beginning of lecture." 

Clarke is pretty angry and frustrated at this point. She has never been more humiliated before in her life and this professor has done it in less than two minutes. But she's also ashamed so she slowly sinks back down to her seat and drops her bag unceremoniously on the floor. Bellamy does his best to stifle a giggle. Clarke punches his arm. 

She also avoids looking at the girl next to Bellamy. She can feel her looking. 

"Let it be known that you do not have to come to class," Dr. Lachley speaks turning back to his notes, "however if you are here, please do not distract my students by leaving after I have begun. It disrupts the learning process of those that are here to learn and it is also disrespectful to me, your teacher, the subject expert matter. I am the one that is investing his time in your education and I would prefer..." he pauses for dramatic effect and eyes Clarke, "that you do not waste my time." 

Clarke always thought that professors and teachers who give lessons about wasting time are hypocrites. He could have just told her to sit back down, but no. No that would have been too easy. Whatever, fuck that guy. 

Once Dr. Lachley has begun his lecturing again, Clarke takes out her phone to text Raven, her best friend. One of Raven's many qualities is her ability to text back quickly. She needed this. 

*Clarke: seriously got humiliated by my prof in class just now. 

*Raven: lol are you serious? what happened? 

*Clarke: I tried to leave, he busted  
me and made a big deal about it. 

*Raven: is this the class you're in with Bell  
and the girl you described as "interesting"? 

*Clarke: I can *feel* her judging me, Raven. 

*Raven: is she cute? 

*Clarke: surprised it took you this long to ask. She's...  
decent looking I guess? Didn't pay attention. 

*Raven: liar. You always pay attention. Send me a picture! 

*Clarke: no, that's awkward as fuck! 

*Raven: fine! You'll just have to describe her. 

*Clarke: like... she's got curly-ish brown hair, green eyes,  
and you know, perfectly pink lips...  
but I wasn't paying attention. 

*Raven: how's her rack? Does she have one? 

*Clarke: you know, sometimes I think  
you're more into girls than I am. 

*Raven: answer the question, C.  
*Raven: and I'm really only into you being  
into girls! I care about you and your sex life.

*Clarke: you know *I'm* bi and you're straight, right?  
Besides, can you not? That's slightly disturbing.

*Raven: I can appreciate the female body.  
Now answer the damn question. 

*Clarke: yes, she's... endowed. 

*Raven: hit that! She's 150% your type! 

*Clarke: did you miss the part where I told you she hates me? 

*Raven: you didn't say "hate" - you said "judge."  
And let's be honest, I judge you all the time yet I still love you  
and totally would bang you if you give me the opportunity. 

*Clarke: You're ridiculous. Besides I don't have a "type." 

Clarke started ignoring Raven's texts when the girl began sending her a list of all the girls that Clarke had hooked up with. It was strange and creepy that Raven remembered most of their names and that she sent them in chronological order but whatever. It's not like it mattered anyway. 

When class was finally over, Clarke couldn't wait a second longer to get out of there. She left with the intent to go to the Registrar's office to drop this class and enroll in another, but it was doubtful that she would find a course that she needs this late in the add/drop period. Either way, she needed to try because there was no way she would be able to last in that course until the end of this semester: the professor already hated her and Bellamy had made friends with a girl who bothered Clarke. 

It's not that Clarke didn't want Bellamy to make other friends, but of everyone in the class, he really had to go for the brooding, lonely girl? Clarke had seen her around campus before. Lexa worked somewhere like the library or the Writing Center - one of those buildings that she didn't frequent much. 

When Bellamy introduced Lexa to Clarke, Clarke was trying really hard to be nice but the girl barely smiled. Clarke didn't trust people who didn't immediately like her - although, she didn't really trust people who wanted to be her friend immediately either; those were usually the fakers. 

She shakes her head - she doesn't have any time to be thinking about that girl again. She had spent the first afternoon trying to ignore the fact that she had a huge crush on her from seeing her around and then being slightly disappointed Lexa didn't seem to care. She never admitted it because Lexa really wasn't someone she ever saw herself truly sparking up a conversation with. And also because now she was 100% sure Lexa couldn't stand her. 

At the registrar's, Clarke stood in line texting Octavia about the party they were throwing that weekend at the sorority house. Technically Octavia wasn't a sister, but she was Clarke's best's friend's younger sister, practically her own, and so she was always around. 

It's then that someone clears their throat behind her and she turns to face Lexa. 

"Hey, Clarke." 

"Oh, hey... Lexa... what are you doing here?" 

"Trying to switch out of a Biology class... you?" 

Clarke chuckles and raises an eyebrow, "trying to switch out of that history class with the professor from hell." 

She thinks Lexa might almost smile, but instead the other girl gives a noncommittal shrug and says, "these history professors always have a power trip - their egos are too big for their own good." 

The comment surprises Clarke, who thought that Lexa would have sided with the professor. She laughs and nods in agreement, "you know, you're right." 

It gets quiet between the two, so Clarke faces forward again. She can feel Lexa behind her, and she's dying to talk to her. She's curious about the girl, and she worries that if she succeeds in getting out of the class, she's never going have an opportunity to talk to her like this again. 

"So what are you majoring in?" 

"International Relations." 

"Ah." 

"You?" 

"Business." 

"I can see it." 

"I wish I was doing art... or something." 

"Then why aren't you?" 

"Family expectations and all that bullshit. Why International Relations?" 

Lexa motions for Clarke to move up as the line moves, "I like it. I would like to be a diplomat." 

Clarke is impressed. She never would have thought, considering that Lexa isn't someone extremely easy to talk to. She doesn't offer that opinion though, she simply nods, "that's a pretty ambitious dream." 

"What do you plan on doing with a major you don't love?" Lexa asks. 

It hits Clarke like a slap on the face, but she tries to play it off, "I hope to take over my dad's business since I'm an only child." 

"Is that a practiced response?" 

Again, Clarke tries not to let it bother her. Before she's even able to reply, she's called up so she leaves Lexa behind without an answer and without even saying anything else. She had been enjoying the exchange but now she's just annoyed at her for prying. Who the hell is she and who gave her the right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if the chapters so far feel short. I will try to make them longer in the future!


	3. The Dawning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang hangs out. New people are introduced. Lexa realizes she's in trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Sorry for the delay. Have been lacking time to write but here's the next installment. 
> 
> Enjoy! :)

_"Intimacy is not who you let touch you. Intimacy is who you text at 3am about your dreams and fears. Intimacy is giving someone your attention, when ten other people are asking for it. Intimacy is the person always in the back of your mind, no matter how distracted you are.” —Unknown_

It shouldn't be possible for a class to get worse each period but Lexa's sure that this professor is trying to make this class terrible. She even somewhat liked the topic, that's why she had registered in the first place: it sounded really good. She really should have paid more attention to the ratings on Rate My Professor.  


Sitting in class had become a game of staring at the clock on the wall behind Dr. Lachley and trying to figure out how long it took for each minute to pass. It was like hours went by each 60 seconds. She rolls her eyes and lands on Clarke. The girl looks just as bored as she feels and although Clarke is trying to be discreet about her texting, from her seat Lexa can see Clarke's phone. 

She begins to remember her conversation with Clarke on Thursday. Apparently she was unsuccessful in getting out of the class otherwise she wouldn't be in here today. It's Tuesday so it's been five days since they've last had class. She finds herself staring at Clarke's profile, who's sitting at a diagonal two rows in front of her and Lincoln. Lincoln had sat next to Lexa as soon as he walked in and when Bellamy saw that the spot was taken he led Clarke to those seats. 

Lexa contemplates just how beautiful Clarke truly is. Even with the expression of pure boredom across Clarke's face, Lexa can't help but realize that Clarke is very attractive. She shakes her head, nope. This can't happen. This won't happen... she checks to see if Lincoln noticed, but he is trying to keep up with notes. 

Slowly, her gaze turns back to Clarke. The girl is fixated on the phone in her hands, waiting for a response from someone apparently. When the phone lights up, Lexa can see Clarke hold back a giggle. She vaguely wants to know what made her laugh but she doesn't let it occupy her mind. She needs to take notes. 

About two minutes later, her attention finds its way back to the clock. The clock has maybe stopped. It seems like time froze. This time, when she looks at Clarke, Clarke is looking over her shoulder at her. Or so it seems. Clarke shifts her position so fast that Lexa is unsure if she imagined it or not. 

"Did you catch that?" Lincoln asks. 

Lexa is startled. Shit, he saw her checking out Clarke Griffin of all people. "What?" 

He narrows his eyes at her when she types 'HIST 4515 - Ancient Civs' on the writing document open on her laptop. "What he just said - seemed important. I was still trying to copy the last slide." 

"Oh." She shakes her head, "no." He looks at the practically empty screen on her laptop and shrugs. 

"Paying a lot of attention, aren't we?" 

"He's boring." 

"You're distracted," his gaze hints toward where Clarke is sitting but he doesn't say anything else. 

Lexa denies it, "definitely not." 

"Right." 

The professor asks a question, opening the floor for discussion but Lexa hasn't been keeping up with lecture so she doesn't offer a comment. Bellamy is the first to raise his hand to give his input. She sees Lincoln check out the moment words begin coming out of Bellamy's mouth. He turns back to her and she quickly tries to play off the fact that she was staring again. At Bellamy's friend, not him. 

Lincoln smiles, "right, not distracted." 

"I'm not," she grumbles and pretends to read the PowerPoint. 

"So O and I are going rock climbing later today... you in?" 

Lexa asks, "am I going to third wheel?" 

He laughs, the professor looks. They quiet down for a bit until he explains, "Octavia likes to invite other friends. Bellamy might be there... Clarke might be there." 

As if Lexa cares that Clarke may go. She would go rock climbing whether Clarke goes or not because she enjoys the activity (really though, she's only done it once). Also, she's pretty sure she screwed up her last conversation with the blonde. She knows that she's terrible at the small talk but she didn't intend to hurt Clarke's feelings. It seems like that's what she accomplished. 

"I mean... I don't know. I wouldn't want to intrude on you guys' thing..." 

Lincoln waves it off, "it's not a thing. A lot of people go, and I'm sure you'll have fun." 

Lexa considers the offer and admits to herself that she probably needs to get out more. She only really has one true friend at school and she's pretty sure Anya has plans that night. "Yeah, okay, I'll be there." 

"Cool, and after we all go to The Tavern to cool off and drink a beer or two." 

"Sounds fun, text me the address to the place later." 

He nods and pushes his phone toward her for her to save her number. 

Dr. Lachley begins his wrap up speech, warning the class that there will be a quiz first thing next class. She curses in her head, she really should have been paying attention. She makes a mental note to study tomorrow night. 

Later that day, she gets a text from Lincoln with the address to the rock climbing gym. It's close enough to the library that she can walk, which is good because she saves money on Uber. 

When she arrives, Lincoln is already there with a short brunette with long, dark, straight hair that she can only assume to be Octavia by the way she is latched to him in a hug. He sees Lexa walk in so he waves her over and slowly lets Octavia down, the girl laughing uncontrollably. 

Lexa has to admit that they are cute together. 

"Hey, Lexa! Glad you could make it," Lincoln says as she approaches the couple. They stand by a waiting area as they talk, "Bellamy and Clarke are late as always. And I think one of Clarke's sorority sisters will be coming too." 

"Hey," she tells Lincoln, then looks at Octavia and greets her with a, "hi." 

"This here is Octavia." Lincoln looks at Octavia with pride in his eyes and then back to Lexa, "O, this is Lexa." 

Octavia boldly reaches for a handshake and says, "your eyes are gorgeous nice to meet you," all in one breath. Lexa likes her immediately but tries not to show and responds with a mutter of a greet. 

Octavia goes on, "do you rock climb often? We try to come at least twice a week. Will you be joining us again?" 

Lincoln steps in, "okay, babe, one question at a time - we don't want to scare her off." He grabs Octavia by the arm and pulls her flush against his body. He places a hand over her mouth, as if embarrassed of what may leave it in the next few seconds, and then looks at Lexa with a pointed look that says sorry. 

Lexa ignores it because she isn't necessarily annoyed by Octavia as she is everyone else, so she shrugs it off. "Do we wait for the others?" 

"They'll be here soon,'" Lincoln replies. Octavia bites the flesh on his hand and he yelps. It makes Lexa smile and when she does, Lincoln is so surprised he points it out. 

Clarke walks in a minute later with Bellamy and another girl, a tall brunette with a snapback on. She tries not to show it, but girls in snapbacks are her weakness. She waits until they are closer before standing from her seat and waits even longer to be greeted and introduced. 

Lincoln stays put and doesn't hide his disdain at seeing Bellamy. Octavia stands and runs to hug her brother, and then Clarke, and then the girl who she calls by name. "Hi, Costia! So happy you came!" Octavia brings her toward Lexa and Lincoln. Lexa feels a bit awkward that he still hasn't moved but she lets Octavia grab her hand to make her shake Costia's, "Costia, this is Lexa. She has class with Clarke and Bellamy." 

Costia smiles at Lexa and says, "nice to meet you," in the sweetest voice ever. Lexa replies with the same sentiment and then looks over to Clarke who is standing off to the side, a look of annoyance on her face. 

Bellamy approaches and gives Lexa a head nod, before saying, "hey, nice to see you." 

"Are we ready?" Lincoln finally stands. "O will belay me, as always."

Bellamy says, "and Clarke's got me." 

Octavia shrugs, "I guess that leaves Lexa and Costia." 

Costia turns to Lexa with bright eyes and a shy smile, "yeah, sounds good to me." 

"I'm fine with that, too," Lexa adds. 

They take their time to put on their harness and fix the ropes. Once everything is set up, Lexa and Costia decide that they should start with the easiest route.

"On belay?" Costia asks from her position by the wall. 

"Belay on." 

"Climbing." 

"Climb on," Lexa says and watches as Costia maneuvers herself around the climbing wall with expertise. She's glad she didn't go first because she would have definitely embarrassed herself in front of Lincoln and his friends, including Costia with her dark soulful brown eyes and red lips. 

She realizes then that she is distracted but not by thoughts of this girl. Bellamy and Clarke are only a few feet away on another wall, Clarke halfway up. The way the harness fits tight around Clarke's thighs makes Lexa swallow hard. Hearing Costia yell "slack!" brings her attention back to earth. Focus. She knows she needs to be paying attention to Costia, as being someone's climbing partner is an important job. If she's not present Costia can get hurt. 

Lexa hears Clarke hitting the ground again and she wills herself not to get curious but she can feel someone staring so she turns in time to catch Clarke turning to face away. She shakes it off and goes back to taking care of Costia.

At the end of their rock climbing session, Costia offers to drive Lexa to The Tavern since she walked, and the car ride there is Lexa in the passenger's seat and Clarke and Bellamy in the back. Clarke doesn't say a word, the conversation in the car is mostly between Bellamy and Costia with a few remarks from Lexa. 

"Are you alright?" Lexa hears Bellamy ask Clarke when they arrive at the bar. She pulls him away from the group and Lexa tries to pretend like she's not curious, but Clarke looks up at her. They make eye contact until Clarke pointedly turns around to give her back to Lexa. 

So Lexa lets Costia grab her by the hand and lead her inside, and although Lexa isn't one to let herself get carried away, Costia is very easy to get along with. She's funny and has kind eyes and a soft hand she could get used to. They sit down at the table Lincoln has claimed for them, and he loudly flags down someone he knows to bring them beer. "Murphy! Beer!" 

A floppy haired boy with light eyes gives him a thumbs up and comes to their table not even a minute later with a pitch of beer and cups. 

"Thanks, dude," Lincoln says and high fives the other guy. Lexa watches as Murphy says hi to everyone else before he introduces himself. He makes a comment she thinks he means as a pickup line, but she chooses to ignore it. 

"She's not interested, bro," Bellamy offers as he approaches the table with Clarke in tow. "Trust, I've tried." 

Lexa smiles at the comment and makes a face at Murphy as if apologizing. He lets it go and brings two more cups for Clarke and Bellamy. "Hey, Clarkey," he says to the girl. 

Clarke responds with a "get lost, Murphy," but the entire table laughs so Lexa thinks this may not be new to them. "Actually, bring me fries and then get lost."  
"As you wish, Princess," he jokes as he walks past her toward the kitchen. 

Soon enough and Lexa is back on the Costia train. The other girl has managed to keep a conversation going, talking about classes, and every so often they re-join the conversation around the table between Octavia and Bellamy. Clarke seems to be sulking with her beer and the fries Muprhy has brought. 

Lincoln every so often says something to Clarke. They seem to be friendly, Lexa notices. From her first interaction with Lincoln, she had gathered that he may not like Clarke that much, but now that she's been around, she can tell that the dynamic is different than she had imagined. The only awkwardness stems from Lincoln and Bellamy's thing. 

At least Clarke is talking to Lincoln, and when she catches herself trying to listen to what Clarke is saying instead of Costia, she almost wants to punch herself. Here is this ridiculously good looking girl with her hand on Lexa's thigh, and she's trying to eavesdrop on Clarke. 

It's not like she's interested in Clarke, she is interested in what's up with Clarke. She feels different than what she usually knows of Clarke, but then again, this is none of her business. 

After the second pitch is placed on the table, Octavia decides that she and Lincoln need some "alone time," to which Bellamy literally gags. He stands and goes to the bar to chat with some girl he knows from another class. 

It's only Clarke, Costia and Lexa at the table. Now Lexa feels weird. She doesn't know why, she just knows she does. 

It's only quiet for a beat after Bellamy leaves the table and then Clarke stirs. She begins to grab her things, glances at the time on her phone, and says, "I should probably go." 

Costia is her ride though, so this phrase immediately alerts her, "I'm coming!" 

Clarke stops her and smiles through her teeth, "no, you stay." She looks at Lexa and then back to her friend, "you guys seem to have hit it off..." The comment makes Lexa blush and Costia glances toward her in a bashful way. It's cute. "So I'll take an Uber or maybe I'll walk." 

"It's not safe," Lexa says. 

"I'll be okay," Clarke tells her, eyes distant, or distrusting? Lexa isn't sure, she doesn't know her that well yet. Clarke leaves without saying goodbye to Bellamy or Octavia and Lincoln. Lexa doesn't want to watch her go, but she can't help but feel like it's her fault that Clarke does leave. 

Costia is telling her about some drama that happened at the sorority house recently and how Clarke handled everything so gracefully. Lexa is trying not to be so interested in hearing about Clarke's ability to bring order to people, or hearing about Clarke, period. But as Clarke was leaving Costia had made a comment about how sad she looked, and suddenly Clarke was the topic of conversation. 

Toward the end of the night, she is incredibly frustrated. She doesn't know why she can't get Clarke's eyes out of her mind, even as Costia's shone in excitement as they walk to her car. She and Clarke barely even acknowledged each other. Lexa was trying to seem as connected, but halfway to her apartment she realizes that she is not all that into Costia. Sure, the girl is beautiful and a nice, but after the initial meet-up, she didn't spark anything else in Lexa. She's a good conversationalist and she's funny, but it isn't enough.

Of course Lexa would end up crushing on a girl who got on her nerves more than anything. Of course she would end up crushing on Clarke Griffin: sorority president, class disruptor, Bellamy's best friend - Clarke Griffin. Of course. They have barely even talked in the time they have known each other. Her blinding smile is probably to blame, because Lexa has been trying to be stone cold about Clarke Griffin since they first met. It's ridiculous that despite this, her brain decides that yes, it is this girl with the blue eyes that she wants.

But if there's one thing Lexa is good at is ignoring her feelings. She'll get over this little crush soon enough. What is even special about Clarke anyway, except for that fact that she makes Lexa's stomach drop whenever she walks into a room? 

Or the fact that she can ruin Lexa's night simply by being around? 

Or the fact that her eyes hold the sky in them, and that her lips look like they taste like strawberries, or even the fact that she always smells like sunshine?

Or the fact that Clarke's has constantly been humming in the background of her mind ever since they met?

There is absolutely nothing special about Clarke and she will not bite.

Absolutely nothing.


	4. Call Me Princess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talks of books and partying.

Clarke leaves The Tavern with the intention to go to the sorority house. It's only halfway through her walk that she realizes she's making her way elsewhere. She hates herself the morning after every time but she can't help it sometimes. He feels so familiar and when she's down he's the one she goes to even if it's never for emotional support.

When he opens the door he isn't wearing a shirt. He's got boxers on and paint smeared on his chest, shorts, and hair. The fact that he's an artist has always been attractive to her, and the fact he's not wearing a top just makes this easier.

She takes a step forward to kiss him but the moment she does, he takes a step back. "Are you using me?" He asks, straight to the point.

Clarke looks up at him with angry eyes, "yes."

"Well in that case," he starts and pushes her away and out of his door, "thanks, but no thanks, Clarke."

"Are you being serious right now, Finn?" 

"Do I look like I'm kidding?" He responds immediately, anger beginning to boil too. He looks away and then, "we talked about this. I don't want this no strings attached bullshit."

"Yes, we talked about this," Clarke reiterates, "and we agreed to do this drama-less. We talked about this before we started fucking again after our breakup."

She turns to walk away but he grabs her by the wrist and pulls her back in, "damn it, Clarke."

The kiss is not romantic in the least, but she's not worried about romance. After she broke up with Finn, he became someone to take out her frustrations on and for some reason tonight she feels frustrated.

"You're pissy," he comments between kisses.

"Shut up," she tells him, pushing him onto his couch to be able to straddle him.

He pushes, "wanna talk about it?"

"I said shut it, Finn."

"Is it another fuck buddy?"

Clarke snaps, he's really working hard on turning her off, "ok. Fine! I'll go. Shit, Finn. Shut up for once."

He lets her get up off him and reaches for a t-shirt that had been hanging off the couch to put it on. She takes it for what it is - this isn't going any further.

They stay quiet, he looks at the paint-splatter on his hands and she looks at this most recent artwork. "That's nice," she comments. It's a self portrait in red hues. Each day she's impressed by his talent but as great a painter he is, he's a much better sculptor, "any new sculptures?"

"No..." He says quietly and then adds, "I think you should go. I don't think that either of us is ready for this," he waves a hand between them.

It had been three months since they broke up but soon after Clarke decided they should continue to sleep together. Mostly because he was always easy since she knew him for so long. And because he was easy and familiar, she felt comfortable. But now, suddenly, he's decided that he wants to go back and she isn't into that idea.

Their relationship was terrible. He wasn't exactly possessive but he was always jealous and Clarke always felt suffocated by his need to be constantly with her.

She's aware that she's weird. Most girls want the boy to obsess over them but it was getting on her last nerves. The last straw came when she found out that he had been sleeping with another girl and that's where his jealousy was coming from.

So she ended that relationship. The sex had always been amazing though, and that's something she missed for the first month and a half. Then on the third week of the second month he called and she came over on a stupid whim and they spent the night reminiscing their sex life.

"Ready for what? This is what we've been doing. This is what we were good at throughout the entire duration of our relationship."

"I still believe we should try-"

"There's nothing to try. You should have tried not sleeping with someone else. Isn't this exactly what you wanted? Sex without commitment?" Her voice starts to raise, "well, here I am! Fuck me, Finn, fuck someone else, I don't care. Just stop whatever it is you're doing."

At first he seems taken aback but with a deep sigh he starts, "Clarke, I don't want sex without commitment. That was a mistake. It won't happen again because -"

Clarke interrupts him, "please don't finish that thought, Finn." She does walk to the door at this point and reaches to open it, "you're right. I should go. You and I clearly want different things. This isn't going anywhere."

He smiles sadly and runs a hand through his hair to move bangs out of his eyes, "Clarke..."

"Please don't say it," she begs, eyes shut so hard as if that alone will keep her from hearing his next words.

"I still love you."

Nothing is said after that. Clarke can't bear to look at him and he can't look away from her. She takes her leave, walking out of his apartment and back onto the dark streets of DC. 

That night, Clarke barely sleeps. She spends the night tossing and turning trying to not be so annoyed by his stupidity. As she lays awake in bed, she thinks back to the beginning of her night and how she thought it was going to be a good one. Still unable to pinpoint just why she was so irritated by Lexa all night, Clarke ends up crying herself to a light sleep as she lets her emotions consume her finally.

Now that she's up she decides to grab coffee before digging into her next project: the Welcome Back to College Bash her sorority throws every year. This year needs to be even better than the year before seeing as this is her last. This means leaving Finn in his apartment and out of her head, plastering a smile, and facing the day head-on with two hours of sleep.

She notices Lexa when she's ordering her large latte. The girl is sitting in the corner of the coffee house reading a book. Clarke doesn't plan on saying hi but Lexa looks up just as she's about to turn.

Clarke feels terribly out of place as soon as their eyes connect. What is the matter? - Clarke tries to shake it off - she can be cool around pretty girls. Since the previous night, Clarke has been a little off. Regardless of how she feels about Finn her night was first ruined by this girl staring right at her. It's nothing more than annoyance, Clarke knows, but she really wishes that Lexa didn't have such an effect on her.

And now that Lexa is staring Clarke has to say hello. She waves at Lexa.

Lexa closes the book with her index finger in the middle to mark her spot and says, "hey, Clarke." Mona Lisa smile, Clarke can't tell whether Lexa is happy to see her or not.

"Hi, Lexa. How... Did you have fun last night?"

"Yes. I am grateful I was invited. Thank Lincoln for me."

Clarke nods, "I'll relay the message... So, no classes?" Clarke points at the book. 

Lexa lifts it to read the cover title as if she doesn't know what she's reading, "'Who Moved My Cheese?' for my Business course. Very good read."

"Sounds... Interesting," Clarke says hesitantly. "I -"

Lexa asks, "would you like to sit?"

It throws Clarke off. She's not expecting the question, she would never. Not from Lexa anyway, who's not usually super warm. "Yeah," Clarke responds and sits. 

"I have Wednesdays off," Lexa explains as Clarke is sitting. "I like to leave a day to breathe."

Clarke offers, "Wednesdays are my free days too. There's something about the middle of the week..." she trails off trying to sound convincing. 

"Hump day," Lexa... attempts at a joke?

Clarke smiles and takes a sip off her coffee and changes the subject, "so... You and Costia hit it off." It's a statement but it sounds like a probing question and she wants to kick herself for even bringing it up in the first place.

Lexa, if she's taken aback by the question she doesn't show it, "She's a very interesting girl."

"And that's a very clinical response," Clarke notes.

"It just didn't click," Lexa shrugs.

Clarke shakes her head and narrows her eyes in disbelief, "okay but last night you guys were all over each other," Clarke tries to understand.

"We're both gay, it's instinctual or something." 

"Um... I'm gay... well, bi. I'm bi. Does that mean that I have to start kissing you immediately?"

"No. I'm just saying that I'm reserved and sometimes cold but I'm not stupid."

"Well Costia is very hot."

It's silent as Lexa considers her next question. Clarke admits before Lexa has the chance to ask, "we've... Never. Don't worry."

"Oh," Lexa responds, "I'm not worried. Costia and I aren't a thing or anything."

"I'm not saying that you are..." Clarke defends herself; she can't read Lexa, and she hates that Lexa doesn't react. She also hates that she is getting so worked up over this Costia thing. She's not interested in her sorority sister but the thought of her and Lexa together bothers Clarke. The moment is getting out of hand so she pushes the chair against the hardwood floor of the coffee house and once again stands to leave. "I should go."

She's getting tired of hearing herself say that around Lexa. The problem is that after their very first meeting, any other interaction she's had with Lexa thus far has made her want to go running for the hills. There's something about this girl that makes Clarke nervous, makes her feel intimated.

Lexa doesn't try to keep her. Clarke can't tell what happened during their conversation much less how Lexa feels about it so she turns away and does not look back. 

They had potential, right? At the beginning of their interaction, Clarke actually thought that they may have a legit conversation with beginning, middle, and end. It was probably her fault that it didn't... She was the one who brought up Costia. 

She looks over her shoulder back into the coffee shop and sees Lexa focused back on her book. When Lexa suddenly looks up, they make eye contact and the way that Lexa doesn't waiver makes Clarke wonder if she should go back. In her head, she's sure that Lexa doesn't care whether or not she re-joins her but a small part within her won't shut up about her giving it another try. Even if it's to simply say they managed to start and end a conversation like normal people.

She can see Lexa sit up straighter when she notices that Clarke has changed her mind so she takes it as a welcoming sign.

"I'm staying," Clarke says simply and sits across from Lexa. 

Lexa nods in acknowledgement. After a few moments that Clarke has already been there, Lexa finally speaks, "yeah, okay."

When she has the verbal okay, Clarke begins to unpack her things to plan the Welcome Back to School Bash. She already has an idea on the theme and general activities; of course there will be the usual party games like beer pong (of which she is the reigning champion) but she needs to come up with something that will make this bash unforgettable.

She clears her throat to grab Lexa's attention. Not that she thinks Lexa is a pro at partying - in fact, she's never seen her at any of the parties she's been to in 4 years - but because two heads brainstorming is always better than one.

"I'm planning the Welcome Back Bash for the sorority and it's my last one," Clarke says, trying to gauge Lexa's opinion of the whole thing as she speaks. "I need something that's going to make it the best one yet. Do you have any ideas?"

Lexa is taken aback by the question and stammers to respond, "uh, um I am really not the best person to assist."

"What do you do for fun, Lexa?" The approach is abrupt she knows, but Lexa isn't exactly the poster child for being sensitive either. She places both hands on the table between her and Lexa and raises an eyebrow, waiting.

Lexa lifts the book in her hand, "I read?" 

"Come on, Lexa. You have got to be into something other than reading," Clarke tries to reason. Not that there's anything wrong with reading but no person is a one-thing individual.

"Honestly, Clarke. I am not really a fun person." Lexa chuckles softly, "as you have probably figured out by now."

Clarke is indignant, "I beg to differ. You were fun last night."

"You seemed to be rather annoyed," Lexa counters. "By the fact that I was around."

It makes Clarke laugh, the thought that it was Lexa who had made her feel the way she did, so she tells her, "that's not true. I don't mind that you were there at all." She has to weigh internally whether she wants to tell her or not but she decides to, "I actually thought you hated me so I was pretty surprised you showed, that's it."

Lexa turns back to her book, Clarke notices that Lexa's ashamed if the red tint across her cheeks mean anything, "I don't hate you."

"You just distrust me?" Clarke probes.

"Not necessarily," Lexa tells her. "I just don't know you."

At least Lexa is honest. "So get to know me," Clarke challenges her, daring to pull the book from Lexa's nose and make her make eye contact. "Stop hiding behind this book and have a conversation with me that doesn't involve the two of us throwing sarcastic comments at each other." She sighs, "tell me what you do for fun."

After she dares Lexa, Clarke freaks out internally - keeping a poker face - because she isn't entirely sure how Lexa will react. She didn't even know that was going to be her own reaction. She's half expecting the girl to put her book away and walk off, but instead she is surprised that Lexa sets the book down on the table.

Bright green eyes meet hers, "Well, my dad is in the military." She begins, "Navy, to be more specific. This means I grew up moving around a lot. I never made a good friend, so I became really good at reading."

Not exactly where Clarke thought she was going but it will suffice for now. The girl is talking to her.

"It allowed me to make new friends, even if they weren't real people. It kept me grounded as weird as it sounds. I was always moving, but I could always count on a book to be there -- it was a constant. I always knew how the stories to my favorite books ended." Lexa looks thoughtful as if reminiscing those days, "I knew that no matter where I went, that stayed the same."

Lexa pauses here, allows for Clarke to say something. Clarke doesn't because she is intrigued to learn more about this but Lexa simply concludes, "I only really learned how to love reading, Clarke. It's what I do for fun."

This is the most Lexa has said to her and it didn't end with her wanting to leave. "Okay," Clarke acknowledges and then takes a sip of her drink. "My favorite book is The Princess Diaries, the first one." Clarke smiles at her confession. "I was in 6th grade when I read it and I absolutely fell in love with the idea that I possibly was a princess and just didn't know. I spent the next three months making my parents call me Princess."

She knows she's talking a lot, offering too much of her to a practical stranger. With the exception that although they've just recently met and Clarke thought Lexa hated her up until two minutes ago, Clarke feels comfortable sharing this childhood story with her. "I made my best friend at the time promise that when I finally came to reign Genovia she would come with me and it would be the best thing ever." She chuckles and is glad to notice that Lexa looks more relaxed by the second.

"Did you ever read the Princess Diaries?" She asks letting curiosity get the best of her.

Lexa shakes her head no, "Never wanted to." 

"You should read it."

Lexa looks confused, "what?"

"Read The Princess Diaries, Lexa. It's an easy read but it's still good."

Clarke can see the fear in Lexa's eyes as the brunette tries to decide if this is a good idea. Clarke gives her time and returns to her party planning. She's crossing things off her to-do list and texting various people at the same time to ensure everyone knows of what they are in charge. Delegating is not a problem for Clarke, it is a skill she learned early on in life when in the playgrounds. She was always the leader; the other kids knew to wait for Clarke to give them their tasks.

After a few moments in silence, her companion finally says, "I'll read it."

Clarke looks up, trying but failing to contain just how surprised the words leave her as the excitement creeps up her face in a large smile, "really?" The words _'for me?'_ go unsaid but the tone she has taken basically says that.

Lexa shrugs, "couldn't hurt."

"You won't regret it!" Clarke promises in her excitement but then attempts to reign it in by adding, "hopefully." She hopes she's not wrong but with Lexa she is unsure of the next step.

Lexa looks at the watch on her wrist and Clarke is disappointed to tell that Lexa will be making an excuse to be leaving. She thought they were making progress but her suspicions are confirmed when Lexa starts putting her things together, "I'm sorry for leaving so soon Clarke but I have to get home."

Not trying to demonstrate her disappointment Clarke tries to play it off, "You know, I'm just glad you made it this long." She smirks up at Lexa. "I'll bring you the book tomorrow in class, yeah?" Her voice becomes uncharacteristically saccharine and it makes her flinch.

Lexa is looking at her watch again, "okay." She's about to leave when she stops herself and explains, "I have a Skype call with my father - can't miss it."

The information (and also the fact that Lexa decided to share that with her) warms Clarke's heart. "Oh," she says, "please don't let me keep you. And tell your father I said 'hi.'" Sure, she doesn't know him but for the first time this morning, Lexa shares a small smile.

"I will."

Before Lexa can walk off Clarke stops her once again, "hey," she says. Lexa stops by her chair so she decides to go for it, "would you be interested in coming to the party on Friday?" Clarke asks. Then adds, "I think you could have fun." She hopes that she didn't overdo with the book recommendation plus a party invite all in one sitting. 

"I don't know..." Lexa admits, reluctant. "I wouldn't even know what to do."

Clarke doesn't want to annoy her by insisting so she just tells her, "think about it. You know all of the important people. I'll keep you company."

Lexa doesn't seem all that convinced. Clarke knows that it's a long shot for Lexa to want to go and another long shot for her to actually show up, so she reiterates, "just think about it. You don't even have to RSVP, I don't know - is that an important thing for you?" She lamely jokes. "Okay," she really needs to shut up now so Lexa can leave. "Just... let me know later. Bye."

"See you later, Clarke," Lexa tells her as she's walking away.


	5. The Girl's Number

Lexa arrives to class early on Thursday and sits on her usual spot. The class is empty so she takes advantage of the silence to read the book Clarke had recommended, _The Princess Diaries._ She would never admit it to Clarke - at least not soon enough - but after reading the first few paragraphs, she knew she would not put the book down until she had read the last word.

"I see you're reading my book."

Clarke's voice startles her. She immediately closes the book as if to say, _I wasn't_ , in a small gesture of rebellion.

"Hello, Clarke."

"Hi, Lexa." Clarke's smile is ridiculous. And Lexa understands that using ridiculous to describe something like a smile is idiotic, but she has yet to find a better word for it. It's beautiful and bright, and it brings warmth to the room. It makes Lexa want to punch herself in the stomach just so she doesn't have to stare at it any longer; it holds too much power over her. "Liking it so far?" The girl takes a seat next to her, scooting the chair closer to read over Lexa's shoulder. "What part are you on?"

Their conversation is interrupted by Bellamy rushing in the room. He throws his books on the desk in front of Clarke and greets them with a, "I had a marvelous idea!"

Clarke seems excited, Lexa notices. It must be the way these two communicate always - with smiles and excitement and vibrant words like marvelous. "Tell me!"

Lexa is not paying attention to whatever Bellamy is saying because she is analyzing how annoyed she feels about the fact that Bellamy interrupted her alone time with Clarke. Not that she cares, she absolutely doesn't and so she tries to focus on the words coming out of Bellamy's mouth, but as usual, ends up paying attention more to the curve of Clarke's lips. Then breasts. Then lips again.

"Lexa, you here?" Clarke snaps her fingers in front of Lexa's face, snapping her out of the moment.

"Yeah," she lies.

Bellamy asks, "so do you like it?!"

Well, damn. She really should have been listening. "Uh, sure. Sounds awesome."

"Great! It's set then. This party is shaping up to be our best one yet, Griff." He pokes Clarke with his elbow as he's sitting down and opening his notebook to a page filled with notes.

Clarke returns her attention to Lexa, "you were so not listening."

Lexa feels the blood rush to her cheeks, she's busted. Clarke knows she was checking her out (in the most creepy way possible, too). Before she's able to comment, they are interrupted by Dr. Lachley's arrival. "Alright guys, we have a quiz." She relaxes at his words. Not because she likes quizzes, but because this particular one has given her an excuse to ignore Clarke's comment and face the front.

The quiz is easy, but she's thankful to Past Lexa for taking the time to study the night before after work. As soon as Dr. Lachley announces time is up, Clarke says, "I totally finished that within 5 minutes but didn't want to be the first one to turn it in. Is it bad that it was that easy?"

"Did you study?" Lexa probes.

"I mean, here and there. My method for studying is through osmosis - I take a nap with the book open next to my head and hope the information disseminates."

Lexa takes a moment and then, "you know, if you ever wanted to study together we could." Sure, she is trying to get over this crush she has on Clarke, but it couldn’t hurt, right? They're supposed to be working on their new friendship, and they both could benefit from this.

There's no hesitation when Clarke responds, "yeah, for sure! It would actually be awesome. And we both have Wednesdays off, so it could be like our study day or something."

The way Clarke casually says “our study day,” as if it is already something they share makes Lexa a tinge overwhelmed. Simply asking Clarke is already a big step for her; she needs to stop letting herself get carried away with Clarke Griffin’s charm.

Suddenly her arm is grabbed and when she looks, Clarke is taking a black sharpie to her arm. “What are you doing?” She asks a tone shy from indignant. Not that she minds the electricity she felt run through her body when Clarke grabbed her, but she’s not sure she would feel comfortable being Clarke’s canvas… she loves tattoos - it’s the artist she’s a bit concerned about.

“Relax, Lexa,” Clarke says with an eyebrow raise, “it’s just my number, so you can have it now that we’re like, study buddies. It will help us chat about things. This is what human beings do - they text.”

“I know about texting,” Lexa defends herself with a harsh whisper. She was really just curious why Clarke had to write in such large numbers all over her forearm when her phone is literally between the two of them on the table. “Did you know you can just -” she nods toward the electronic and shrugs.

Clarke laughs, turning to face the front, “text me your name later so I can save your number.”

“Should we invite Bellamy and Jasper?” Lexa hears herself ask. 

Clarke turns back around, “why?”

Lexa shrugs, “they’re our project partners… it would facilitate that.”

The blonde stutters, “oh, mm, ri-right, yeah, sure. Good idea, Lexa.”

For the remaining of lecture, they don’t talk anymore. At some point, Clarke leans over toward Bellamy and he leans to look at Lexa over Clarke’s shoulder. He notices that Lexa is paying attention so he gives her an awkward small smile. They’re definitely talking about her, but about what? And why does it make her so nervous?

Dr. Lachley dismisses class so Lexa starts getting ready to leave. Bellamy moves Clarke out of his way, “she told me about study group. I’ll bring my part of our first report on Wednesday so we can discuss it.” Clarke looks mildly annoyed, but Lexa isn’t sure if it’s because Bellamy pushed her out of his way or if it’s because they’re actually talking about school work.

“Bell,” Clarke says, “we gotta go. O is waiting.”

“Yeah, I’m coming,” he tells Clarke. Quickly, he turns back to Lexa, “see you around.”

Before she has a chance to respond, the two are gone and she’s standing by herself trying to understand her interactions with the pair. Lincoln approaches as she’s watching the two leave, Clarke talking furiously about something, “I warned you about those two,” he smiles and points so they can start walking too.

Lexa says, “I have yet to have an interaction with her that doesn’t leave me confused.”

“You got her number on your arm,” he points out, hand on the strap of the bag across his chest. “Classy.”

“I - she... we are studying together.”

“Ah,” he says with sudden interest in his tone, “ _studying_.”

“She doesn’t - there’s nothing going on.”

“I told you right? That O thinks Clarke has the hots for you,” Lincoln tells her. “She’s a girl who often gets what she wants, Lexa.”

The comment stops her, “what’s that supposed to mean?”

Lincoln spots Octavia chatting up with Bellamy and Clarke at the corner of the restaurant they are having lunch at and smiles. He faces Lexa and points at Clarke, “the girl is gorgeous, Lexa. You’re into her, she’s into you. Overwhelming, sure, but the best ones always are.”

Lexa thinks about what he’s telling her and then, “didn’t you say she was dangerous when we first met?”

“Dangerous in the way that she is going to make you fall hard for her, and after that -” he whistles - “kind of how I feel about Octavia.” They continue to walk toward the group.

Clarke looks up and sees Lincoln and Lexa approaching. Lexa can’t read her reaction, but she knows this is one of those things she can’t intrude. “I’m going to go now,” she quietly tells Lincoln.

He seems surprised, “oh, you don’t have to. Come hang out, do you have a class?” This is when Octavia spots them, running toward the two.

“Well, not exactly…” Lexa admits. She just doesn’t think Clarke wants her there today, otherwise she or Bellamy would have invited her as they left class.

“Then you have to stay. O would be upset if you didn’t.” He turns just in time to catch her hug, and greets her with a, “hey, baby.”

“Hi,” Octavia practically sings. “Hey, Lexa. Are you joining us for lunch?”

“I -” she begins to try to back out but is stopped by Octavia.

“Come on… we always have room for one more!” Octavia lets go of Lincoln’s hand to grab Lexa’s and pull her along to where Clarke and Bellamy are standing.  

Bellamy is smiling as she approaches, “hey again. We were just talking about you,” he admits. Clarke rolls her eyes and crosses her arm, “I should have invited you after class to come along.”

“It’s no worries, Bellamy,” she waves it off, but is also checking for Clarke’s reaction as she says it. Not that it matters.

Bellamy says, “Clarke felt bad, but you still haven’t texted her your name so.”

Octavia giggles behind her and she blushes, “I just hadn’t gotten around to it… yet.”

“Do it,” Octavia says, leading her friends into the restaurant where they seat themselves at a booth. “Right now.” Clarke is sitting across from Lexa, trying to avoid eye contact. Bellamy is sitting between Clarke and Octavia, and Lincoln is next to Lexa.  

“Lexa,” Clarke tries to say something but is interrupted by Bellamy again.

“I will have to skip our study thing Wednesday, by the way.” He’s grinning. This is suspicious. “Something came up.”

“We have to go see our mom,” Octavia offers.

“Yeah, and Jasper just told Clarke he has to do… something.”

The waitress comes by and distracts the table with drink orders. Lexa looks up and Clarke is already looking, what looks like embarrassed cheeks. “I’m sorry for them,” Clarke offers finally. It’s not loud and Lexa can tell that the others are not paying attention. Bellamy and Lincoln seem to be engaged in a really spirited discussion over something silly and Octavia is trying to placate them.

Lexa shakes her head, “you don’t have to be sorry.”

“So are we still having the study thing or -” she trails off.

Lexa nods, “yes, for sure. I just thought -”

“Right, it would facilitate things.”

“Yeah.”

Clarke clicks her tongue, “listen -”

“Guys!” Octavia addresses them, effectively breaking what moment they had begun to create. “Please help me settle this argument between these two _idiots_.”

Lexa spares another glance at Clarke, who has a hint of a smile on her face, and then asks Octavia, “what’s the argument?”

The rest of lunch, the five of them discuss whether the Jedi or the Sith are cooler. Bellamy and Clarke advocate for the Sith, whereas Lincoln and Octavia defend the Jedi. Lexa doesn't have an opinion seeing as she had never seen the movies, only knows of the terms from pop culture. Bellamy swears that he will get her to watch all of the movies. Clarke warns Lexa that she will never get rest until he does.

Lincoln and Octavia leave first, Octavia reminding Lexa to text Clarke her name. It earns a glare from Clarke, but Octavia winks back at Clarke before walking away. Bellamy stands up next, “I actually do have a class I need to get to soon enough.”

Next thing Lexa knows, she and Clarke are alone and the awkwardness settles again. “Do you work today?” Clarke asks, gathering her things slowly. Lexa matches her pace and nods. “You like it?”

“It’s okay - it’s a job.”

“I can walk with you, if that’s okay,” Clarke offers. She looks at Lexa with those sky blue eyes and waits until Lexa nods again. “Cool.”

Lexa leads the way, although they’re side by side. Clarke comments on the party the next evening and reminds Lexa that she needs to go to have fun. By the time the get to the library, the unspoken tension from earlier has dissipated. With each opportunity she gets to be with _this_ Clarke, the easier it is. But then there are shifts in their dynamic, random, - and almost imperceptible - that she is unsure what to do with and it confuses her all over again.

“See you tomorrow, Clarke.”

“See you, Lexa,” Clarke says. “And read the book!”

Oh yeah, there’s that damn book.


	6. Thirst

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our gals at a party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got this done at work. #productivity

Lexa only ends up texting her later that night. The text says, "sorry. I forgot to text you my name."

Clarke laughs because, "you still didn't text me your name. The instructions were clear, stranger."

It takes another ten minutes before Lexa responds. When she does, it makes Clarke smile so hard that her cheeks hurt, "I'm sorry, I'll try again." And then not even a minute later, "Lexa."

She holds the phone, trying not to be so eager to get back with Lexa, but the curiosity she has on the girl wins over. She wants to take advantage of the fact that Lexa did eventually text her. She wants to hold a conversation with her. "No last name?"

It's interesting. She should know Lexa's last name by now, but they never got to it. Clarke tried to sneak a peek earlier that day while they were taking their quizzes but she felt like a total creep and worried that maybe Lexa would think she was trying to cheat.

The phone vibrates and Clarke immediately checks the response. She's too eager. She shouldn't be this eager. Lexa doesn't like her like that, she needs to continue to remind herself. The text isn't anything too exciting. It literally is just Lexa's last name but it's fitting - so stoic and yet so majestic and full of beauty.

  
Clarke being who she is wants to text more. She wants to comment on how she had a great time with Lexa earlier, thank her for letting her walk her to her job... but she doesn't want to push the boundaries of Lexa's comfort zone, since the text simply reads: "Woods."

She gets it that this is probably where their conversation is over so she tries not to let herself be disappointed and reminds herself once again that Lexa is not interested in her like that. Why would she be anyway? Every single one of their interaction has been fragile. Clarke is insecure and Lexa can be hard to decipher.

But damn, if she isn't beautiful.

Clarke remembers talking to Lexa earlier on their walk to the library and being mesmerized at the soft pink on Lexa's cheek and the delicate shape of her lips. She wanted to kiss her then and there. In class, she thought Lexa may have been checking her out but she's unsure because it had been quick. A simple look, and not a lingering look. She wanted Lexa to stare more, to care more, to want more, and when Lexa had suggested they studied together she was excited because it meant that maybe Lexa did. How disappointed she was when Lexa had told her to invite Bellamy and Jasper.

She doesn't want to be here again, into someone who cares less. But alas, Lexa's "charm" is winning her over. She groans, the girl is practically opposed to fun and happy things! But when she smiles and when she laughs - the world feels so much better. This is the worst crush ever. At least when Finn was interested in her she could tell. With most people she can tell. It's like the one person she wants to like her, she's unable to tell!

  
The buzz of the phone vibrating on her bed snaps her out of it. She's hesitant but is excited to see Lexa's name on her screen again.

*Lexa: Thank you for walking me to work.

At least the girl is polite. She doesn't want to read into it but she can't help it. There was no need to continue talking, right? Lexa had an out - it was a clear conversation cutoff, but Lexa chose to text her again.

Clarke reads the recent text a couple times over before responding with something equally as safe but that carries a bit of meaning for her.

*Clarke: Thank you for reading my book.

It's important to Clarke that Lexa read the book at all. It's even more important because Lexa likes - no, - loves books.

The answer is almost immediate this time.

*Lexa: I am embarrassed to admit to you that I am on the last chapter.

It makes her laugh again. Lexa would not want to admit that she's finished the book in only two days.

*Lexa: I have a lot of free time at work.

*Clarke: working hard or hardly working, Lexa?

*Lexa: I work at a library. Reading is like advertising.

She's not wrong, Clarke muses as she laughs at the comment and thinks of a response. Before she can respond though, Lexa texts her once more.

*Lexa: falling asleep. Good night, Clarke.

*Clarke: haha, you're funny. Good night, sleep tight.

Clarke tosses her phone to the side, letting her eyes close and her body relax into her mattress. Shit, she thinks. She definitely has a crush on Lexa. She's sad that Lexa already said good night. There's no text back after that and she feels stupid for texting last. Girls, why are they so easy to distract you? Why is Clarke so interested in Lexa who was a literal asshole to her in at least fifty percent of their interactions?

Whatever, she thinks. She's not texting Lexa again until Lexa does first. She doesn't want to be the desperate kind of girl who continues to text their crush even when the crush has shown absolutely no interest. Okay, so maybe that's not true. She's not entirely sure but she's kind of suspicious. Maybe if she stops being so careful with Lexa's boundaries, she'll be able to get a more overt reaction out of her.

But she doesn't want to be pushy; she's just curious.

Not ever patient, Clarke texts the one person who she hopes can be helpful: Lincoln. It's almost midnight but she knows that he's awake because Octavia has sent her a snap of the two watching a movie a minute ago. Lincoln and Clarke aren't exactly the best of friends with the whole thing that Bellamy can't stand Lincoln. She doesn't mind Lincoln though. In fact, Bellamy is probably the only one who won't admit that Lincoln has been good for Octavia. But Clarke is loyal and Bellamy is her best friend.

She snaps Octavia a close up of her face with the caption: texting Lincoln.

*Clarke: you and Lexa are cool.

*Lincoln: Sure

She types a couple of things, erasing everything. Some things she really wants to ask make her sound too lame and Clarke isn't anything if not cool.

*Clarke: does she ever talk to you about me?

That is definitely not a question a "cool kid" asks. She groans to herself, she's already losing her cool!

*Lincoln: Yeah, we have talked bout u.

She waits for another text but nothing more comes.

*Clarke: what do you talk about???

*Lincoln: it's confidential, u should ask her

She groans and rolls her eyes.

*Clarke: I don't want to ask her, linc, or I wouldn't be texting you!

*Lincoln: fine but only bc O is saying I have to and then u have to talk to Lexa about it :P

*Clarke: ok! so that do you guys talk about?

*Lincoln: u confuse her, but she's into u

*Clarke: how do I confuse her??? she confuses ME.

*Lincoln: i said ud have to ask her bout that

*Clarke: Fine, but what did you tell her about me? All good things I hope?

*Lincoln: of course. :)

She knows he's not lying. If there's something that Lincoln is incapable of doing well is lying. Or doing, at all. So she thanks him and bids him and Octavia a good night to try and get some sleep. It's late and she has classes the next morning, but it's also Thursday night and she doesn't have anything too important to do on Saturday except for maybe be hungover from the bash the next night. Just knowing that she only has one day until the weekend keeps her too hyped up to go to sleep soon so Clarke does the next best thing and starts creeping on Lexa's social media.

But of course Lexa is the kind of girl that's mysterious even on social media. Her Instagram is private so Clarke curses at her and tries to move on to Facebook where she is more successful. The profile is still somewhat limited but the profile picture is clearly a picture of Lexa's green eyes behind a book. The book is open, and it's barely visible with the way that the sun is hitting the book but Clarke can tell that Lexa is reading Harry Potter. Even in the picture Clarke can tell that Lexa had really been trying to read and was annoyed at the interruption, but it is a gorgeous shot.

She continues to flip the pictures but Lexa only has two other profile pictures that Clarke is able to see. One is of a much younger looking Lexa and a man in a Navy uniform, so she guesses her father. The next picture is a silhouette of Lexa from even further back in time. Clarke has to give it to the girl - even her Facebook is quiet.

Determined, Clarke scrolls down Lexa's timeline, interested to see the kind of posts Lexa shares or is tagged in. Just as she suspected, Lexa's not very active on Facebook if her last post is anything to go by. It's a book recommendation, of course, and it is the most generic thing ever: "Good read: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People." This is where she gives up, but not before noticing that Costia and Lexa are Facebook friends in the Mutual Friends page.

She realizes she's judging but damn it if that girl isn't quick. She should just add Lexa on Facebook right now and then she would be able to truly go through her posts. But it's after midnight and she just spent 30 minutes on the girl's page so she feels silly. It's not that Lexa would ever find out how long she spent cyberstalking her, but she still feels ashamed.

Her natural instinct is to exit out of all apps, but within a minute she's back on Lexa's page, contemplating whether she should click the Add as Friend button. She hovers and hovers and hovers until - no, she really shouldn't. She settles her phone down on the nightstand next to her bed, turns her head to the other side facing the wall and forces her eyes shut. She's damn curious but she can't be that lame. She will give not give in.

It takes her another 45 minutes to finally fall asleep; it takes 45 minutes for her to stop wondering about Lexa. Although she doesn't at all, because she ends up dreaming about the eyes from behind the book.

She spends all of Friday thinking about those eyes. It's like a haunting and by the time that the party rolls around, Clarke just wants to get it out of her system. That's it - she's decided that tonight's the night. She'll kiss her and realize just how average Lexa is and get a move on with her life. Solid plan, Clarke, she almost pats herself on the back as she's walking downstairs to the living room where her friends are pre-gaming.

Fuck wondering about it, she's Clarke Griffin for goodness' sakes. She can get anyone, even if this someone is as... irritating as Lexa can be.

She smiles as Raven wordlessly checks her out with an approving grin and wink and hands her a shot.

"Damn, babe," Octavia says, grabbing herself a shot from Raven, "you look amazing."

"Trying to impress Lexa?" Bellamy comes in the kitchen with ice bags. He puts them in a cooler and grabs a shot from Raven too. Clarke doesn't even pretend, she shrugs and puts on her confident face. "You're finally going there?"

"Are we all here?" Lincoln asks.

Raven responds, "yeah, come on. Everybody drink!"

Clarke immediately follows the liquid courage with lime that's on the kitchen counter and finally answers Bellamy, "she won't know what hit her."

Octavia claps in excitement, "I love it when you get all," she gestures with her hand, "fierce."

"Pour me another, Raven," Clarke asks. She's supposed to be all confident about walking up to Lexa and kissing her, but in reality she's never been more nervous about kissing someone.

Raven's already working on pouring everyone a second round when Clarke asks. And then it happens just like in the movies: one minute there's only five people in the kitchen, and the very next minute, it's swarming with bodies.

Clarke downs the second shot and feels it buzzing through her veins. She sucks the lime and kisses Raven lightly on the lips, per tradition before parties. "This may be the last party we do this at. Your new girlfriend doesn't seem the type to like it," Raven comments as she glances over Clarke's shoulder.

Before she turns, Clarke knows that Lexa will be there. She's making eye contact with Lexa when she tells Raven, "She's not my girlfriend."

Raven whispers, "go get her."

She feels good now, with the alcohol, and she knows she looks hot. If the look on Lexa's face is any indication, she's not wrong. The brunette has yet to look away and suddenly Clarke feels like Lexa is very aware of what's going to happen.

When Clarke stops in front of Lexa, they're quiet for a few moments. Lexa's hair is in braids, pulled back off her face, and she's wearing very light makeup with the exception of really dark eyeliner which truly makes her eyes pop out even more. She's wearing the most simple outfit ever: dark jeans, a white t-shirt and a grey leather jacket over it with black boots, but Clarke could not be more into it if she tried. She digs the look on Lexa, she looks almost like a different person.

Lexa speaks first, "you're - " or she tries to, but is unable to form a sentence.

Clarke smiles, knowing she has the upper hand, "you look pretty great too."

The low cut black shirt that Clarke has on reveals quite the cleavage, and although Lexa tries to be subtle, her eyes dip and Clarke confirms that she had been checking her out the day before in class. "I - drinks?" Lexa asks, pointing to the same direction Clarke came from.

"Come," Clarke says simply before reaching for Lexa's hand and pulling her along. Lexa doesn't hesitate - it's probably the first time since they've met that Lexa doesn't seem taken aback by Clarke.

The music is loud and people are working on getting drunk. Clarke is not interested in getting drunk, she's interested in Lexa. They stop in the kitchen for two beers and continue on their way. Clarke leads them upstairs, ignoring every voice in her head telling her to maybe slow down.

When she reaches the door to her room Clarke stops and turns to face her again. "I just - I want -"

And then Lexa kisses her. It takes her by surprise, but next thing Clarke knows, Lexa's delicate lips are kissing hers and she's lost every ability to think. Her eyes close as she lets the feeling overwhelm her. Goosebumps run down her body when Lexa's beer-less hand reaches behind her neck to pull her in deeper. Clarke kisses back, moving her beer away from their bodies, adjusting so she can grab onto Lexa's arm. Clarke hums into the kiss, thinks Fuck, and melts when Lexa bumps their noses as she shifts the kiss.

They pull apart and when Clarke is finally able to look at Lexa in the eyes, she sees hesitation all over again.

"No," she's quick to say, hand on Lexa's pink cheek. "Don't." She smiles, in a way she hopes is reassuring. She wants to kiss Lexa again so her plan didn't work at all. But she doesn't mind, because kissing Lexa has probably been the best thing she's ever done in her life. She bites her bottom lip, "please don't freak out."

"I'm sorry - I don't know what overcame me." Lexa takes a sip of the beer to parch the thirst she's feeling.

"Don't apologize... clearly I didn't mind. I kissed you back."

Lexa shakes her head, "but you don't -"

Clarke cuts in with another kiss, but much more gentle, "come on." She laughs when Lexa raises her eyebrow in question, as if asking what else Clarke could have planned for them. "I want you to see my room."

"Doesn't help," Lexa mutters.

It makes Clarke laugh even harder, "PG-13, promise."


	7. You're up and You're Down and then Between

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe they're better at making out than talking...

"So," Clarke mutters as Lexa looks around the room. She turns to face Clarke and attempts at a smile but she's never been so nervous to be in another girl's room before, "This is the room." She raises one eyebrow slowly and takes a large sip of the beer. 

Lexa looks at Clarke and shakes her head, "I see." 

"But you're not looking," Clarke points out.

She hums in agreement and looks away for a moment, shy. The kiss had been impulsive, sure. She can admit to making her decision with things other than her head but now that she's made it this far into Clarke's room, she's worried. Not worried about Clarke doing anything to her, but worried that she may end up opening up more than she should. Of course she's hesitant of Clarke, the girl is literally the opposite of everything Lexa likes and she can get Lexa to do stupid things. Case in point: the kiss a minute ago.

"Why do you do that?" Clarke asks. "You're so confrontational with me but when I try to flirt with you, you get shy."

The question catches her of guard, although she's well aware it shouldn't. This is Clarke she's with and Clarke asks. "I don't know..." she admits. " _Why_ are you flirting with me?"

" _You kissed me_ ," Clarke reminds her. She doesn't need much reminding; she was there. And it was a great kiss. Lincoln had told her that Clarke was asking about her, that's probably the only reason why Lexa thought it was okay to kiss the girl. "So..."

Lexa drinks to give her time to avoid answering the actual question. "There's a party going on downstairs..." Momentarily she wonders about what Bellamy had been planning for the party, but she forgets at the sight of Clarke drinking. The bottle has condensation dripping down its neck and Lexa can't stop staring at the way Clarke's lips kiss the mouth of the bottle. She's jealous. She wants to be that bottle.

"Yet here we are."

She leans on the desk Clarke has across from the bed and says, "You're annoying."

Clarke laughs and approaches, no longer getting frustrated by Lexa's way. "I could say the same about you, Lexa."

The way Clarke says her name makes her head dizzy. She likes it but she doesn't comment on it. She watches as Clarke stands in front of her much like earlier and sets the beer on the desk. Clarke is looking up at her, biting her lip to keep her smile from growing. "You know you want to kiss me," Clarke teases, dragging one finger across Lexa's collarbone. 

That's the moment that Lexa realizes Lincoln had been right about Clarke - she's dangerous. There's tension in the way that Clarke is looking at her, as if she could possibly eat her but Lexa trembles on the inside to think that. These moments could possibly drive her mad. She places her beer on the desk next to Clarke's and waits. She can't help it when she licks her lips right when Clarke's stare dips to her mouth. "Why don't you ki-"

She doesn't get to finish her sentence. Clarke surges forward to kiss her and Lexa is glad for the desk behind her for keeping her steady. 

At the moment, she forgets all of her worries and wraps her arm around Clarke's waist, bringing her closer. At the same time, Clarke's arms wrap around her neck pressing herself onto every inch of Lexa. Clarke moans, loudly, into her mouth and the sound registers in every part of her body. She drags her hands slowly down Clarke's back and inserts both of them in the back pockets of Clarke's jeans. Her purpose is to make Clarke make _that_ noise again.

Clarke moves her lips away from Lexa's to trail them down her neck and Lexa sure as hell can't hold back the moan that escape her lips. Meanwhile, Clarke's hands venture down the neck, the shoulders, hesitate for a moment - until Lexa flips them and pushes Clarke to sit on the table. She takes a breath to recollect and get more oxygen to her brain. Clarke's eyes are closed, her lips are swollen, and Lexa is sure she's never seen anyone more gorgeous.

"Lex?" Clarke asks, "what are you doing? Kiss me."

She ignores the nickname, because if she pays attention then all of the confusion and insecurity will flood right back. Lexa picks Clarke up from the desk she had just placed her on, arms secured around Clarke's thighs. She's a handful but very willing to come along. She hadn't paid attention to much when she walked in to Clarke's room except for the bed and how it looked like it had been made by a professional. Lexa tosses Clarke on the bed. She can't lie - she enjoys watching Clarke bounce off the mattress and mess up the sheets, her golden hair like a halo. 

Clarke pulls Lexa on top of her by the collar of her jacket and takes advantage of the moment to roll over on top of Lexa. Those thighs find their places on each side of her. Clarke continues to kiss her with insistence. Lexa is sure she will die when her hands find their way to Clarke's chest. She's for sure a boobs girls, and earns a giggle from Clarke. She hadn't meant to but actually said it out loud.

"You can touch them as much as you want, Lexa," Clarke's husky voice reaches her ears. She gulps, breathes deeply, and -

The door swings open. 

"Shit! Oh! Sorry, dude. Just wanted to tell you we're about to start downstairs..." Bellamy averts his eyes but soon turns back. 

Lexa is flooded with embarrassment and tries to get out from underneath Clarke who simply pushes her back down on the bed. Clarke doesn't move her hand from Lexa's shoulder where it keeps her from getting up and hiding. She slowly turns to Bellamy with the most stern look Lexa's ever seen on someone's face, "get out."

"My bad!" He throws his hands up in the air, "sorry for the -"

"Get _ouuuut_ ," Clarke says again, throwing a book from her nightstand at him.

He leaves, laughing, and closes the door behind him.

"I'm sorry," Clarke apologizes. "He doesn't ever knock." Her eyes search for Lexa's, who's now blatantly ignoring her.

The moment has passed and they both know it. Clarke rolls off Lexa to lay on her back next to her. "It's no problem, Clarke," Lexa speaks finally. "Not your fault."

"Then I apologize for not letting you move. I know that was embarrassing for you." 

Lexa doesn't respond because Clarke's right. She was a little annoyed by the fact that Clarke didn't let her move, but she was also kind of turned on. Clarke has no shame and also doesn't let Lexa off the hook. She can't help it but like it, which she knows is stupid. She won't confess to it because then Clarke will think things she's not supposed to.

Clarke turns to face her and props her head on her hand and Lexa understands what she wants but is wary. Clarke's patient.

Lexa doesn't want to look but there's no way she can stop herself. Clarke's cheeks are a faint red and her pupils are still dilated. There's a cute freckle on top of the right side of Clarke's mouth and Lexa's really into it. She lingers on that spot, eventually moving back to Clarke's eyes. "See something you like?" Clarke asks knowingly.

She nods, "you're very beautiful, Clarke."

"You're too cute," Clarke comments before cautiously leaning back in to place a gentle peck on Lexa's cheek. It's so soft Lexa can barely feel it but just knowing Clarke's kissing her face makes her shiver. She stops and searches Lexa's eyes again. Lexa knows that Clarke is trying not to overstep, trying not to scare her away. She probably can see the difficulty Lexa is having in staying. She is contemplating if this is the moment that she should go. She doesn't like what she's feeling, she doesn't want Clarke to affect her this deeply.

"Will you tell me something?" Clarke ventures.

"Tell you what?" Lexa asks, shifting so she can lean on her elbows.

"Anything," Clarke says too fast. "I'm... very curious about you."

Lexa has never had someone be so blunt about their curiosity of her so she bites, "Well, what are you curious about?"

Clarke blows some air out and chuckles nervously. Lexa wonders what she could be thinking about but waits patiently for Clarke to tell her what she would like to know. "You're an only child? I remember you mentioned your father but didn't say anything about siblings."

"Only child," Lexa confirms. She would tell Clarke more but there's nothing else to tell. She wonders if she should inform Clarke that she has a cousin that attends this university and that she rooms with but decides not to for now. 

When Clarke realizes that was the only answer she's getting, she asks, "your mother?"

"Never met her," Lexa says. She watches Clarke consider her response and knows that she wants to ask more about it but Lexa isn't too willing to offer any more than that. She doesn't like talking about her mother. 

"Okay," Clarke mutters, biting on the inside of her cheek. "Do you see your dad often?"

"He comes down at least once a semester."

"Does he live far from here?" 

Lexa breathes in slowly, then, "He's in New York currently."

Clarke slows down to think, her fingers thread blonde hair as she figures out what she wants to ask. Lexa gets distracted by the fact that Clarke is playing with her own hair; she wants to play with Clarke's hair. Instead of reaching out to play with Clarke's hair, she drums her fingers on her stomach as a way to keep herself from being any more impulsive. Clarke gets distracted by it and seems to come up with a question from the gesture, "you like music?"

"Yes," Lexa says easily enough.

"Me too," Clarke offers something about herself for the first time in the conversation. "What kind of music do you listen to?"

Lexa's music taste is heavily influenced by her father who really loved rock when he was younger. She grew up to the sounds of bands like  _Queen_ and  _Guns N' Roses_ but she doesn't have to offer Clarke her history, "Rock." 

"Huh," Clarke exclaims. It seems like it's not the answer she expected of Lexa. "I pegged you for indie."

"Can't stand indie music, Clarke," Lexa says in all seriousness. Clarke is smiling at her with a goofy look, "what?" 

She shakes her head, doesn't want to say anything. Clarke's still shaking her head 'no,' but she does tell Lexa, "I like it when you say my name like that."

It's Lexa's turn to exclaim, "huh." Maybe she let this get too far. Maybe she needs to put a stop to it before it's too late. 

"Yeah," Clarke chuckles softly and almost... embarrassed. 

Instead, the way that Clarke's looking at her makes her admit, "I like your name." Clarke glares. "I'm serious," she defends but says no more.

Clarke laughs boisterously and that makes Lexa allow herself one small smile. Clarke agrees and says, "thanks, Lexa. Your turn," she instructs.

"It's my turn to ask a question?" Lexa lets herself slip back on the bed, tired of hoisting herself up by the elbows. They're been in that position for so long that her arms are all numb and her elbow is so tense it feels like it's stuck. Her companion does the same and scoots closer to Lexa. With her peripheral, she watches as Clarke does so and the idea of moving away makes her feel silly. 

Clarke nods to give her permission. She notices how Clarke's hand has been moving toward her arm, her fingers dancing on the sheets of her bed. She doesn't move but she watches as Clarke struggles to decide whether or not touch Lexa again.

They're like that for quite some time. Lexa doesn't ask a question, and while she is curious, she really should be leaving. Soon.

"Are you going to ask something?" Clarke asks after a while.

Lexa says, "I'm saving it for later."

"You can't do that!" Clarke exclaims, grabbing onto Lexa's wrist. "I want you to ask me something." 

"What am I supposed to ask?"

"Anything," Clarke says, starting to seep frustration to her tone of voice. "Just - I would like to know if you're interested."

"That's you asking another question," Lexa returns quickly.

"Can't help it," Clarke mutters, running her fingers up and down Lexa's arm. 

The crowd downstairs starts getting louder by the minute. She asks, "what's going on downstairs?" but truly Lexa just wants to figure out how Clarke managed to annoy her way into her brain and make it so that the simple gesture makes her heart beat so fast. Or keep her in this room for so long.

"You know," Clarke says, pushing it, "I think we should do this proper..." 

She knows where this is going. Clarke doesn't seem to be someone that beats around the bush with anything, but she can't expect that Clarke would be _that_ interested once they truly get to know each other. Sure, she's answered a few questions that Clarke deems important but Lexa is difficult and Clarke will find out that she's not worth the trouble. She's boring, she's closed off, she's - to be honest, she's unhappy and she has absolutely nothing to offer Clarke.

It's all fun and games, and they can have fun as they have quickly learned, but it shouldn't mean anything more than what it is. "Clarke..." Lexa starts, against everything in her body that wants Clarke to want her, and to touch her, and kiss her. She stands from the bed and pulls her shirt on right, "maybe we should go see what's going on downstairs..."

Immediately Clarke gets up too, and Lexa can read it in her face that she's about to be angry, "What? You're going to come here, kiss me, and then tell me I'm crazy?"

"I _wasn't_ going to say you're crazy," Lexa says, adamant. She doesn't want to piss Clarke off anymore than she already is. She also _does_ have a crush on Clarke, and Clarke is curious about her, but that may not be enough. She can't pretend to be disillusioned by this idea, especially since Clarke is known for being  _dangerous._

"Then you're implying that I'm desperate."

"Why does that have to be the other option?" Lexa asks, putting a hand on her head to see if it can keep her impending headache from coming on too strong.

Clarke scoffs, "then you just wanted to get off tonight."

Lexa doesn't deny it, because when she walked in through the door, she had spent all day about kissing Clarke to get it over with and see if she could... get over it. Apparently it didn't help at all but this is not where she thought their night would go. She just wanted to make out with a hot girl.

Clarke's biting her tongue from saying something, Lexa can tell from the way her lips are pressing and her brow is furrowed and her hands are clenching. "You -" Clarke says. "Whatever. Did you want to fuck or something?" It's the question that lets Lexa know she's possibly right, because the look in Clarke's skylight eyes change to something unrecognizable. 

"Clarke, please," Lexa tries to explain herself, "I wasn't trying -"

"Well, Lexa, you sure do know how to send a girl mixed signals," Clarke says walking toward her door. "You can go now. There's a party going on downstairs." The coldness in Clarke's voice is downright scary. 

"I didn't mean -"

"I'm fine, Lexa."

"Clarke -"

Clarke opens the door wide and looks away. Lexa shakes her head but does as asked.


	8. What Do You Mean?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Raven and Octavia in bed.

Tuesday she avoids Lexa like she's the plague. It's not like Lexa is making an effort to reach out to her, but she's also making it a point to roll her eyes whenever there's a possibility Lexa could be looking her way.

Yes, she's being obnoxious and childish but she's hurt and she doesn't deal well with rejection.

Friday after she kicked Lexa out of her room, she found herself at the party taking in shot after shot. She happened to make it down in time for the epic paint balloon fight Bellamy had started in the backyard. That was fun to watch drunk out of her mind. Anything after that is but a hazy memory. The next thing she remembers is throwing up some time in the middle of the night and passing out on the floor of her bathroom. She cringes at that image.

Raven had to wake her up the next morning and move her to the bed. She lay with her as they slept through most of Saturday until they decided it was time for breakfast at 3 PM. That screwed over their sleep cycles, and since they had nothing better to do, that Saturday night she, Raven and Octavia went clubbing. It was the first time in a long time, and surprisingly Lincoln didn't insist to keep Octavia. Apparently he had plans with Lexa.

"If she can't see what she's missing, then it's her problem, Clarke," Octavia had told her that night.

So it's been four days since she's seen Lexa and she's not proud to admit that while she's been pissed, she also couldn't stop thinking about their kiss on Friday. Had they not kissed, she thinks she would be better off right now, unworried about Lexa at all.

But it had felt too right, like they fit in every single aspect of the word. Never before had she felt so safe around someone else who looked as scared as she had felt. She had been terrified. From the second Lexa kissed her on impulse at her door until the moment she kicked Lexa out of her room, she could tell that Lexa was second-guessing everything. That's why she had been hesitant to push but pushed nevertheless. She had spent all of Thursday trying to figure out a way to get through to Lexa without pushing her boundaries, but it was necessary. And so on Friday when she saw that Lexa couldn't keep her hands off of her, she realized that there may be a chance it could go somewhere. It fueled her desire to get close to Lexa, give her a chance; push for  _more._

Oh, but did it sting when Lexa put up walls? Indeed. 

Clarke gets whatever or whoever she wants, whenever she wants. This has been a true statement until she met Lexa. It's clear that Lexa is attracted to her and wouldn't have answered her questions had she not felt somewhat comfortable with Clarke. Then why is it that she shut it down at all?

Somehow, she ends up staring at the side of Lexa's face in class. She's daydreaming about that encounter Friday night and how easy it had been despite how easy it wasn't. She blows out some air, rolls her eyes, and turns back to pay attention to lecture.

Bellamy is sitting next to her and diligently taking notes. Lincoln and Lexa are sitting on the row in front of them, both pensive but not focused on the lecture at all. 

She spent the past days smothering the wish to check up on Lexa's social media, but knowing the little she knows of her, she probably hasn't updated since last time Clarke stalked. There's nothing more pathetic than creeping on a crush's Facebook  _after_  being rejected. That's a whole 'nother level she's not ready to commit to yet. She's still Clarke Griffin, for fuck's sake. She'll get over this little crush in no time.

Halfway through class, Clarke gets a text from Lincoln.

*Lincoln: I hope ur cool that i invited Lexa 2 come out with us 2nite again.

Damn it. It's not like she can really tell him not to but she would like to think that he just... wouldn't.

Sometimes she wants to punch the boy.

He looks over his shoulder and she gives him a thumbs up before replying.

*Clarke: fine by me. I have to stay in tonight anyway - lots of tests to study for.

Lincoln shakes his head when he sees the message and for a second Clarke hopes he would show it to Lexa just to see what her reaction would have been.  But it's Lincoln so of course he doesn't. He's texting for some time before she gets his response.

*Lincoln: dont b like that, Clarke. Give her time

What's that even supposed to mean? And why is Lincoln of all people telling her how to behave? She scoffs and begins taking notes again. 

As soon as class is over, Clarke goes back to the sorority house without making the time to even hang out with Bellamy. He waves it off knowingly and ends up being called over by Lincoln and Lexa, Clarke notes as she's leaving. That's weird and she'll definitely ask about it later but she has more pressing needs to tend to... like nap. Or something.

Raven knocks on her door a few minutes after she gets home. "Dude -" she says as she drops next to Clarke. "I'm still  _so_  exhausted from the weekend."

"Me too," Clarke admits. 

"You coming tonight?" Clarke glares at Raven and doesn't respond. Raven sits up, "what do you mean? You  _have_  to go. Octavia would literally kill you if you didn't show up because of Lexa."

"It's just rock climbing, Raven. O will get over it."

"Oh my god," Raven stands up from the bed. She points at Clarke, "you're like...  _really_ into this girl!"

Clarke rolls her eyes, "no shit! I have been sulking like a loser since Friday night." Raven's mouth is wide open in shock and it makes Clarke angry. "Oh, come on!"

"I'm sorry," she says and raises both hands to demonstrate she comes in peace. "I just... have never seen you like this." She stops and considers her next words carefully, "not even with Finn." Raven is still looking at her with curiosity and she gives it a moment before continuing. "I thought it was like a minor crush -"

"It is," Clarke tries to fight it but her voice breaks and she's so sad she wants to go back in time to stop her from ever kissing Lexa back. Or again after the first time. "I mean, I just hate this feeling." 

Raven sits back down on the bed and beckons Clarke over with a tap on her thigh. Clarke lays her head down and looks up at Raven with shiny blue eyes. "This is not the same thing that happened with Finn." She starts to run her fingers through Clarke's hair and in this moment Clarke is thankful for Raven Reyes. Her body molds to the bed beneath her and she lets her eyes drift close to listen to her friend's wise words. "He cheated on you. He was an asshole about it." She takes pauses to make sure Clarke is paying attention and really grasping the message. "Lexa... is a stranger. She didn't reject you because you're not good enough. She doesn't even know you well enough to think that way." One more break before she finishes, "maybe give yourself a break, and give her time to figure things out. She's clearly into you too."

And as always Raven can tell what truly is bothering Clarke. She never feels like enough. That's why she's a serial dater and why she pushes people away. She wasn't this way before Finn. He truly was her first love and she had never done serious before him. He had promised so much to her and she had believed every word, and then suddenly one day her world shattered. Going back for sex with him was easy  _because_  she felt nothing, but now that he has been talking about getting back with her, it's been messing with her head. 

She says softly, "I wasn't good enough for him..."

"That's not true, babe.  _He_  isn't good enough for you."

Clarke opens her eyes and is met with truthful brown, "do you think she hates me? I was so rude."

"I don't know her, Clarke," Raven tells her. "But I doubt that."

"I really like her, Raven," She says. "I don't even know why. She's so fucking annoying -"

Raven starts laughing and the movement of her belly makes Clarke's head bounce too. She smiles, she really loves the sound of her best friend laughing. "What?" She asks, a smirk forming on Raven's lips.

"Girl must be  _good_  then."

Clarke feels her face flushing, the tips of her ears burning as she thinks once again of that encounter in this very same bed. "Oh my g-"

Octavia walks in the room and sets her helmet on the vanity. She lays her head on Clarke's stomach and lets her feet drop off the bed. "What are we talking about?"

"Clarke has the hots for Lexa."

"That's not news, Raven," Octavia laughs. "Homegirl here spent all of Friday night and Saturday night moping about it."

"Hey!"

"O, Clarke doesn't want to go rock climbing tonight because of Lexa. Your boyfriend invited her and now Clarke is being all... chicken-shit-y about it."

This time, Octavia's the one that stands up. "You  _really_  like Lexa!"

"Oh my gooo-" Clarke sighs. "Yes."

"I thought this was like... one of those crushes of yours..."

Clarke rubs her hand on her forehead, "I am 100% sure I just had this conversation. Can we please -"

"Like, Lexa's super awesome, don't get me wrong," Octavia keeps talking as if nothing else had been said, "but what do you see in her?"

Raven offers, "Clarke doesn't know... but damn, girl is hot."

"Smoking," Octavia nods in agreement. "She  _must_  be talented."

At this point, Clarke wants to murder both of her friends and wonders when she'll hear the end of it. Please, god, just let a freak accident happen right now and take her away from this misery. "There's something about her..." she tries to explain. "I can't tell you what it is, but I'm drawn to her. I always have been, even before I met her." It's this pull that made Clarke throw away her reserves. She was terrified that night too. 

Clarke watches as Raven and Octavia share a look. "You mean, like... love at first sight?" Raven is the one to ask. She is still caressing Clarke's hair and that's the only reason why Clarke hasn't done anything irrational to her yet. 

"No,  _no._ I definitely don't believe in anything like that," Clarke is quick to placate them. But goes on trying to help them understand something she doesn't even understand herself. "With some people you just feel that connection. Like she's been calling me out on my B.S. from the moment we met... she's the only person who's ever done that."

"Two things," Octavia starts. "One, you're a sap. And two, you're whipped." She winks and gets back on the bed. "Do you like it when she tells you what to do? I'm asking for a friend." Clarke pushes Octavia's hand away when she tries to cop a feel of her ass. 

"She doesn't tell me what to do, she just doesn't let me get away with my shit. You guys know what I mean."

Raven laughs and tells Octavia, "I give it less than 24 hours before this little gay of ours is kissing Lexa again."

" _That's_ not happening," Clarke denies. "For that to happen,  _she_ would actually want to kiss me too."

Octavia pulls out her phone and reads, " _won't stop talking about how that was the stupidest thing she's ever done._ "

"What's that?" Clarke asks, getting on her knees on the bed to gain leverage to attempt to take the phone from Octavia. She assumes that it's from Lincoln about Lexa but she needs to hear it confirmed by Octavia herself. "O?"

"I'm not supposed to have told you that but you're my best friend."

"You have to come tonight, Clarke," Raven insists. She stands from the bed to grab her laptop from her bag and then sits on the bed with her back on the headboard. "You guys have to talk about what happened."

"And you have to apologize," Octavia concludes. "You were totally crazy there, love," she grimaces and then adds a small, "sorry."

Clarke grimaces too because Octavia is not wrong, "shit. You're right."

 "When am I ever wrong?" Octavia asks in all seriousness. When Raven laughs at her, Octavia smacks her hard on the knee. 

"Ouch," Raven cries out and smacks her back. "You know that's the bad knee I hurt while playing soccer."

"I'm sorry!" Octavia exclaims, "I forget."

 "Guys -" Clarke reclaims their attention. She stands and turns, "what do I even say?"

So that's how Clarke finds herself at the rock climbing center with her best friends, anxiously waiting for Lexa to arrive. The three of them stand in a corner, Octavia and Raven giving her tips of what to do as soon as Lexa walks in. Bellamy arrives with Lincoln in tow which earns a curious look from both Octavia and Raven. "What in the actual fuck?" She mutters and then looks to Clarke as if she knows the answer. As a response, Clarke lifts her palms up, and shakes her head.

Lincoln wraps his arms around Octavia and kisses her on the neck, "hey, baby. I missed you."

"Is everything okay?" Octavia asks, suspiciously glancing at Bellamy.

"We've realized we have things in common," Bellamy explains as he's hugging Clarke and Raven hi. "We're moving past our shit."

"Great," Clarke says, still a little freaked out by the occurrence and then asks, "do either of you know where Lexa is?"

"At work," Bellamy tells her. "She'll be here soon. Not to worry, princess."

"So she's coming?" she asks, desperately trying not to sound desperate but failing miserably at it. Lincoln nods in agreement and then steals Octavia away so they can hang out without their friends for a while. "I'm so scared of making a fool of myself," Clarke admits to Raven and Bellamy. 

Bellamy tells her, "just don't scare her off again, maybe." 

Raven points to the door with her jaw and grabs Bellamy by the arm to walk away. They leave Clarke alone and as soon as Lexa enters the room, which dreads Clarke but at the same time she can't help but be thankful that they're walking away. 

Lexa sees her first thing and stops dead in her tracks. She starts walking toward Clarke with apprehension, and Clarke attempts an encouraging smile to let her know that everything's okay. "Hey," Clarke tries.

"Hi," Lexa says back.

She looks around for the others so Clarke tells her, "they're giving us space... to talk."

"I'm not sure..." Lexa tries but Clarke's quick to reassure her.

"I promise I won't ask you out..." she stops, looks away and then back at Lexa's lips, wistful, "or kiss you. I just - would like to apologize."

Lexa's stare is unsure - a constant between the two of them recently - but she nods almost imperceptibly. "Sure, but you don't have to apologize, Clarke."

"Your posture tells me otherwise," she tells Lexa. The brunette has been closed off, arms crossed, from the moment she stopped in front of her. "I'm sorry for kicking you out on Friday. I was hurt and so I was mean and crude. You didn't deserve it just because you don't want to be with me." Lexa pries her arms apart and instead sticks her hands in the pockets of her sweater.

Lexa's quiet for some time, and Clarke has spoken to her enough times to know that this means she doesn't have anything to say.

"Look," she continues talking when she realizes Lexa's not going to say much, "I get it, you know, you're not ready and I pushed too fast. Trust me - I'm just as scared as you look. I should have... paid attention and respected you."

"I understand." Lexa says. "Thank you for apologizing." 

"Are we... okay?" Clarke wonders, hoping that maybe Lexa has forgiven her and they can move on. She would like their friendship to remain the same and not be ruined by their tryst and its aftermath.

She nods and reassures Clarke, "we're fine. I would like for us to be partners. You okay with that?"

"Uh," Clarke is taken aback by the question. She definitely never thought that Lexa would want to be her rock climbing partner, especially after what happened. "Yeah!" She says, too quickly, excitement taking over at the realization that Lexa still wants to hang out with her.

Lexa motions for Clarke to lead the way and then catches up to walk side by side toward the front desk. "I should apologize as well," she says softly.

Clarke almost doesn't hear it but it registers a second later and she questions her, "what for?" 

Their conversation is briefly interrupted while they pay. The young girl at the front desk is sweet and she remembers Lexa from last time they were there. It doesn't surprise Clarke that this girl's eyes lighten up while Lexa is chatting with her; Lexa is attractive and the fact that she doesn't realize it makes her even more. Once they're settled and find their way to the wall that their friends are at, the conversation picks up again.

Lexa says, "for confusing you. I never meant to lead you on."

That sounds too final for Clarke, because it implies that Lexa doesn't like her back at all and that it wasn't a crush or anything like that, it was Lexa literally just... wanting to get some. She can't think this way because it will hurt too much so she ignores the pull at her stomach, shakes her head do dismiss it, and assures Lexa, "you didn't."

"Oh, I thought..."

"I get it, Lexa. You don't like me."

"No, you got it all wrong," Lexa tells her. 

Clarke stops her movements with the rope and carabiner attached to her harness. "What do you mean?"

Lexa slightly pushes Clarke toward the wall and says, "go on, Clarke. Climb on."


	9. Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meet Nathan Woods.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that Lexa is a mess - she reminds me of myself.

Anya yells out for Lexa to wake her up.

She had stayed up too late the night before because they had gone for drinks after rock climbing and she had one too many. It had been Clarke's influence, of course. She kept feeding her drink after drink after drink and Lexa, inebriated by the alcohol and Clarke's smile, enthusiastically accepted. They worked out their tension while rock climbing and although Lexa attempted to keep things cool and casual at first, they were very touchy by the end of the night.

She's been angry with herself ever since that Friday when Clarke kicked her out, and with reason. When Clarke had been so open and honest about what she wanted, Lexa had been anxious and closed off. And now she's regretting it. 

But it's one thing for Clarke to want more with Lexa because she  _thinks_ she's into Lexa, and another for her to actually _be_ into Lexa. Lexa has known that sometimes people truly believe they feel a certain way when they don't. Clarke's only into her right now because she thinks Lexa's playing hard to get or something. On the inside, Lexa's heart and mind are waging war at each other. 

The night before, they decided to walk to The Tavern since the weather was still nice out. They talked - mostly Clarke - about everything (except their feelings) on the walk to the bar, and Lexa found herself wanting to get to know Clarke more with each step she took. The war within her has not let up.  

She rolls off bed and pulls up her unruly hair to a ponytail. She puts on her glasses next and throws on a t-shirt before sitting in front of her laptop to Skype with her father.

As always, the moment she logs on, he calls her. She picks up with a yawn and he smiles at her, "Hi, kid."

"Hi, dad," she says. 

"How are you, baby?"

"Doing good. How are you?" 

He smiles and tilts his head that way he always does, and says, "I'm wonderful. Better now that I get to see you."

"Dad," she blushes. "We talk every week."

"You look beautiful, honey."

"I  _just_ woke up." She smiles at him because she can't help it being happy talking to him. In fact, it's the only time that she's truly happy because he really is her best friend. "You look great as well. You been working out like the doctor recommended?"

He looks away for a beat and then asks her instead, "how's... Clarke, is it?"

Ignoring the question is a sure way to admit to Lexa that he hasn't been working out, which worries her. Last time he was at the doctor's, they told him he needs to get back into the habit.

However, she's not surprised he remembers Clarke. On Friday she had called him on the home from the party to tell him what had happened. "She's fine, dad. Don't change subjects."

"Have you talked to her, Lexa? She really was rather rude and -"

"We're fine," she tells him once and for all. "She apologized last night when we went out for drinks with our friends, I guess."

At this he gets visibly excited, "I'm so happy that you've finally made friends! They sound fun!"

"Lincoln and Bellamy are very nice. They have recently started talking to each other because I kind of... forced them."

"Ah," her dad says, "You sure are persuasive. Aren't those two the dudes who couldn't stand each other because one of them is dating the other's sister?"

Lexa smiles, somewhat proud, "I've simply made it clear to them the benefits of being friends. They are working on it. They're mostly putting on a show for Octavia still at this point, but eventually they will grow on each other." 

"You're clever..." he clears his throat - a sure tell that he's going to go _there._  "Just like she is..."

He does this every time. He's never as smooth as he probably thinks he is. He's constantly bringing her up, trying to include her in their conversations. He wants to remind Lexa of her, the one person in the entire world she wouldn't mind forgetting. Each time they talk, he attempts to talk about his sister in a way to see if Lexa will reconsider things. 

" _Sir_ ," Lexa says, seriousness creeping onto her face and voice - she only uses 'sir' when she wants to command his respect. She doesn't like it when he brings her up. She hates her. In all fairness, this sucks for him too, but she can't bear to deal with that. It's too much for her. "I am sorry. I truly am, but I won't be going to visit."

He looks down, his bald spot on her screen. He shrugs and says, "I get it. I am sorry that things have to be this way. She misses you."

"I don't -" Lexa's heart feels like is being squeezed by a giant. She hates it when she makes her father feel like shit, but she can't stand the thought of seeing her mother. "Your sister is _your_ sister. She's _not_ my mother." This is becoming a repetition game. The words flow too easily out of her mouth. " _She_ left me. _You're_ my father. I don't care if I'm adopted, dad!"

"And you're my daughter, baby," he says, the tremor in his voice noticeable. "I'm not saying you're not."

"Then stop pushing!"

He shakes his head, "this is no  _way_ to live, Lexa!" He's desperate. He usually doesn't get angry, but she's dying, faster each day, and he just wants what's best for the both of them. That's what he tells her anyway, but Lexa fails to see how this is for her best.

She's getting angry too. She sighs to relieve some of the tension building up in her chest and looks at her phone. She has to go meet Clarke soon so she's not lying when she says, "I gotta go."

They're both quiet for a moment and so he tries to fill in the dead air, "meeting someone, eh?"

"Yeah," she mumbles, "um, Clarke." 

"Ah," he sighs. "Hey, kiddo." She looks up and they make eye contact. It feels like it's been ages since she's seen her father in person when in reality she saw him only a month ago. He looks much older. "I love you, you know that?"

"Of course, daddy," she confirms. "I love you too."

It makes him smile and so she smiles back and his smile grows until he laughs, "Clarke, huh?"

"We're studying. That's it."

"When I was your age and in college, _studying_ could mean more than simply looking at textbooks and notes."

She cringes, "ew! I don't need to know what extracurricular activities you took in college." She laughs and then bites her lip, "I really like her," she admits. She's never had a problem talking to her dad about her crushes or girlfriends. He's always been supportive, always given her the most trusting and solid advice. "But I don't know what to do."

"What's the problem?"

Lexa's phone vibrate and it's her - it's Clarke texting to ask if they're still meeting. She picks up her phone and throws her dad a glance before texting her back a quick, 'yes.' He raises an eyebrow at the scene but doesn't comment on it.

"She's just way out of my league. We're nothing alike - she's popular and fun and people like to be around her. I'm me - and I'm -"

"Beautiful," her dad fills in. "You're gorgeous, honey. You're something special. And I don't mean only your looks - inside and out."

"You're so fucking biased," Lexa scoffs in disregard of what he's telling her, rolling her eyes.

"No," he stops her and says, "ok, yes I'm saying it because you're my daughter, but also because I have had a first-row seat to your amazing-ness."

"Okay, well, she's under the impression I don't like her."

"Why?"

She smacks her forehead with an open palm and confesses, "my fault. I never told her I do."

"Wait," her father puts up a hand to keep her from saying anymore. "You mean to tell me that your crush, this girl who I hear is a _10 out of 10_ , told you she likes you but you didn't say it back? This happened last night?"

"She didn't really say 'I like you,' in those words."

He squints, "what _did_ she say?" 

"Well, she  _did_ say she wouldn't kiss me, so there's that."

He groans and shakes his head, "oh my god. I raised a fool."  He points at her and she tries to make a menacing face at him but it doesn't work. He's not scared of her, never has been nor will ever be. "You should know better, you're a Woods."

Lexa stands up, getting her face all up on the screen. "Shut it, old man. I'm going now. I gotta shower to go meet up with her."

"I want to see if this girl is really a ten, Lex. Send me a picture of you guys later," he demands then stands, his stomach the only thing she can see of him. He's wearing a Navy shirt tucked into khaki pants with a brown belt. Then he bends over and she can see him again. "Tell her it's for your old man, chicks dig that shit up."

"Oh my goodness,  _father_." She tries to embarrass him but she knows it won't matter. That's why she treasures their relationship so much. As far as relationships go, hers usually suck, but her father is the best thing that's ever happened to her. "I will, though."

"Yeah, you've been saying that."

"I'm sorry! I hadn't planned on getting kicked out of her room on Friday."

"Again, what a disappointment. Your game is _weak_ , kid."

"Bye!" She waves him off and waits until he waves again to hang up. She feels lighter after talking to him, despite the fact that he brings up her mother every time. There are many ways to avoid a topic, and she's employed many of those ways in these conversations. Still, he feels like home to her, and his love for her is the only thing that's got her this far in life.

She hurries to shower and get ready because she's only got 30 minutes until the time she and Clarke are supposed to meet. She wonders how Clarke is after the night before. Both very aware that they had no classes the next day, they were out and drinking until 3 AM. Clarke can really hold her tequila and for the first time in years, Lexa had a couple of shots to go with her beers.  

Within 20 minutes she's leaving her apartment. She stops by Anya's room to give her a quick kiss on the cheek while she's getting some homework done and earns a slap back. "What'd Nate say about Clarke?" Anya asks, knowingly.

With the exception of Nathan Woods, her only lasting relationship is Anya and that's because they're cousins who got stuck at the same university. Anya is the daughter of her father's other sister, the successful lawyer of the family.They hadn't seen each other in years before they got accepted to the same university. Their parents had made them talk to one another and discuss the possibility of living together so they did and decided that maybe their parents had been right.

"Basically that I'm a failure."

"He ain't wrong."

On the walk to the coffee shop, Lexa considers going to see her father's sister. Then she reconsiders it. There's no excuse for what she did to her and she doesn't care to know what else she has to say. 

The thinking is turning her mood sour so she focus instead on something else: that something else being the ray of sunshine walking her way. "Lexa! Hey!" 

Boy, does Clarke look good. Well, she always does, but today her hair is wavy and messy in all the right ways. She's wearing a baby blue sweater over a white long sleeve shirt and the tightest black jeans Lexa has ever seen, but she's not complaining because it really accentuates Clarke's... assets. 

Despite being cold, it's sunny. Clarke lifts the sunglasses off her eyes and squints at Lexa, "I'm glad you could make it." The day is just chilly enough that Lexa can see the puffs of warm air coming out of Clarke's mouth as she speaks.

"It's not like we had plans or anything," Lexa says with a brief smile and a hint of sassiness to her tone. 

Clarke's impressed by the joke, "Oh, well, I wasn't sure you'd be up for it after last night!" They both grimace at the memory, and Clarke laughs before adding, "I'm not entirely sure how I got up from bed to be honest."

Lexa nods along, "my roommate had to yell at me this morning so I wouldn't miss my call with my dad."

"Ah! Good ol' Mr. Woods." Clarke says as if they're familiar with one another. She asks, "how's he doing?" And the way she looks at Lexa lets her know that she actually wants to know how her father is, which - woah! for Lexa who is all about her father, - is a big deal.

She wills her heart to calm down and tells Clarke, "he's not exercising like he's supposed to be, but other than that, he's fine."

They're walking toward the coffee shop from the week before, Clarke really the one who's leading the way. "I'm sure he misses you," Clarke tells her, and when she looks at her questioningly, Clarke adds, "I can hear it in your tone of voice. You miss him."

"Always," Lexa discloses and then, "ah! Yeah. So..." now this she is awkward about asking. "He kind of wants me to send a picture of us."

Clarke looks at her with wide eyes and then grins, "really? Of the both of us?"

She's already working on getting her camera up, and looks away briefly before acknowledging Clarke's question, "yeah. He wants to see what you look like."

They stop walking. More like she's stops walking because Clarke stops walking. Clarke asks, "why?"

"Why what?" She gets the question; she's buying time.

"Why is he asking for a picture of the both of us," Clarke points between them, then takes a step closer and bites the inside of her cheek. "You tell him about me?"

Lexa doesn't want to but ends up stuttering, "y - y - yeah, you've come up." She's looking everywhere but at Clarke because Clarke  _knows_ at this point. 

"What did you tell him, Lex?" Clarke's really in her space now as she fumbles with the phone.

This is her chance. Clarke has literally given her the best opening to come out with her feelings and she knows for a fact that she will reciprocate. It's at the tip of her tongue and it would take three words to tell her, but these thoughts of not being what Clarke truly wants overcome her as it usually does and she lies, "just that I made a friend. He's always asking if I made any friends." This isn't a lie. Lexa considers Clarke a friend. They surely proved the previous night that they can have fun with each other.

Instantly, Lexa recognizes the fire in Clarke's eyes. She knows she's lying; she can read through her bullshit and Lexa is very aware that Clarke wants to call her on it but won't. There's a silent understanding that implicates the both of them of being too scared. "I'm glad we're friends," Clarke says through her teeth and Lexa hears it as rough as it sounds. "Go on - take the picture."

Clarke's arms are around Lexa in an instant. She grabs her by the waist and pulls Lexa into her, then places one hand on Lexa's forehead and smashes her own forehead to Lexa's with a sweet smile on her lips. Lexa adjusts the camera to face them and tilts the screen. She smiles wide for the picture - for her father. The picture is adorable, her stomach flips at how cute they look together.

The phone is stolen from her hand. Clarke's analyzing the picture with a faint, curious smile. She tells her, "please text me this picture so I can post it on my Instagram and Facebook. Which reminds me," Clarke says, "I'll be sending you a friend request later today."

"Yeah, sure," Lexa says. They continue on their walk to the coffee shop as Lexa texts the picture to both Clarke and her father. To her dad she captions it, "I made out with this 10 on Friday. I got game!"

He responds almost immediately, "I thought you were making her up. Good lord, Lexa, she's gorgeous."

She chuckles which makes Clarke wonder again, if the raising eyebrow is any indication. "Something funny?"

"Just my dad being an asshole," Lexa tells her.

"You know," Clarke starts, "I don't think I've ever seen this side of you..." They finally get to the coffee shop. Clarke orders for herself and then indicates for Lexa to pick. She isn't expecting Clarke to pay but her friend says, "my treat, please." 

While they're waiting at the corner table for their names to be called, Lexa asks, "what do you mean? This side of me?"

Clarke elaborates, "I've seen you upset, unimpressed, angry... um, frisky...," she grimaces at the word choice but takes it, "drunk... but never so carefree, not even last night. Your dad must be a great man."

It's unnerving how Clarke can tell the subtle changes in her mood. Okay, so maybe sometimes it's not that subtle. "He is the greatest person I know."

"Could you tell me more about him?" Clarke asks. "I would love to hear some stories."

Lexa spends a good part of their study session telling Clarke about her father, and Clarke continues to enable her with loud laughter and words like, "tell me more." Eventually they do get to the reason why they're there and get down to actually studying.

It's when Lexa is reviewing her notes and Clarke is making notecards that Lexa feels a foot touch her ankle. She stops reading and waits but nothing else comes. Maybe, she tells herself, it was an accident and Clarke didn't mean to. She goes back to her notes, quizzing herself on the details of the finding of Kennewick Man. 

Then she feels it again. A caress of a foot against her leg and she knows what that is. She lifts her eyes from the notes on the table and stares at Clarke who is doing her very best to pretend she doesn't know what's going on. She's going to ask, she wants to ask, but Clarke shakes her head just barely. Lexa thinks about it long and hard and decides that for now she's okay with what's going on. She sees a hint of a smile on Clarke's face - as if she believes she won - and chuckles to herself. 

"How far along with your project are you and Bell?" Clarke asks while they're packing up to leave, a while later.

Lexa tells her, "we're almost done actually." 

"What? We're barely a month into the semester, how are you guys almost done?" Clarke picks up her bag and throws away both hers and Lexa's coffee cups.

Lexa shrugs, "Bellamy's been very dedicated to a schedule. I basically just work on what he asks."

"That does sound like that maniac," Clarke says. She waits for Lexa to be ready and then leads their way out of the shop. "So what did your dad say about our photo from earlier?

"You don't want to know," Lexa answers too quickly. 

Clarke stops Lexa from walking with a hand to her arm. The sun is starting to set and Clarke looks beautiful with the dusk glow. Lexa blinks slowly, losing control of her feelings because all she wants to do is kiss Clarke, especially when she looks at her like  _that,_ damn all of the overthinking she's done. "I want to know." They are talking about the picture but Lexa understands that she means more than that. 

Which is why she admits rather quickly to what her dad said, "he was surprised that you exist."

 "Oh," Clarke says, surprised herself. They begin to walk toward campus again. She asks, "can I walk you home?"

Lexa doesn't break stride but takes a moment to consider the question. There's no harm, right? Besides, spending the afternoon with Clarke has been delightful and she doesn't necessarily want to say goodbye either. "Sure, yeah, I would like that." She stares straight ahead as they walk, and Clarke stares at her. She can feel those questioning eyes wonder the contours of her face. "Did you want to ask something else?" Lexa questions.

"No," Clarke says dismissively, "I'm good for now."

Lexa smiles at the ground because she's afraid that if she smiles at Clarke, emotions will take over. There's no room for her to allow Clarke to take over any more of her mind and heart. She's too imbued in there and Lexa has already dealt with heartbreak for a lifetime. 

The way to Lexa's is mostly just glances burdened by want. There's some conversation here and there, but the silence prevails. 

When they arrive at Lexa's apartment, Clarke stands at the bottom of the stairs, hands in her pockets. She doesn't ask to come up, but doesn't say good bye. 

Lexa stands awkwardly, because this feels a lot like the end of a date even if it wasn't, and her instinct tells her that she should kiss the girl even if she knows she can't.  "I guess that -" she starts.

Clarke takes a minimal step forward, the simple gesture effectively shutting up Lexa. Her eyelids close halfway on their own because Clarke has the capacity to reduce her to nothing with a look.

"Lex," Clarke says in a soft whisper, staring up into Lexa's eyes.

"Hm?"

"Is it okay if I kiss you?"

Lexa clears her throat intent on saying 'no' but when she opens her mouth, a shaky 'yes' comes out. 

Clarke says, "no pressure, just one... simple..." and then she reaches for Lexa's neck pulling her close. The kiss is gentle and very different from their first two kisses. Lexa closes her eyes at the feel of Clarke's lips on hers, takes a deep breath, and kisses back. Apparently the war inside her has a clear loser.

The kiss doesn't last any longer than that as Clarke pulls away slowly. 

Lexa opens her eyes first - she opens them to find Clarke with eyes still closed, brows furrowed, and a sneaky tongue tasting her own lips. "Wow," Clarke finally speaks. "I, um," her eyes open suddenly, and clarity dawns on Lexa. "I'm going to go now." She plays with her fingers but doesn't move. Then, suddenly, she lands one more kiss on Lexa's lips, turns on her heels, and finally walks away.

The first thing that enters Lexa's mind is: damn. 

The second is that she has to tell her father.


	10. My Door is Always Open

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke offers Lexa some support.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will only let you down  
> I will only let you down  
> But my door is always open  
> Yeah, my door is always open

Clarke floats home that night because she just got to kiss Lexa again and this time no one got too hurt. Or so she hopes.

She's at that stage of her crush-ship that she wants to text Lexa immediately even if she dropped her off not even ten minutes ago so she holds off. Instead she texts the Blakes about it because she'll see Raven soon anyway.

*Clarke: omg guys, I kissed her again

Octavia responds the same minute.

*Octavia: holy shit!!! Raven was right!

*Bellamy: how did she react?

*Octavia: did she kiss you back????

*Clarke: she did

*Clarke: she didn't stop me and I gave her fair warning

By the time she gets to the sorority house, Raven already knows. She's at Clarke's door with a smirk plastered on her face and arms crossed. "I called it."

"You did," Clarke doesn't even try to deny it. There's no point. She went to the study thing with another kiss in mind and she's not the kind of girl who doesn't get what she wants. She realizes that although she may want to move things quickly, Lexa seems to be the kind of person who doesn't. With Lexa, Clarke will have be careful and conscious and not push her so fast - otherwise she gets freaked out.

The first thing she does when they get inside her room is pull up Lexa's Facebook profile and request to add as friend. Raven sits indian-style at the end of the bed and continues to bombard her with the same questions that the Blakes had asked. "I know how pathetic I sounded a couple of days ago," Clarke says. "But I feel like I have a shot."

"She kissed you back,  _again_ , even with everything that's happened..." Raven says. "I mean, that's telling." 

Clarke could tell that Lexa was still struggling with some things, but she also picked up on the facts that Lexa let her pay for the coffee, play footsie with her, and walk her home. And they took the cutest picture together. "I have to show you something!" Clarke exclaims when she remembers their picture. "Look!" She basically shoves the phone in Raven's face, forcing her to pull back to be able to see.

"This picture is sickeningly sweet, oh my god. I want to barf." In Raven's terms that's a good thing. 

"Thank you," Clarke laughs. She's too happy, too light to be bothered by anything. "She said that she talks to her father about me - come on! Is that not, like, the cutest thing you've ever heard?" She's picking a filter for their picture and ends up deciding on black and white. She posts on her Instagram and shares it on her Facebook with the caption, _the most annoying study partner_. 

She's too annoying like this, she groans at herself. 

Raven nods along but says, "not in the fucking slightest."

"Raven!" Clarke clicks her tongue. Her phone shows a notification that Lexa Woods has accepted her friend request and followed her back on Instagram. Momentarily, Clarke wonders if Lexa regrets the kiss but she quickly forgets that because she wants to be excited about a kiss with Lexa for once. "Oh! She accepted my friend request, means I can creep on her so much harder. Come here!"

Her friend lies next to her on the bed as they flip through pictures of Lexa. The stuff she had access to before was not all of it, she realizes, but there isn't that much more. "She's so freaking pretty," Raven mutters and Clarke can only agree with a hum. "How is she even human, Clarke?" Clarke continues to flip through pictures of Lexa mostly tagged by other people, and mostly candid pictures.  

Clarke has no idea, she just laughs at the question, "tell me about it!" She sighs, staring at a picture of Lexa's profile, "dude, I'm so fucked."

"Trust me - I can tell," Raven says. She rolls off bed and tells Clarke, "I'm really happy you got to kiss her again though. I gotta go to bed - 8 AM lab tomorrow. Shoot me."

She watches Raven go and promises herself that she'll go to bed soon too. There's no way she'll wait for Lexa to text her about their evening or their kiss. She places her phone face down on the nightstand not to be distracted and closes her eyes. Excitement doesn't let her sleep - she feels this strange sensation in her stomach that expands every time she remembers she'll see Lexa the next morning in class. She can't wait.

Her alarm wakes her up, which is annoying because she barely slept during the night. It doesn't matter though because the promise of getting to hang out with Lexa again, even if it's lecture, is what's made her get up. She gets ready, grabs her things, and leaves her room. She only stops by the kitchen to grab a bagel on her way out.

Bellamy is waiting for her at his usual spot by the fountain on the main quad. They discuss Kiss 2.0 on their way to class, Clarke's giddiness obvious.

They sit down and soon Lincoln comes in, hesitates, but joins them anyway. He sits on the other side of Clarke but leaves an empty desk for Lexa. Class is about to start and Lexa still hasn't arrived. Clarke wonders aloud to both guys but neither knows where she is or if she's coming to class at all.

She could be late, Clarke tells herself. She forces her brain to focus on whatever Dr. Lachley is lecturing about instead of thinking of Lexa and her lips and her eyes and her everything. But it's getting harder by the minute especially because Lexa's not in class yet and it's starting to look like she won't show. 

Of course. Clarke was too naive to think that Lexa was going to be a-okay with what happened. She's probably freaking out and avoiding Clarke.

As soon as class is over, she decides to text Lexa, because before she goes crazy, she wants to give Lexa the benefit of the doubt.

*Clarke: Hey! Missed you in class, everything okay?

The rest of the day, Clarke spends trying to figure out where she went wrong. She doesn't get a response from Lexa all day which drives her nuts. There's no way she can't overanalyze every interaction she had with Lexa the previous day, but as much as she thinks about it, she can't figure out what would make Lexa disappear. Even if she hated the kiss, Clarke doesn't believe it enough reason to not show up to class. 

On the second day of no response from Lexa, Clarke starts to get angry; that's so rude of her to not even text back! She asks Lincoln to try and text her instead but he doesn't get anything back either. 

Clarke tries to spend her weekend focused on sorority matters but she spends a good amount of time checking her phone for any news of Lexa. By the time that Sunday rolls around and she gets absolutely nothing, she's really more worried than angry. The worst part is that she doesn't know enough about Lexa to know who to reach out to about her whereabouts. Even if Lexa is avoiding her, she just needs to know she's alive. She concentrates to try and figure out what to do.

In all of the times she's spent with her, Lexa has only mentioned one other friend - a roommate, really. So Clarke goes back to Lexa's apartment on Sunday to find out where the hell she is.

It's past eleven at night, but she only realizes that when the roommate opens the door with an annoyed look, "yes?"

The roommate is beautiful, much taller than she is and with high cheekbones and brown eyes. "Hi," Clarke mutters. With the judging look she's getting from the girl, Clarke must look like she feels, and if she does, then she looks like a wreck. "I'm Clarke, I'm Lexa's friend -"

"She's not here," the roommate says, already closing the door. 

Clarke stops it, against her better judgement and pushes it back open, "I'm sorry - I," she look visibly shaken, because at this point she's already thought of a million possible things that could have happened to Lexa. "I just need to know if she's okay... I haven't heard from her since Wednesday and she wasn't in class on Thursday."

The roommate looks her up and down and then her eyes light up, "you're  _Clarke_."

"Uh," Clarke scoffs, "I said that. Could you just tell me when she'll be back?"

"Right. She will be back tomorrow evening," she tries closing the door again.

"What's your name?!" Clarke shouts but the door closes and she's left alone. "Rude. But of course, to be Lexa's friend..." 

The next day Clarke is knocking on that door again. This time the roommate looks less annoyed but still unimpressed. Clarke is determined though, she really wants to ensure that Lexa is okay. "Can I come in?"

"She won't be back until later..." The roommate tries to explain, but Clarke's already making her way inside. "Okay? Lexa did say that you were a bit pushy."

Clarke laughs, "yeah, that's me. Could you point me to her room?"

So the roommate does, looking defeated and confused. She opens the door to Lexa's room for Clarke, and then says, "she'll be very angry that you're here."

"I didn't think otherwise," Clarke tells her and sits down on the bed.

"It's Anya, by the way," the roommate tells her and then leaves the room, closing the door behind her.

She's alone in Lexa's room now and doesn't know exactly what to do - she hadn't planned that far ahead. For a while she hangs out texting her friends and trying not to look at all of Lexa's things - at anything really, so she sits and tries to not be curious. Soon enough her curiosity wins out and she's flipping through the books Lexa has on her nightstand and then stands up to look at other things.

The room is nothing like she expected it to be, but very Lexa. There are a lot of books everywhere, but nothing seems to be out of place. The curtains are closed, so Clarke opens it and lets sunlight stream in. The incoming light reveals how dusty the room is, probably from the fact that it's been closed off for a while.

She skims over papers and pictures on her desk. As expected, Lexa has a picture with her father on the desk but unexpectedly, Clarke picks up a printed out copy of  _their_ picture. It's not in a frame, or printed out in photo paper, but it exists and it gives her hope that Lexa isn't avoiding her for what happened. Something else is at play here and maybe it doesn't have to do with her.

By the time she's done (deep) cleaning Lexa's room (she nicely asked Anya for a rag and Windex, and was given both with a skeptical look), she's exhausted and it's been two hours. She only intends to lie down on Lexa's bed to relax for a little bit... 

She wakes up with the feeling that she's falling, scared and confused as to where she is. She rubs her eyes, blinks a couple of times and -

"You cleaned."

Lexa.

She's home.

Clarke sits up quickly, still a little dizzy from her nap, but happy and relieved to see Lexa's okay.

"Oh my god, Lexa! Hi," she gets up from the bed, embarrassment taking over. She really hadn't thought this through. 

Lexa has never looked more tired in the entire time Clarke has known her. She's sitting against the door, one leg bent at the knee. 

She needs to be cautious, needs to thread this space carefully. "I'm sorry," she apologizes. Her usual instinct would be to fix her hair but she can't bother to care about that with the downright lost way that Lexa looks. "I know I overstepped but... I needed to see you. Make sure you're okay."

"You have no right to be in here," Lexa tells her but her voice lacks any bite, any kind of strength. It is Lexa but it sounds nothing like her and it breaks Clarke's heart. 

"I know," Clarke agrees. She slowly gets up from the bed and moves toward the desk. But she insists, "are you alright?" Lexa nods but doesn't say anything else and Clarke knows she's overstayed her welcome so she grabs her jacket to go. "I really just wanted to check up on you. Now that I see you're alright, I'll go."

She stands in front of Lexa, who's still sitting against the door and not really making a move to get up. For once, Clarke doesn't know what to do. If it were anyone else, she would have already asked about it, but it's Lexa and Lexa isn't anyone else. 

But Lexa doesn't move and when Clarke squats in front of her, she notices the teary eyes. It makes her panic. "Lexa, please talk to me," she begs, fear rising within her. "What happened?" 

Lexa covers her face with both hands, takes in a deep breath, and then looks right into Clarke's eyes to tell her, "you should go."

Finally she stands, moves out of Clarke's way, and looks out her window. Clarke's squatting on the same spot, trying to understand what just happened. "Lexa?" She says softly, trying to help - to do something more than feel like an intruder. She hates seeing Lexa like this, but she hates it even more that she's trying to push her away.

" _Please_ , Clarke," Lexa says without turning around. The way her shoulders sag tell Clarke that she's probably crying. "I can't... right now." 

Clarke nods even though she knows Lexa can't see her. Although she doesn't want to go, she wants to respect Lexa's wishes. But Clarke is serious about making sure Lexa's okay, so she tells Lexa as she opens the door, "you know where I live. You have my phone number. I'm not going anywhere."

When she closes the door, she swears she can hear Lexa sobbing.

Now that she's sure Lexa's alive, Clarke worries about why she's crying.

At least she shows up to class on Tuesday, so Clarke can relax about her becoming a recluse. Clarke sits next to her but neither say a thing. Lexa sits and listens to lecture and Clarke knows better than to try to make conversation but she intends to stick by what she said the previous night and remains silent but steady next to her. 

Once class is over, Lexa leaves without looking back. Clarke feels like shit, but she knows that Lexa needs the space so she lets her go without trying to stop her.

She's in her room that afternoon, studying, when she gets a text. From Lexa. She shakes as she picks up her phone to read what she has to say.

*Lexa: I'm sorry

She has no idea what Lexa is apologizing for but it instantly catches her attention. No longer tired, Clarke sits up in bed and turns on her night lamp.

*Clarke: what for?

She's nervous - something about the fact that Lexa has chosen now to text her scares her.

*Lexa: I'm not sure, I'm a mess right now

That's a very sad thing that Lexa's just admitted to. She's surprised that Lexa actually took her up on her offer and is talking to her but she will take advantage of it to try to help. She takes a chance.

*Clarke: do you need company?

*Lexa: no, anya's home

*Clarke: do you want my company?

*Lexa: yes

Without a second thought Clarke is getting ready. She throws on a sweater with their school's name stamped across her chest and pulls on some shorts. She doesn't bother with her hair, simply puts it up in a quick bun. 

*Clarke: I'll be there in 10, have you had food today?

It takes a while before Lexa texts back. Clarke isn't sure if she's away from her phone or just avoiding the question altogether.

*Lexa: no

*Clarke: I'll be there in 10 with food

Anya opens the door after Clarke's been knocking loudly for about two minutes. She always looks annoyed at Clarke but it doesn't bother her. She nods as a thank you and walks through the apartment straight for Lexa's room.

She opens the door slowly and is met with a dark room. "Lexa?"

"Hi," she hears coming from a ball on the bed. 

"I'm going to turn on the lights, okay?" she says softly. She hears a hum in agreement so she turns it on and sits on the bed. She pulls on the covers just enough to see Lexa's face. "Let's eat?"

Lexa looks up at her with the green eyes she's started to fall for and Clarke tries not to look so smitten in this circumstance. "Ok," she mumbles and sits up. "I'm sorry," she tells Clarke again and then shakes her head in disapproval of herself, apparently.

"Don't be sorry," Clarke tells her. "You haven't done anything wrong," she reassures Lexa.

Lexa looks away, "don't be so sure." Her stomach growls and she looks embarrassed for a moment before asking Clarke, "the food?"

"Ah!" Clarke grabs the bag from the floor and lifts up to-go boxes. "I got Chinese because everyone loves Chinese, right?"

Lexa nods, "yeah."

"Come on," Clarke places the boxes on the desk and offers her hand to Lexa. Lexa takes it and lets Clarke pull her up. It's not fair that Lexa is only wearing a long shirt that goes to the middle of her thighs. Clarke leads her out of the room and to the dining room, where she makes Lexa sit on the table. Anya looks back from the living room where she's watching tv in shock, "do you want some dinner?" Clarke offers.

"Hell yeah," Anya agrees and joins them. "I - how?" She throws a pointed glance at Lexa.

Clarke smiles at Lexa and then back at Anya and simply shrugs as a response.

Throughout dinner, Anya tells Clarke a lot about how it's like living with Lexa, who just looks mortified the entire time but doesn't try to stop her. Anya is excitedly recounting a tale about a drunk freshman Lexa trying to shower without getting wet when Clarke feels it. It's a foot against her leg and she does her best to keep her face blank but she suspects she fails when Anya raises an eyebrow at her. 

Anya excuses herself and goes back to watching tv when she's done with her plate. Clarke is clearing the containers from the table when Lexa touches her hand. "Thank you, Clarke."

Lexa's hand is warm against her own. "You're welcome," she tries to sound as cool as she possibly can. "Do you want to go talk?"

"Not really," Lexa admits as she stands up from the table. She leads the way back to her room and Clarke does her very best not to stare at her legs the entire way. It's not very respecting of her to check out Lexa when she is clearly upset, right? Clarke's trying to be a good person here. "But I do have a PS4 in my room."

Clarke laughs, "I'm terrible at video games."

"I'll teach you," Lexa promises. 

So Clarke indulges Lexa by agreeing to play _Battlefront_. Apparently Lexa really liked the new _Star_ _Wars_ movie and even though it was the only one she's ever seen, she needed to buy the game. She saw the movie with Lincoln the night after Kiss 1.0, she tells Clarke, finally opening up a bit and allowing herself to laugh. She insisted that Lincoln come over that night, bought the game immediately, and they spent hours playing. 

They're both sitting up against the bed's headboard, Clarke more like leaning against Lexa's shoulder. Clarke is actually pretty good at the game, she wins the first game against Lexa which drives her crazy. "Beginner's luck," she says along with an eye roll.

Clarke laughs, "sure. You ready to lose again?"

"You can call me Commander when you lose," Lexa tells her, jokingly.

She looks up at Lexa, whose eyes are shining in myrth, and Clarke really wants to kiss her again. "Only if you start calling me Princess."

Lexa groans and Clarke pushes her shoulder against Lexa. 

"Why are you here, Clarke?" Lexa asks suddenly.

It catches her off guard, as most things do when it comes to Lexa. She ponders whether Lexa will get upset but comes out with it anyway, "I like you. You asked me to come." She pauses, "and I worry about you."

She shifts above Clarke, uncomfortable. Then Clarke pauses the game and turns to face her. "Why do you ask?"

She shrugs, "you didn't have to come." It saddens Clarke that this girl is so broken right now. "Also I had a question saved up." Lexa remembers that from their post make-out talk in her room, the Friday of the sorority Bash. Clarke had asked Lexa many questions and then told Lexa she probably had the right to ask a question as well, to which Lexa said she would save it for later. 

Clarke smiles as she tells her, "I'm surprised you messaged me." She rests her cheek on Lexa's shoulder and then begins to caress her arm with the tips of her fingers. "Why did you?"

Lexa shuts her eyes and leans back, "I knew you would come."

At this admission, Clarke gets goosebumps. She reaches up and cups Lexa's neck, her thumb moving against the soft hairs found at the nape. "Of course I'm here," she looks deep into Lexa's eyes trying to convey just how much she means that. She furrows her brows, "what happened, Lexa?"

"I went to New York."

New York means her father and her father should translate into happy Lexa, not this hollow person speaking now. "To see your father? That's a good thing, right?"

"Not to see my father," Lexa says, pensive. She's withdrawing again and Clarke won't have it so she squeezes Lexa's neck gently just to snap her back. "To see my mother."

"What?" Clarke doesn't understand. Lexa had told her she never met her. "You're close to your mother? I thought you said -"

"I lied to you." She's quiet again. When Clarke looks at her she can see the gears in Lexa's mind moving as she figures out how much to tell Clarke. "She died on Wednesday. Only a couple of hours after you left actually."

"Oh," Clarke says. Obviously she's hurt about being lied to but Lexa has no obligation to tell her anything she doesn't want. The hurt she's feeling doesn't even compare to what Lexa must be feeling. She feels stupid for thinking this could have been about her. "I'm so sorry. That's awful." 

"Don't be sorry," Lexa scoffs. "She was the worst."

 The comment shocks her to the core. She attempts to keep her face blank but Lexa glares at her. Instead of asking the million of questions she has for Lexa, Clarke says gently, "I am sorry that you're clearly upset."

"We don't have to talk about it," Lexa says. She places her hand on top of Clarke's still resting on her neck. Her eyes drop to Clarke's lips. "We don't have to talk at all."

Clarke knows that this is a bad idea. The way Lexa feels right now is the worst pain and wanting to escape from that at any cost can mean making rash decisions. 

However, Lexa must have a reason to not want to talk about it and to speak so ill of her mother. Lexa's still staring at her lips but her expression is morphing to an entertained one, and Clarke gives in.

She _knows_ it's a bad idea to kiss her when she's so fragile, so vulnerable, but the look on her face right now is anything but those two things. "Okay, we don't talk at all," Clarke nods along and immediately their lips crash.

Lexa is strong, Clarke already knows this from _previous_ encounters and the way her muscles flex when they make out makes Clarke ridiculously wet. She's kissing Lexa again, and she knows that if Lexa doesn't stop her, it will go further. 

She needs to check in with Lexa because she's not sure she wants to handle another week of Lexa being weird. "Is this okay? Are you okay?"

The girl pulls Clarke on top of her, very reminiscent of Kiss 1.0 in Clarke's room, except this time they're in Lexa's apartment. Lexa chuckles and says between kisses, "I thought... we agreed... Not to talk." Clarke moans when Lexa bites her bottom lip at the end of the sentence and gives up talking again.

This maybe isn't entirely what Lexa needs but if this is what she needs now, Clarke will give it to her. 

So she slows down their kissing because she'll do this right. Lexa looks midly confused and even a bit offended Clarke is stopping but Clarke shakes her head slightly and keeps Lexa from kissing her so aggressively.

When Lexa does stop, she calms her down with a gentle, reassuring kiss. Then she kisses her again, just as gentle and starts to make love to her. Lexa looks like she's on the verge of panic, so Clarke smiles, broad and completely trusting. 

Lexa is the one who tries to speak, "Clarke-"

"It's okay," Clarke tells her, reading her mind. "I want this, you're not forcing me. Unless you want me to stop?"

Lexa's head falls backward on her bed when Clarke kisses her neck and finds her chest at the same time. "Please don't." Her hands creep down Lexa's shirt, all the way to where it stops at Lexa's thighs, and then up inside it, all the way until they reach Lexa's boobs again. Clarke's delighted to confirm that Lexa isn't wearing a bra. Lexa gasps at the touch of Clarke, and Clarke moans at the feel of Lexa.

Lexa sits up, they're still kissing, and removes her shirt quickly. Clarke watches, mesmerized, and practically drooling at how gorgeous Lexa is. 

Her green eyes have turned almost black. She looks at Clarke and sighs, almost as if giving up a battle that she has been fighting alone. Clarke can't focus on much because Lexa is staring at her with that look and nothing but undies on, and they happen to be the tiniest shorts. 

She regains control of her body when Lexa pulls her back into her, kissing Clarke with so much passion they almost run out of air. When they pull away, Lexa is holding Clarke's face with both hands and touching foreheads. Her eyes are closed still, but she asks, "when do I get to take your clothes off?" And before Clarke says anything, she removes Clarke's shirt and throws it at the foot of her bed. 

"Woah," Lexa exclaims. She runs her hands down Clarke's abs, then pulls her closer by the waist and kisses Clarke as she works on removing her black lace bra. Clarke no longer has a voice because when Lexa wants her like she does now, it makes her senseless and stupid. She giggles when Lexa finally removes the bra and curses at how annoying that particular piece of clothing is. "Woah," Lexa repeats, but a grin takes over her face. Her mouth is quick to find a nipple and Clarke's back bends to accommodate.

"Geez," Clarke exhales. She grabs Lexa's hair and pulls her back up to her mouth so she can kiss her more in thanks for the amazing work. Then she flips them over and tells her, "me first." 

Lexa laughs quietly and helps Clarke remove her own underwear. Clarke doesn't waste her time getting her mouth on Lexa, anywhere really. She is kissing Lexa's thighs, then licks her way up her stomach. Her hands caress whatever they can find, because she can't get enough of the way Lexa is moving and moaning. As predicted, she's not loud, but her quiet whimpers and heavy breathing are more than enough to get Clarke fueled up. 

Her fingers find that Lexa's dripping wet, and it the knowledge that it's because of her makes her moan her name, "Lexa." 

Lexa grips Clarke's shoulders tighter as Clarke enters her, " _fuck_ , Clarke." It's so soft, but so very primal, Clarke grins.

"You're beautiful, so so beautiful" she tells Lexa as her fingers touch all of the most intimate parts of Lexa. It's such an enormous feeling, it hurts to keep it to herself anymore. Instead of saying anything stupid, Clarke decides to put her mouth and tongue to better use, so she kisses her way down Lexa's body until she can taste Lexa.

Their bodies give and take from each other, like waves eating the shore, and Lexa comes with a soft gasp, eyes clenched tight and Clarke's body all over her. By the time Lexa goes down on Clarke, it doesn't take too long before she's coming too. Lexa has to kiss her to muffle Clarke's ecstasy. 

The next morning when Clarke wakes up naked, she's painfully aware she's fucked because she's never seen someone more beautiful than Lexa (and because everything is sore in all the right ways). Her heart beats fast at the sight of the pink lips that did wonders to her the night before, Lexa's cheeks slightly flushed and her hair wild.

The morning sun bathes her through a slit in the curtains on the window, and before Clarke even reaches to touch the ray where it covers Lexa's skin, she knows she'll be warm. Slowly she caresses Lexa with the back of her fingers, trailing the valleys and mountains of her body. She's smiling, she realizes, because this feeling - as scary as it is - is also very new. She absolutely adores the girl in front of her, and will do anything to keep her.

"Good morning to you, too," Lexa mutters in her sleepy state. She still hasn't opened her eyes, but she's smiling, her mouth a curve.

Clarke drags her fingers up Lexa's arm and grazes her face, moving a curl away from her eyes. Lexa chooses this moment to open them and the pure gaze shocks her all over again, much like last night. "Good morning," she says and reaches forward to kiss Lexa on impulse. She doesn't apologize though, even if her initial instinct is to believe Lexa will shut down now. "Sorry I woke you. Can't keep my hands to myself."

"Apparently," Lexa fakes annoyance. She closes her eyes again and turns away, "going back to sleep, ok?"

Clarke really won't be able to sleep anymore, with knowing that she shared a bed with Lexa after they had sex in it. She wants to be cool and collected about it but every cell in her body is screaming for more of Lexa. She stares at Lexa's bare back and tries to ignore the want to touch again. Whatever, she doesn't want to worry anymore. "No," she whines quietly and turns Lexa back over. "It's Wednesday. We both have the day off," she reminds Lexa.

Lexa's quiet for a while and Clarke's trying not to take it to heart but she doesn't know if now she has truly overstayed her welcome. "I truly hope you don't say you want to go do something right now, Clarke." Okay, so that's not Lexa kicking her out or completely dismissing the idea that they could hang out. 

"It's almost eleven," Clarke informs Lexa. "Can we go out for breakfast?" She's pushing it, she knows, but she can't care right now.

Lexa groans loudly, then turns around to look at Clarke. She watches Clarke's eyes for a minute, then licks her lips and kisses Clarke. It definitely surprises Clarke, who has been worrying that the previous night had been nothing more than sex to Lexa. "Can we go in 30?"

Clarke's more than happy to wait another thirty minutes if it means Lexa will come to breakfast with her. She smiles and nods, too eager. 

Lexa actually smiles back, "you're fine, Clarke. Stop stressing. We're fine."

"Yeah?" Clarke asks to confirm, scooting closer. 

"Yeah," Lexa tells her. "Now set your alarm, and let's sleep." So she does.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My Door is Always Open is a song from Noah and the Whale's The First Days of Spring album.


	11. Stoppin' the Love

 

 _ _You got me wondering why__  
_I am underneath this big old sky_  
_Stopping the loving getting in_

  
Stoppin' the Love - KT Tunstall

* * *

When she wakes up the second time around, she's slightly disappointed about the lack of Clarke. Stretching, she sits up in bed and rubs her eyes out. Maybe she dreamt the whole thing? No, there's no way. She groans as her body begins to ache in all the right places from where Clarke touched her.

  
Finally, she gets out of bed and pulls on shorts and throws on a tee she finds on the floor. As usual, she opens the blinds all the way to let sunlight in her room and then moves toward her desk to Skype with her father. She stops halfway. She's not sure she can do that yet. Even if he's ready, she's not.

  
The door creaks open and Lexa turns, as if she had just been caught doing something silly.

  
"Hey, you're up," Clarke says, coming toward her in the shirt that she had been wearing yesterday. It's her favorite shirt - an army green extra long shirt that goes to her thighs. And it looks absolutely amazing on Clarke.

Clarke notices her staring and says, "sorry - I had to put something on." She doesn't actually sound sorry at all.

  
"No worries," Lexa gives Clarke a brief smile.

  
Clarke sits on the bed and looks up at Lexa, still standing by the chair. "Did you get the extra sleep you needed?"

  
Lexa can't say it out loud, but she does love seeing Clarke in almost no clothing sitting on her bed. The way she looks up at her doesn't go unnoticed either. Without much thought, Lexa admits, "yeah, it's the first time I slept in almost a week."

  
"What?" Clarke questions, worried. She stands up and closes the short distance between her and Lexa. "That's awful, Lexa. I'm -"

  
"Please don't apologize again," Lexa grimaces. It's not Clarke's fault that her family is so dysfunctional, and she shouldn't have to keep apologizing for something she could never understand.

"But, I should thank you." Lexa adds. She reaches for Clarke's hand and then looks into her worried blue eyes, "So thanks."

  
Clarke smiles at that and then takes another small step forward. Lexa knows what she wants but she waits until Clarke tells her, "any time, truly." She winks at the end and then licks her lips. Lexa chuckles and gives her a quick peck on the lips.

"Hm," Clarke hums. "I mean, you can definitely do better," she jokes and then moves away to start picking up her clothes. "But I'll take it for now."

  
Lexa raises an eyebrow at the back of Clarke, and her guest asks, "can I borrow some pants or sweats? It's fucking cold outside today."

  
"So," Lexa drags. "Today is our study day."

  
"We're not studying, Lexa," Clarke tells her with a tone of voice indicating she knows that. A lot goes unsaid but with the look Clarke gives her, Lexa understands.

She laughs under her breath and turns around to give Clarke some kind of privacy as she pulls off the shirt to put on her bra. "You don't have to do that," Clarke tells her.

There's no modesty in her words and Lexa blushes profusely at thinking about their night.

  
"I'm just looking for your sweats," Lexa says, pretending to be looking for them.

  
"I promise I look just as hot in daylight," Clarke teases. "I'm also just as willing in daylight," she feels the need to add, driving the butterflies in Lexa's stomach mad. This girl just doesn't quit.

  
Lexa turns just in time to catch Clarke pulling the green shirt back on. "Good to know," Lexa says simply.

  
They finish getting dressed and ready and start making their way out of the apartment for food. Clarke tells Lexa to invite Anya, but the roommate is nowhere to be found so they just go.

  
They walk side-by-side, Clarke's hands in the pockets of Lexa's sweats the entire way. Seeing Clarke in her clothes does make her feel pretty good; it's an ego booster, and she would be lying if she didn't think it was hot.

  
There's no awkwardness as they talk and laugh about random topics. It's like the girl takes in the sunshine through every pore in her body and radiates it out to everyone around her. Every time Clarke smiles at Lexa and squints because of the sun, it clenches Lexa's heart more. If she's not careful, she'll be giving away all of it too soon, too recklessly.

  
Clarke insisted that Lexa choose the place. She ends up just picking one as they walk, promising Clarke it'll be good. She's not sure, actually. She's never been there before, but she promises anyway.

Clarke gives her shit for it and they bicker about it while ordering the food and coffee up until the moment Clarke's chocolate chip pancakes arrive and she melts. "Damn it," she says around a mouthful, "these are delicious."

  
"I told you, Clarke," Lexa tells her with a smirk.

  
Clarke pointedly ignores her as she continues to eat the pancakes smothered in syrup. Lexa laughs and digs in her own plate of biscuits and gravy.

  
There's an easiness to hanging out with Clarke that attracts Lexa to her, but also scares her. She's learned enough in the time that she's known Clarke that she's not going to get away with pulling away too much, but she has to admit that Clarke is everything that she should know not to want. Still, there's nothing Clarke could ask of her right now that she wouldn't do.

  
"Oh, hey," Clarke breaks Lexa's thoughts. "It's Ravens birthday this Saturday. You should come out to the party," Clarke smiles knowingly. "I promise not to kick you out of my room again," she says cheekily. "In fact," she deliberates, "you can stay the night." Then as an afterthought she adds, "if you want." She visibly swallows and Lexa thinks she's adorable when she's nervous.

  
Lexa thinks about it, long and hard, as she stares at Clarke in silence. Clarke does her best to seem like the wait is not torturing her but Lexa just wants to make her squirm a bit. "Have I met Raven?" She asks.

  
"Um," Clarke makes a thinking face, pouting exaggeratedly as she tries to remember if they have, "No. You guys have never met." It hits her at once so she informs Lexa, "you have seen her though. At the bash, you were watching as we kissed."

  
"Ah," Lexa says, trying to maintain her composure. She's not jealous of Clarke; she has no reason to be, right? Clarke's not her girlfriend, so she doesn't care. "You kiss all of your friends?"

  
"Just the impossibly cute ones," Clarke responds quickly. "The cute, grumpy ones."

  
She's almost impossible to resist, Lexa thinks. If she continues to say sappy things like that, it will destroy her in ways she won't be able to come back from, and she's not entirely sure she's ready for that kind of commitment. "You flatter me," Lexa comments.

  
"Well," Clarke takes a long sip of her coffee, "I like you." That's the second time in two days that Clarke's admitted that to Lexa. It's no declaration of love, but Lexa hesitates when she hears it. It must show on her face because Clarke smiles sweetly and leans forward to catch her eyes, "but hey -" she shakes her head slightly, "I just want you to know that. By no means am I trying to get you to do something you don't want to do."

  
Lexa is thankful that Clarke seems to know exactly what to say. And it's not that she doesn't want to; she really does, but she just can't afford to get invested in anything serious right now. She's not in the right space emotionally with the loss of her biological mother and the fight she had with her father, and Clarke shouldn't have to deal with her baggage.

  
Clarke continues, "I mean, yeah, last night was very nice, but I am okay with us being friends."

  
"It's not that I don't..." Lexa takes a deep breath, "I like you, too," she says with some struggle. Clarke smiles despite herself and bites her lip in anticipation. "But, I can't do, like, a relationship."

  
"That's fine!" Clarke is quick to reassure. "Friends, okay? But you know that I like you, and that I am ready whenever you are." If Clarke's disappointed she doesn't say. Instead she leans forward again and takes Lexa's hand in her own. "Can I ask you something?"

  
"Have I ever said no?"

  
She narrows her eyes at Lexa and says, "yes. Sometimes you don't respond," Clarke says gently. "I don't want to upset you." Her care is obvious with every word spoken, so Lexa nods and revels in the feeling of Clarke's thumb on the back of her hand. "What scares you so much?"

  
Lexa's taken aback by the question, her lungs feel like they might collapse. It's such a loaded question and there are a million possible answers when it comes to her, another million answers when it comes to her and Clarke. "What do you mean?" she asks, trying to lessen the blow she felt on every inch of her body.

  
She momentarily hates the look in Clarke's eyes because it's clear to Lexa that Clarke reads her like an open book. "I mean, why do I scare you so much?"

  
"You don't."

  
"Don't lie to me, please," Clarke pleads. She squeezes Lexa's hand and again conveys with a look that she should know better.

  
Lexa doesn't even know where to begin. How does she answer this question?

  
Thankfully, Clarke's distracted by the sudden ringing of her phone. She startles and lets go of Lexa's hand - which is unfortunate because Lexa was starting to really get used to it. She pulls it out of her pocket with some wiggling and picks up, "hey, mom." She looks at Lexa and then excuses herself by mouthing 'sorry.' Lexa watches as Clarke walks away from the table.

  
At least it buys her time to breathe. Clarke walks outside of the diner and gesticulates wildly as she speaks on the phone. Lexa is unable to look away the entire time, because as scary as Clarke is, she's a gorgeous human being inside and out.

  
The waitress comes around again and refills Lexa's coffee and smiles at her, before doing the same to Clarke's mug. "Your friend really likes her syrup, huh?" she comments as she cleans up the plates.

Lexa nods and smiles back, trying to convince herself that anything with Clarke right now would be stupid and destined for heartbreak. Sometimes the most well-intentioned of connections are ill-timed, and that's something she needs to remember.

  
Her phone vibrates as Clarke's coming back and it's a text from her father: Sorry, kiddo, can't Skype today. Talk soon. Love you!

  
Lexa's heart bottoms out. It's not like she didn't know he was going to skip their call, because she was doing the same; avoiding it. But it's been 2 hours since they were supposed to talk and he gives a lame excuse.

This is why her heart isn't equipped to handle a Clarke: beautiful and radiant Clarke, who's so open about her feelings all the time and who can possibly break her even more than she already is. Her own father, who was supposed to back her up whenever, can't speak to her right now. It's the first time they've gone this long without talking. If that's not life telling her that she's unworthy, then she's not sure what it is.

  
Clarke sits down in a huff, clearly upset at the conversation she had with her mother and muttering under her breath. She sees the coffee, exhales in gratitude at the sight, and takes a large gulp, drink steaming and all.

She looks up at Lexa and tells her, "my mother is ridiculous." The statement resonates in Lexa's head, she's said that one times too many to her own father. Although she's one hundred percent sure that Clarke's situation is not the same. "I am supposed to start working an internship at my father's company next Monday. They just made the decision for me and I have to do it."

  
"I'm sorry, Clarke," Lexa tells her honestly. Even if it doesn't compare, Lexa knows that Clarke isn't thrilled about taking her rightful place at her father's company. He's a big name in the technology sector. It took a while for Lexa to connect the dots but Jake Griffin of Ark, Inc. is no small man. "You really can't say no?"

  
"And risk being cut off?" Clarke asks bitterly. "I depend on my parents while at school."

  
Lexa repeats, "I'm sorry, this must suck."

  
"Yeah, well, business is more important than my happiness, apparently," Clarke complains. "Shit," she mutters, realization hitting her, "I should apologize Lexa. I shouldn't be talking about my parents like this when -"

  
"It's fine," she stresses before Clarke can finish that sentence. "You have a right to be upset."

  
Lexa witnesses as Clarke's anger dissipates and is replaced with the same care she had seen on her face before the call. "I really am sorry, you know? About your mother."  
It tugs at her heart strings, how often Clarke can make her feel like the worst human being alive but also not. Still she doesn't offer anything more than a simple thanks.

  
"Wait," Clarke wonders out loud. "Today's Wednesday... - how's your dad?" She asks, suddenly. Her eyes go wide and she gets red. "I can't believe I forgot to ask about your father! He must be devastated."

  
Lexa doesn't lie but doesn't offer the full truth. She knows that it'll just open a can of worms and Clarke will want to hear more, know more - help her. "He really is."

  
"Please send him my condolences. Lexa, do you want to talk about it at all? Are you okay?"

  
Talking about it is the last thing she wants to do. Every fiber in her being tells her to not tell Clarke because she doesn't want Clarke to know this side of her: ruthless, cold, even when it comes to her own family. And, although she doesn't want to talk about it, she finds herself telling Clarke, "I'm adopted."

  
Clarke's mouth drop and she wants to ask, she moves her lips, questioning look takes over her eyes. But Lexa goes on, "My father is not my biological dad; he is my mother's older brother."

  
"Oh," Clarke pushes some hair away from her face and says, "I'm listening."

  
It takes her a while to get the words unstuck from her throat but she says, seemingly out of topic, "you're too much." For me; for my emotional state but she doesn't say it out loud.

  
Clarke makes a confused face at Lexa. She raises an eyebrow in curiosity when Lexa stops and takes a sip of her coffee while waiting.

  
"I don't know how to deal with... Feelings, I guess. And you - you're so beautiful and smart, well-off... I don't see what you see in me or what you get out of this." She points at herself, in a self-deprecating motion and smiles sadly. "I just, - I mean, Clarke, eventually you'll realize you don't like me at all and I'll be left heartbroken. Again."

  
Well, then. That was a lot more than she intended to say, Clarke has the right to know what Lexa thinks. She likes Clarke but Clarke is too good for this - for her.

  
Clarke, who seconds ago looked at Lexa with pity, looks downright furious now. "I _hate_ it when you do this Lexa." She shakes her head then narrows her eyes at Lexa, "this isn't a game for me." She breathes in and out hard so as to not explode and calls the waitress over to request their bills. "You have got to be kidding," she adds and sits back on her booth, crossing her arms.

  
Lexa wonders if maybe Clarke will storm off but they haven't paid yet so she's hoping Clarke is a decent human being to wait for the check. She knows she's messed up. She should fix it.

  
"Clarke," Lexa says, "you just said you are okay with being friends."

  
"I am," she says, defensively. "But -"

  
"You don't get it. You've never had it hard growing up, you probably always get what you want," Lexa cuts her off. She's trying to explain herself but it doesn't seem to be working because the look on Clarke's face takes a turn for the worse. "I mean, there's nothing wrong with you; there's just a lot you don't know about me and the more you learn the less you'll like me."

  
Clarke rolls her eyes at Lexa's comments and mutters, "this again," taking Lexa back to the coffeehouse when Clarke has asked Lexa to let her get to know her. "I'm an adult, Lexa. I think I can decide for myself whether or not to like you." Her eyes soften then and she says, voice shy, "I don't know your history, you're right. But what I do know about you - the little you have let me in on, I _already_ like. It's too late to try and protect me, as thwarted as you do it."

  
"I'm protecting me too," Lexa admits.  
Clarke nods and says, "I get it. You have this preconceived notion of who I am based on shit you have heard around school and you think that I don't know what I want. You think I'm a dumb sorority girl who only cares about getting laid. You seem to know everything about me," she finishes, sarcasm rolling off her tongue as fast as the kisses from last night - but these words are not as sweet as those kisses.

  
Okay, so maybe Clarke has a point. Clarke laughs bitterly and continues, "you know, it's ironic how you keep saying I don't know you but you have not changed your mind about how you thought I was." At this point, Lexa's overcome with shame. Clarke is not letting her back out. "You haven't been paying attention at all! Or something changed between the time I picked up the call and came back because Lexa," Clarke creases her forehead, "I thought we were finally getting somewhere."

  
Her frustration is clear and now Lexa does feel like the asshole Clarke thinks she is. They did have a good thing going and she let her dead mother and (usually the best in the world but right now) jerk father ruin it. Clarke has literally been like coming up for fresh air after being held down under water for who knows how long.

  
The waitress returns with their checks and smiles, "take your time, ladies."

  
Lexa feels like she needs to do something - an apology would be great but also a gesture to show Clarke she has been paying attention.

  
While Clarke is fishing for her card, Lexa grabs her check and places it on top of her own. "Hey!" Clarke tries to protest, but Lexa keeps her hands at bay. She hands both to the waitress when she comes back.

  
"You shouldn't have," Clarke tells her, still pissed at their conversation.

  
"Yes, I should." Lexa says. "You're right," her eyebrow lifts on its own accord. "I have been quick to judge, and I haven't given you a fair chance."

  
"Hm," Clarke clears her throat. "Sudden change of heart," Clarke comments. "You trying to get into my pants again? You can be so sweet when you are."

  
It's a low blow but it's not a lie. She stares at Clarke, still wearing her shirt.

Lexa knew Clarke would come over and she let her. She took advantage of Clarke so that she could feel like a decent person at least for a moment, and she did it because as she had admitted, she knew Clarke would come.

  
"That's fair," Lexa agrees. "I do like you, Clarke," she insists. Clarke scoffs at this second admission. "You are everything I'm not, that's why you scare me."

  
Clarke rolls her eyes and crosses her arms again. Leaning forward on the booth, she says, "You really should not make assumptions of people before you get to know them."

  
Lexa's curious now. "Okay," she leans back, "what was your first impression of me? Since you're Miss 'I never judge books by its covers.'"

  
She genuinely laughs at that and Lexa is delighted to see they're getting back to a lighter mood. Clarke has something about her sometimes that takes over (and Lexa presumes that Clarke doesn't realize this), but her entire being seems to relax and she just looks so beautiful. Lexa stares.

"Honestly?"

  
"Please," Lexa tells her. "I wouldn't expect anything else from you."

  
"Okay. Well," Clarke clears her throat. "My first impression after meeting you in class was that you were a class A jerk, but," she sighs and smiles gently, "my first impression of you when I first saw you around was that you were ridiculously too pretty to be human."

Lexa blushes profusely at knowing that Clarke had already seen her around and thought she was pretty. "Obviously that still stands, otherwise I probably would not be wearing your damn clothes right now..." she trails off, then chuckles, "and to be honest so does 'Class A Jerk' although sometimes you get bumped down to Class B, depending on the day and your mood."

  
Lexa has to laugh at that and she gives it to Clarke. If Clarke were to judge her by their very first interaction, she was aloof and even a little rude. "Alright, I should apologize then, for how I behaved."

  
"No need, Lexa," Clarke assures her. "Not for that day anyway."

  
"I'm sorry." She knows that she owes Clarke an apology. She had made assumptions of Clarke, just as she had said, based on what she had heard about her and not based on their growing friendship. "I think it would have been easier for me to understand it if you actually were that girl people talk about."

  
"What?"

  
"I can do casual sex," Lexa says. "And yeah, I would be lying if I said I don't think you're attractive. You're," she stutters at her next words, "gorgeous, like um, probably the prettiest girl I've ever met." She breathes out, gives Clarke time to soak in the information. Clarke says thanks quietly and Lexa stares in admiration as she sees her words physically affect Clarke. She shakes her head, she cannot let it get to her. She's trying to make a point.

"Like, those things I get. So if this was just about us hooking up, then it would be fine. My problem is figuring out what to do with the feelings I have for you," she finally admits, grimacing at herself for being so stupid.

  
Clarke sighs, "anyone with two eyes can see that you have emotional walls put up." She counts on her fingers, "You clearly don't trust people easily... you have commitment issues... you _must_ think love is weakness... I mean, you do everything to protect yourself."

  
It's like Clarke can hear all of the thoughts swimming in her head that she doesn't want to say.

  
She continues, "so you block your feelings for someone, or try to, that way you can't get hurt again. This is why this," Clarke motions between them with emphasis, "is a push and pull all the time. I'm not trying to fuck you over, Lexa, despite what you believe." Clarke runs a hand through her hair, "I genuinely, _don't know why_ , like you."

  
Lexa's going to say something but Clarke interrupts her, "no, actually, I know why but maybe you're not ready to hear that yet."

  
They sit in silence for quite some time. They don't have any more food and the bill's been paid but it just feels too heavy and weird to leave like this. Besides, Lexa actually was looking forward to spending the day with Clarke, and she possibly ruined that with this talk.

  
Clarke is the one to break the silence. "What happened between you and Nate?"

  
At that question, Lexa freezes. She knows that they have talked about Nate and her mother but she didn't mention their fight at all.

  
She doesn't have to say anything for Clarke to read the question on her face. "It's not that hard to figure out. I could explain how I came to the conclusion or you could stop pretending I'm stupid and just talk to me."

  
Lexa's shocked, Clarke really has been paying attention. "I don't think you're stupid..." she makes sure to let Clarke know. "We got into a pretty big fight at the funeral."

  
"Oh, shit," Clarke says soft. "Because of your mother?"

  
She could just talk to Clarke. She would be the first person outside of Anya that she confides in and Clarke has been nothing but supportive thus far. Slowly she has been breaking Lexa's pre-conceived notion that she was just another sorority girl even though she couldn't tell quite yet. She wants to tell her, she wants to try giving Clarke just a bit more but the thought of her mother makes her want to vomit. "I really don't want to talk about it, Clarke," she dismisses it and focuses back on her empty plate.

  
The flash of hurt on Clarke's face doesn't go unnoticed by Lexa but she chooses to ignore it this time. "Lexa," Clarke tries but Lexa isn't doing this here or now.

Her companion (or friend, or FWB?) stands, clearly upset. "Fine. If you really want to be like this... see ya later," and she leaves. This time, unlike the time at the coffeeshop, she doesn't turn around.

Lexa shakes her head at herself - she fucked it up again, very much a la post make out session at the party. She keeps doing this.

When she gets back to her apartment, Anya is chilling on the couch with a beer in hand and a pizza hanging from her mouth. She hurries to grab the pizza to say, "so?"

  
"I am an idiot," Lexa says while dropping on the couch. She reaches for Anya's beer but the girl dodges her.

  
"Get your own," Anya mutters. "Go on," she directs when she realizes Lexa's waiting.

  
Before she continues with her story she stands and walks to the kitchen where she does grab a beer and a slice of the black olives pizza Anya ordered. It's been about three hours since she's eaten but she's already hungry again. Something about buying new books makes her hungry.

  
Sitting back down on the couch she tells Anya, "I messed up, I shut down about Nate and my mother and ruined a perfectly good - "

  
"Date?" Anya supplies when no words come to her.

  
"Whatever," Lexa dismisses it, trying not to pay attention to the way her stomach froze at the mention of the word. She ponders about it and realizes that she would have liked it if they had been on a date. But alas, she likes making her own life that much more complicated. "I need to talk to Clarke again. I just - let _her_ make another decision for me."

She hates it that her mother still influences her so much. She has nothing else to lose by being with Clarke, and maybe she can't tell her everything that has happened but she can work on trusting Clarke if she wants their friendship to become anything more.

  
"Wait," Anya stops her from getting up with a hand to her wrist. "Are you going to tell her what happened with your mom?"

  
Lexa sighs and then, "probably not, but I don't want her to be mad at me."

  
"How deep in this are you?" Anya narrows her eyes at her. Lexa has no doubts that Anya knows they slept together the night before, she just wants her to say it.

  
"I told her I like her today."

  
"Woah, Lexie!"

  
Lexa warns her with a look, "shut up about it."

  
"Okay!" Anya raises her hands in mock-surrender and laughs.

  
"She was right," Lexa muses. "I haven't given her a real chance."

  
"What's a real chance look like? Thought you guys banged."

  
Lexa swipes her hand in front of her face as if to say it doesn't matter, "not the same." She's contemplating what exactly she needs to tell Clarke, really she needs to figure out what she wants from the other girl. It doesn't take long for her to get to a conclusion:

  
Her. She wants Clarke.

  
She texts her a "hey," and waits for a response but she knows Clarke is probably going to ignore it for a while. She was really irritated about what Lexa did.

  
She waits for a couple of hours before calling and Clarke picks up on the first ring.  
"So you were ignoring my texts," she says in lieu of a proper greeting.

  
Clarke says, "I was about to text you back when you called; I was watching a movie with Raven."

  
"Oh, okay," Lexa says. "Which movie did you watch?"

  
" _Sisters_." Clarke remains silent for a beat and then adds, "it was good."

  
"Yeah?"

  
"Yeah, it was hilarious. I was literally doubling over in laughter," Clarke says, a bit more excitement coming through in her tone.

  
Lexa laughs, "I'm glad you had fun." It was supposed to have been with her but she doesn't mention it since she ruined it.

  
Clarke asks, "do you want to go watch it sometime? I would definitely watch it again."

  
Immediately Lexa agrees because the movie sounds good but watching it with Clarke sounds even better. "Yes, I'd like that."

  
The coversation dies down and then Clarke sighs, "I'm wondering why you're calling, though."

  
It's her turn to sigh, "I know. I'm sorry, Clarke."

  
"It's very difficult for me to figure out which Lexa I'm hanging out with all the time..."

  
She feels like a total asshole, "I -"

  
"Don't apologize again," Clarke cuts her off.

  
"I feel like an asshole," she admits to Clarke. "But I'm not ready to talk to anyone about my mother."

  
"That's fine," Clarke reassures her. "Just stop acting like an asshole about it. Just stop pretending with me."

  
"I will."

  
"Okay," Clarke says and Lexa can almost hear the smile on her face. "Do you want to come over? I'm studying for a test I have tomorrow but if you're quiet, I'll let _this Lexa_ hang."

  
She considers the invitation but not for very long because she would be lying to both herself and Clarke if she said no. "I'll be there soon."

  
Clarke leaves the house's door unlocked and Lexa quickly makes her way up the stairs with her bookbag around her shoulder. She lightly knocks on Clarke's door before pushing in.

  
She's on the bed, facing away from the door, belly on the mattress and legs kicking in the air. Whatever she's listening to is very catchy because she's humming along and playing air drums with one hand. Lexa approaches, but the headphones are so bulky that they're probably also blocking Clarke's view. She had texted informing her that she arrived but she now sees Clarke's phone is face down next to her body.

  
Carefully Lexa taps on Clarke's shoulder, doing her best to not scare her but it doesn't work because the moment she's about to touch Clarke, she turns. Her eyes go wide and she screams, pulling off the headphones. "Geez, Lexa. Are you trying to kill me?"

  
Lexa chuckles because really? "You are the one facing the wall with the headphones! You knew I was on my way..."

  
"Whatever." She remains standing because she hasn't been invited to join her yet.

"What did you end up doing after I left?" Clarke asks pulling her by the hand to sit on the bed near her.

  
Making herself comfortable, Lexa responds, "I went to a book store. Got some new books."

  
"Anything interesting?"

  
She reaches inside of her bag and pulls out her copy of _A Million Little Pieces_. If she's going to start letting her in, she might as well start here. She hands it over to Clarke because she opens her palm asking for it.

  
"Hmm, never heard of it. What's it about?" Clarke asks. She turns over the book and reads the summary in the back then stares at the author's face. "Hm, auto-biographical..."

  
She shakes her head, "I would say more like a biographical fiction - a lot of it is made up but I still love it."

  
"So you've read it before," Clarke comments and hands it back.

  
Oh yes, many times. It really is one of the books she always went back to while in high school when things got really bad. She nods as response and opens the book to one of her favorite parts in the book. She can feel Clarke watch as her confident fingers flip through the pages. "This is my 7th copy of this book. I have to keep re-buying it."

Clarke hums to acknowledge she heard the comment but doesn't ask Lexa about it. Instead, "Will you read me something?" Clarke asks, voice seemingly quieter than but a few seconds ago. She moves closer to Lexa. Not a lot, but enough that she can simply lay her head on Lexa's shoulder.

She gulps - the beauty of this moment does not go unnoticed for her as she begins reading:

  
_"You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Your hair, your eyes, your lips, your body that you haven’t grown into, the way you walk, smile, laugh, the way your cheeks drop when you’re mad or upset, the way you drag your feet when you’re tired. Every single thing about you is beautiful. (...) When I see you the World stops. It stops and all that exists for me is you and my eyes staring at you. There’s nothing else. No noise, no other people, no thoughts or worries, no yesterday, no tomorrow. The World just stops, and it is a beautiful place, and there is only you. Just you and my eyes staring at you. (...) When you’re gone, the World starts again, and I don’t like as much. I can live in it, but I don’t like it. I just walk around in it and wait to see you again and wait for it to stop again. I love it when it stops. It’s the best fucking thing I’ve ever know or ever felt, the best thing, and that, beautiful Girl, is why I stare at you.”_

  
Clarke shudders when she has gone silent and Lexa closes the book and turns her head just enough to face Clarke.

  
"That's beautiful," Clarke says softly.

  
Lexa shrugs the shoulder Clarke is using as pillow and makes her chuckle, "the story is about recovery, and it isn't always so pretty."

  
When Lexa looks down, Clarke lifts her chin back up with a finger and says, "I would like to hear about your mother whenever you're ready, okay?"

  
She's figured it out, Lexa realizes. But she won't push, is what she's saying. So Lexa nods and smiles very briefly, not a real happy smile just a smile that indicates to Clarke that she's thankful.

  
"I would like to kiss you," she informs Clarke.

  
At this, Clarke just nods and waits. She stares at Clarke's eyes the entire time until the very last second when Clarke closes them to kiss her lips. They sigh together and then Clarke's hand is gripping the back of her neck. Lexa runs her knuckles down Clarke's cheek.

  
Her heartbeat feels out of rhythm and the longer they kiss, the more her chest feels like it's going to cave in on itself. She has never before been quite this affected by someone and so when Clarke pulls away and bats those blue eyes at her with the small grin in combination, Lexa knows she's staring. She can't help it because finally, for the first time in her life, the world just stops and she couldn't give a damn.

  
She's not stopping the love any longer.

She's all in it.


	12. Rich Girl

> _It's a bitch girl but it's gone too far  
>  'Cause you know it don't matter anyway_

\- Rich Girl, Hall & Oates

The party is pumping but Clarke can't wait until Lexa arrives. The only thing she can think about is how gorgeous Lexa looks post-sex (or just about any time). 

She's literally daydreaming about Lexa in her bed with the wild curly hair when Bellamy snaps his fingers in front of her face, "Earth to Clarke. You okay there? You look like - happy and stuff."

"Fuck off," she says and begins pouring her tequila again. She had stopped pouring when she began thinking of Lexa.

"Is she coming?"

"I invited her Wednesday but," she shrugs to finalize the sentence and takes the shot. "I miss her already, and it's only been like three days."

He laughs and runs a hand through his long hair. Clarke thinks it's about time she convinces him to cut it, he always looks so much more handsome with shorter hair. "I'm sure she's coming," he assures Clarke with a grin.

They go find the girls, Raven and Octavia, and Lincoln, and find them with Monty and Jasper and Miller at the beer pong table in the backyard.

"Clarke!" Raven exclaims, the birthday girl slightly drunk already. "Come be my partner!" She pushes her current partner, Lincoln, away. He scowls at her and goes back to his spot. 

She declines, unwilling to miss the time when Lexa gets there. She approaches the table anyway and talks to Lincoln. "Hear from Lexa?"

"Yeah," he tells her. "She's unsure is she's making it but she said she'll try." At the obvious reaction on Clarke's face he comments, "sorry. I'm sure she wants to see you."

She dismisses it, goes back inside and up to her room. She really wants to be enjoying the party but she can't let go of the idea that it would be that much more fun if Lexa were there. She feels silly, as always when it comes to Lexa.

Why didn't Lexa tell her that she wasn't sure she would make it? Why text Lincoln and not her? 

She has the messaging app open, ready to text Lexa when she gets a message from her.

*Lexa: where are you?

The question makes her shoot up in bed. She responds as quickly as she can.

*Clarke: bedroom. Are you here?

*Lexa: wait there.

She doesn't have to be told twice. She tries to be patient as she's sure Lexa would appreciate but she's never been a patient girl. She doesn't leave the room though, because there are people everywhere, but she opens the door and looks for Lexa in the hallway.

She spots her immediately, struggling to make it to the top of the stairs. People are all over. Lexa looks annoyed. Clarke smiles anyway, and Lexa's face morphs when she catches sight of Clarke. It makes Clarke's heart skip a beat.

"Hey," Lexa greets her as she comes closer. She's removing her black leather jacket because the house is warm, and Clarke's eyes dip to Lexa's exposed collarbone in this shirt. 

Wow, Clarke takes her in. This girl is a stud. She's in a grey wide neck sweatshirt, with the sleeves now being pulled up to her elbows, and the tightest jeans she's ever seen. "Hi, yourself. Glad you made it," she tells her, pulling her into the room and closing the door.

Lexa says, "I'm sorry I wasn't here earlier. Anya wanted to go to dinner. I brought her along."

"That's okay," Clarke assures her. "Where did you guys go?" 

She's about to turn around to sit at her bed when Lexa stops her. She looks at Clarke and shares the tiniest of smiles before closing the gap and kissing her. Clarke's eyebrows shoot up but then she melts into the kiss.

"Hi," Clarke whispers. 

Lexa responds, "hi, yourself," and then smirks. 

"Ugh," Clarke groans and slaps her on the shoulder. Lexa is well aware of the reaction she can elicit out of Clarke, and she so takes advantage of it. "Fuck you," she comments in passing.

Lexa laughs and says, "Maybe later, if you want."

Clarke chuckles and nods, "thanks for coming, Lexa." 

"No worries. Can I get you anything to drink? Do you want to... Stay here or... Please don't kill me for asking this, wanna go downstairs?"

Okay, so maybe Lexa has a reason to worry about that question. Last time she asked Clarke wasn't too forthcoming but this time Clarke laughs, kisses her again and then, "we can come back up later. It _is_ Raven's birthday and she'll be pissed if I'm gone much longer."

She drapes Lexa's jacket over her chair and they leave together. Lexa takes her hand with such assertion she's sure she's going to faint. They walk down the stairs, Lexa leading the way, looking for Clarke's friends. 

Finally when they make it out to the backyard, Raven's on Lincoln's shoulders celebrating their win. 

"Hey! It's Clarke again!" Raven yells. "Clarke! Look at me! I'm tall! And a winner! And 21!"

People cheer with Raven as she downs the beer Octavia hands her. 

"I see it, Raven. Good job." She looks at Lexa and tells her, "we actually may be good to go back upstairs sooner than I thought."

Lexa laughs and then tells Clarke she wants to go find Anya and then say hi to the guys. Clarke lets her hand go. Octavia approaches Clarke as Lexa heads towards the pool.

"So, you guys a thing yet?"

"We're definitely _not_ not a thing," she says. "She didn't inform me whether she would be here tonight but the look on her face when she saw me - it was priceless. Then she kissed me in greeting and held my hand down here."

"So what's the issue now?"

"Why didn't she text me to let me know she wasn't sure she was coming? She texted Lincoln instead."

Octavia barks a laugh so Clarke glares at her. "She didn't text Lincoln; he texted her. I was there."

"Ah." Well, she hadn't texted Lexa since Wednesday either so it's not like this is a one-sided thing. "Oops."

"Yeah, she's clearly into you," Octavia waves her fingers past Clarke's shoulders then and when she turns, Lexa's looking. They both say bye to whoever they're talking to and meet halfway. 

Lexa speaks first, "you're beautiful," she cups Clarke's face in her hands and takes a moment to check her out. Clarke did wear this blouse thinking about Lexa, because it shows a good amount of cleavage and she knows Lexa loves her boobs. 

"Thank you, Lexa. You look -" she shakes her head. "Hot."

Lexa smirks and nods before taking Clarke's hand again.

The music in the backyard is loud but not as loud as inside, so Clarke finds the group a spot to chill and watch as other people are stupid. 

Lexa's leaning against the table and Clarke's leaning against her, her arm thrown over Clarke's chest loosely around her throat in the most possessive way Clarke's ever seen. When Lexa speaks to the group, she has to move from behind Clarke's unruly curly hair, but when she speaks to Clarke she simply whispers it in her ear driving goosebumps all over her body. 

If this isn't them moving toward a more serious arrangement, then she's not sure what Lexa wants from her. But, for now she will choose to take whatever it is Lexa's offering her. 

She can't help it but be very into this very open Lexa. 

Lexa introduces Anya to the group then and it's hilarious to watch as a very drunken Raven stumbled for words when she realizes how hot Anya is.

Clarke and Octavia are taking snapchats of the whole encounter to show it to Raven when she's sober.

Lexa is engaged in a conversation about the military with Bellamy when Lincoln joins. The two guys share a look and Lexa smiles at their silent agreement not to kill each other yet for Octavia.

On her way back from the bathroom, Clarke's startled. She sees Finn chatting with Lexa. Bellamy is next to Lexa with his arms crossed, puffing out his chest to be intimidating. Lexa doesn't look worried - she looks mostly irritated. Her eyes are unimpressed with whatever Finn's saying, she hasn't moved an inch from when Clarke left her. 

Octavia asks, walking up to join her, "what's going on there?"

"No idea," Clarke narrows her eyes. They approach the trio, Clarke immediately seeking Lexa's hand for reassurance. "Hi, Finn. What's up?"

"Hey, Clarke," he throws her a fake smile, eyes glancing to their joined hands. "I was just introducing myself to your friend here."

"Girlfriend," Lexa mutters behind Clarke. It's loud enough that the others hear but soft enough that Clarke can tell she wasn't sure if that was the right thing to say. 

Clarke stands up straight and reiterates, "girlfriend. You're more than welcome to stay, Finn, but please - don't bother us."

Finn scoffs as he walks away. Bellamy and Octavia share a look so Octavia goes after him. He's not known for making good choices when upset, and once in a lifetime, they had all been close friends. 

Clarke turns around and wraps her arms around Lexa's neck. She still looks mildly irritated, and is watching the way Finn left. "Hey," Clarke grabs her attention. "Do you want to ditch?"

"Yes, please," Lexa states with finality. Clarke nods and takes her upstairs.

Back in the room, Clarke stands by the door waiting for Lexa to say something.

"That's your ex?"

"Yup," Clarke confirms. She approaches Lexa, who's sitting on her bed. "What did he say?"

"At that point he had only said his name's Finn and that he used to date you." Clarke's worried that this is the moment Lexa will pull away, as she does, so she sits on her knee and grabs her face. 

"What did you say?" She asks, checking out Lexa's face. Lexa's green eyes are burning into her own with jealousy written all over.

Lexa smirks, and all the worry Clarke had been harboring disappears. She places her hands over Clarke's - they're warm - and whispers, "you heard me."

"Did you mean it?" Clarke's eyes close at the proximity to Lexa and the intimacy of their moment. She wants nothing more than to make out with Lexa and adore her body, but she needs to know first.

Lexa chuckles and hides her face in Clarke's cleavage. It makes Clarke laugh because her breath as she speaks tickles, "of course. Have you seen your good earth cleavage?"

"My what?" Clarke runs her hands through Lexa's hair pulling her away, not because she doesn't enjoy the feeling, but to look at her in the eyes. She catches Lexa's cheeks reddening and surges forward to kiss her. They fall on the bed behind them and Clarke pushes Lexa's hands up above their heads. "You're only dating me because of my boobs?"

"Among other reasons, Clarke, promise," Lexa attempts to kiss her but Clarke dodges. They play around like that for a while until Lexa is finally able to kiss Clarke and rolls them over so she's on top. "Like, you have beautiful eyes and your lips are so soft. I don't hate them." She smiles and leans down to kiss Clarke again, who's overwhelmed by emotions because Lexa called her her girlfriend to her ex-boyfriend in front of all of her friends. Only a week ago, she was worried where they stood. Actually, hours ago she was still unsure.

Lexa reaches for Clarke's top and drags it over her head. "Anything else?" Clarke asks, because she likes the game as foreplay.

"You're smart, and like, kinda pretty," Lexa says. 

Clarke smacks her on the shoulder and immediately pulls her closer. Lexa lets her weight drop on top of Clarke and then takes advantage of the opportunity to kiss Clarke's neck that's exposed. Clarke moans at the feel and hugs her tighter. Lexa adjusts her position to fit her thigh between Clarke's legs. "Kinda?"

"You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen." Lexa tells her. "And bossy."

"Oh," Clarke gasps at the confession and feel of Lexa's lips on her. "Is that a turn on for you?"

Lexa doesn't say anything else. She drags her hand down Clarke's body, eliciting all kinds of noises out of Clarke, who is beating herself for being so vulnerable to Lexa's touch (but not really). She is so wet, and Lexa's hands and lips are only making her more wet. She's so distracted by Lexa's daring hand that she's caught by surprise when Lexa's lips find hers again. Unable to stop herself she admits, "I'm kinda crazy about you."

Her mouth opens in greed and Lexa uses the moment to taste Clarke's tongue. "I figured that around the time you were waiting for me in my room, _and_ you had cleaned." She arches her back off the bed, Lexa's hand slipping under her pants. Her slender fingers run over Clarke's underwear. Clarke arches more, if possible, and pulls Lexa closer, if possible. Lexa's breathy laugh in her mouth is sexy and Clarke can't help but moan again. "Seems like you're pretty turned on by my claiming you."

"Shit." Clarke lets escape with the next moan. She's not super patient, so she grabs Lexa's wrist and moves her hand beneath the thin cloth of her underwear. "Do something."

"See?" Lexa says, following the order with a smirk. "Bossy."

* * *

When she wakes up the next day, she's facing Lexa's naked back. She does as last time and reaches to touch her skin because she's always warm. It sends shivers through her body when she thinks about the fact that Lexa's naked on _her_ bed. 

As hesitant as she was last time to touch Lexa, this time she isn't. She's her girlfriend now so Clarke scoots closer to Lexa and drops a kiss to the center of her back. She squirms under her and groans but quiets down after a minute. "Wake up, Lex."

"No," she mutters. "It's early."

"It's actually not, and I'm hungry."

"You're always hungry," she remarks and giggles. 

Clarke shrugs, pressing her breasts to Lexa's back now. "You got a problem with a girl with an appetite?" She didn't mean for it to sound so sexual but when Lexa turns around with the dark eyes, she realizes her mistake.

"Not at all." Lexa pulls her by the hand, making Clarke settle on top of her stomach. Their fingers intertwine on the pillow next to Lexa's head. "Good morning."

Clarke leaves a quick peck on Lexa's lips and responds, "good  _afternoon_. It is 2 pm."

Lexa sits up, startled, and making Clarke lose her balance. She latches on to her girlfriend and laughs at Lexa's worried face, "two in the afternoon? Clarke! I have to be at work at four."

"Then maybe you should have listened to me when I said we should go to bed last night." After they had sex, Clarke had decided to shower while the party was still going on. She came back to the room to find Lexa reading a book that she keeps on her nightstand,  _The Book Thief_. She had read it before, Lexa had told Clarke another time, but Clarke was happy to know they shared the love of this book. Lexa then went on to shower herself, came back wrapped in one of Clarke's towels and then they both got in bed, naked and fresh. Clarke wrapped herself in Lexa's arms, and she picked up the book again to finish reading the chapter she had been on. Clarke was talking about the party before Lexa got there and playing with Lexa's curls. Eventually, she got distracted by Clarke.

"I was busy," Lexa dismisses it quickly. She's already distracted by Clarke's body again, running her hands down Clarke's arms and kissing her collarbone. 

"As you are now," Clarke comments. "We should really get up to grab food before you have to go to the library," she says with no intentions of moving. She enjoys the fact that Lexa is touchy with her, that she can't seem to help herself, that she  _has_ to have her hands on Clarke all the time. As for herself, she's now caressing Lexa's face with her thumb, tracing the outline of her jaw and of her lips. "I'm hungry," she repeats mostly to be annoying. Instead of getting up, she surges forward to kiss Lexa.

They hang out in bed for another ten minutes or so, lazily making out and touching each other. She realizes that she could probably spend the entire day with Lexa in bed and not feel guilty about it. 

When they get up for food, Clarke has to lend Lexa some of her clothes this time. She is going through her drawer when she sees the green t-shirt that she borrowed when she slept over Lexa's. She looks back at her girlfriend sitting up in bed looking at something on her phone and decides against giving it back - it's just too comfy and smells like her. There's an older school sweatshirt of hers that would fit Lexa perfectly, so she tosses that and sweats at Lexa before looking for something for her to wear. 

While they're walking to the subway shop by Lexa's job, she asks, "don't you start the internship tomorrow?"

Shit, the internship. Her blood raises just thinking about that and she really doesn't want to have a bad mood through this day.

"Can we not?" She asks, pleading with her eyes.

Lexa shrugs, knowing what it's like not wanting to talk about something and respecting Clarke's wishes. "I won't bring it up again."

"Thank you," Clarke smiles brightly up at Lexa. Lexa smiles back. Clarke has yet to see someone with a more beautiful smile; she can't fathom how she will survive this. "Now, I need food, stat."

Lexa laughs as she holds the door open, and Clarke slips by with a mental note to add this to the list of qualities Lexa has: a total gentlewoman. 

They order and Lexa pays because Clarke forgot to bring her wallet, but she's almost certain Lexa was going to offer anyway. They eat quickly so that Lexa can make it to work on time.

Clarke doesn't have anything to do for the day so she calls Bellamy and they go workout together at the school gym. They shoud go back to rock climbing but Bellamy ended up hooking up with the manager there and now he's avoiding the place. They will go back sooner or later but she's not going to force him.

"How's Dr. Griff?" He asks as they're walking back to Clarke's. "She still on your ass?"

"Yeah," Clarke tells him. "I don't think she understands how much I don't want to go tomorrow."

"You need to tell her, Clarke," he says and adjusts his bag strap higher up on his shoulder. 

Clarke sighs out loud, "I have, but you know how she is." 

"Art won't amount to anything," he quotes her mother and Clarke's heart bottoms out because she hates that her mother thinks so. She loves her mother more than she loves art, but it's a very close second and it makes her miserable having to choose loyalty to her family versus her passion. "Have you spoken to Jake?"

"He's too busy," she dismisses. "Don't have time to talk."

"Fuck. Sorry, Clarke." 

"It's no big deal," she lies. Bellamy knows her well though so he gives her a look. His face transforms and then he wiggles his eyebrows, "so girlfriend, huh!"

She doesn't miss a beat, "and to think you tried to hit on her..." She cringes at the thought, "gross."

He flicks her off but says, "I'm happy for you." Bellamy smiles, but it's not a true smile; it's almost sad. "How long do you think you can go without introducing them?"

"I'm hoping a very long time."

* * *

The next day she spends forty-five minutes debating whether or not to go in her father's office. She stands outside in the sun, contemplating if she really wants to put herself through this or if she would rather deal with the aftermath.

She goes in because she's broke this week but hates herself the entire way up. The elevator is crowded and it smells like body spray. 

The receptionist recognizes her the moment she steps through the glass door and he stands quickly to greet her. "Ms. Griffin, this way please. Your father is expecting you!"

"You can call me Clarke, Wells." She smiles politely at him. He's known her for a while now. He's their most recently hired receptionist, but he always insists in calling her Miss. Clarke is under the impression that he has a crush on her.

"He's right through here, _Clarke_ " Wells says with a smile and pushes the door to a conference room. She can hear her father speaking on the phone on the other side. Clarke thanks Wells and walks into the room.

"...yeah," Her father waves her in and turns away, "she just walked in, Abby. She'll be fine." He hangs up and rolls his eyes good heartedly, attempting to break Clarke's impending anxiety. "Hey, kiddo. You excited?"

He knows it was the wrong thing to ask because he immediately winces so he tries to fix it, "come on. I'll show you to your desk - you'll have your own laptop."

They never talk because as CEO of the company he is hardly ever home but at least he tries. She follows him down the hallway in silence. He keeps talking, "your mother is very nervous about this internship. I assured her you'll do great; you've never disappointed." 

They stop in front of a couple of empty desks and fresh faces look up at them from the row behind. "Hey," some guy rocking a man-bun and a full beard greets her. She smiles back but doesn't say anything. 

"Be good," her father says and walks off. Well, for a father-daughter interaction when they don't usually talk, that wasn't too bad. They don't hug, or kiss, or even remotely resemble family if not for the fact she looks like a carbon copy of him.

On the desk there's a checklist of things that are expected of her and a planner open to today's date. She throws away the checklist and picks up a pen from the holder, uncaps it, and begins flipping through the pages of the planner marking important dates. She said she would be here not that she would get any work done.

The guy who had said hey when she first walked up stands and sits next to her. "Clarke Griffin, right?" He extends his hand at her, "Roan. It's nice to meet you."

"You too," she says and forces yet another smile.

"You sound very excited," he comments and chuckles, pulling the planner toward him to see what she's writing.

Clarke does realize she's not being very welcoming but he seems nice enough so she apologizes, "I'm sorry," she says. "Not your fault I'm in a shitty mood."

"It's totally cool," he leans back on the chair and fixes his blue skinny tie. "I'm sure it's different when you're here because it's what is expected of you instead of because you want to."

"And you have no idea how much I really don't want to."


	13. Daughters

> Fathers be good to your daughters 
> 
> Daughters will love like you do
> 
> Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
> 
> So mothers be good to your daughters too

_-Daughters, John Mayer_

“Where are we going?” Lexa asks Clarke who’s been giggling since she tied the shirt over her eyes. It’s not that Lexa doesn’t trust Clarke, it’s just that she’s not a fan of surprises.

Clarke laughs at the question and grabs Lexa’s hand with her free hand, “you’ll see when we get there.”

“Thanks, Captain Obvious,” Lexa responds.

Clarke says, “careful there, I can turn around and you’ll never find out.”

Lexa squeezes Clarke’s hand in hers and says, “don’t you dare.”

It’s been some time since they’ve spent time together. The last time they hung out had been on Sunday, the day after Raven’s 21st. Sure they still sit near each other in class and constantly text each other. Clarke calls Lexa everyday before bed, and Lexa calls Clarke everyday before she goes into work or before Clarke’s at the internship, but it’s not the same as seeing each other and being able to enjoy her girlfriend. So despite the fact that Clarke prepared a surprise, she is happy that they’re doing this.

“We’re here!” Clarke announces. “Stay.” she tells Lexa and gets out of the car she borrowed from Bellamy.

“It’s not like I can go anywhere with a blindfold,” Lexa mutters to herself as Clarke’s making her way around the car. Clarke opens the door and reaches for Lexa’s hand again. “Okay, come out.”

“I already have,” Lexa jokes.

Clarke giggles and says something about Lexa being a dork. “Okay, stop there.” Lexa stills. She’s nervous - surprises unsettle her. Obviously she knows it won’t be anything bad, and by the way that Clarke’s been giddy all evening, she can be sure it’ll be something she likes. She relaxes and waits. “Okay -” Clarke says once again, “taking out the blindfold in 3… 2… 1…”

The darkness makes way for light. It’s too bright while her eyes adjust. She looks around and sees the crowd around them and looks up. There’s a marquee above their heads: Queen Extravaganza -- Tonight Only -- Sold Out.

“Are you serious?” Lexa asks looking at Clarke with wide eyes in excitement.

“Yeah…” now it seems like Clarke’s the one nervous. “What do you think?”

“I - love it.” Lexa admits. She shakes her head and then pulls Clarke into her, “this is amazing. Thank you,” she says sincerely. It makes her miss Nate - he would love this. There was a brief conversation over text on Thursday but they kept it short. It’s been hard for both of them getting over the mess that her mother left behind.

“Good,” Clarke bites her lip. “I’m glad.”

Lexa dips her head and kisses Clarke with tenderness. “I mean it.”

When they pull away Clarke’s cheeks are slightly red. “We going in or what?” She smiles, attempting to hide how flustered Lexa made her. She fixes the collar of the biker jacket she made sure Lexa wore and kisses her once again before dragging her inside.

“How’d you know?” Lexa asks while they’re waiting in line at the bar to order drinks.

“Know what, Lex?” Clarke asks back, distracted by the options.

Lexa’s already decided - she knows she wants a beer. Clarke will probably order something with vodka. She responds, “that I’d like to come to something like this?”

They take a step forward as the line moves. Clarke nods to herself when she makes her decision and then turns around to face Lexa directly. “You told me you like rock once.”

Lexa doesn’t say anything as she tries to think back to when this conversation took place. Ah, the fateful night. She wasn’t feeling chatty then but Clarke wanted to get to know her. “I didn’t say anything else,” she remarks with a playful tone.

It’s their turn to order and Clarke ends up ordering a Cherry Vodka Sour while Lexa grabs a Guinness. Clarke pays because “it’s my date! And anyway, you don’t need to be a genius to realize how much you love Queen - I swear that, like, 50% of your playlist is Queen.”

“Have you been going through my things?” Lexa teases as they find a good spot to hang out. They’re a bit early but with general admission, you want to make sure to get there early enough to secure a good spot on the floor.

Clarke leans into Lexa while they talk. “Please - I let you pick the music for our study session once and I knew within 30 minutes. It was Don’t Stop Me Now, followed by Under Pressure -”

“Technically that’s Bowie but go on…”

“Bowie featuring Queen - then Somebody to Love, Bohemian Rhapsody, Fat Bottomed Girls…”

“You love them too,” Lexa accuses.

Clarke shrugs, “I love them alright. I like them a lot more now after I met you.”

“What!” Lexa exclaims and pushes Clarke away from her (carefully, not to spill her drink all over her). “Blasphemy, Clarke! Also, why are you here? Could’ve given me the tickets and I would have brought Anya or Lincoln along.”

“Rude,” Clarke rolls her eyes. She goes right back to leaning against her girl, “because I like you.”

Lexa drinks a gulp of her beer and chuckles in Clarke’s ear, “you’ve said so. Multiple times.”

“I’ll keep saying it. I like you.” She turns in Lexa’s arms, snakes an arm behind her neck and leans forward for a kiss. They can totally make out before the show starts, Lexa’s not beneath that. Also, Clarke is totally getting some later when they get back to her place.

“...OH, WON’T YOU TAKE ME HOME TONIGHT? OH, DOWN BESIDE YOUR RED FIRE LIGHT!” She’s singing along to the music at the top of her lungs, Clarke is right next to her singing along, jumping to the music. “OH AND YOU GIVE IT ALL YOU GOT - FAT BOTTOMED GIRLS YOU MAKE THE ROCKIN’ WORLD GO ROUND!”  
The place is packed. Bodies are on every side of her, she feels like one with the whole audience as they sing in unison with the band. That’s the best thing about music - you’re all singing the same lyrics but to each person it means a different thing. Although she’s not sure that there can be a different meaning to Fat Bottomed Girls.

She’s having the time of her life and with the hottest girl in the world, too. This night couldn’t get any better. She faces Clarke and pulls her even closer. “Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin’ world go round!” she sings into Clarke’s ear. With one hand she’s holding onto a third bottle of beer, the other arm is now wrapping around Clarke’s body. She dips her hand into the shirt. They can’t jump anymore but they sway and Lexa’s desperate to feel more of Clarke right now.

Clarke throws her head back on Lexa’s shoulder and closes her eyes to enjoy the feel of Lexa behind her and all around her - the alcohol is definitely making way through their veins; Lexa can almost taste the haze Clarke’s in - she’s there too. Clarke is not an idiot. She drags her ass down Lexa’s front and then up, grinding like her life depends on it. Clarke’s definitely getting some later.

They’re walking out of the venue still high on the show when Lexa feels it. Her phone’s ringing. She pulls it out of her back pocket and sees that she’s missed 5 calls from Anya.

“What the fuck,” she whispers to herself. She’s drunk but not enough to not realize that when Anya calls you this many times, she needs something. Especially when she’s aware Lexa’s out on a date with Clarke.

“Everything okay?” Clarke asks, smile suddenly gone from her face.

“Anya’s called - I just need to call back real quick.”

“Sure,” Clarke tells her. “No voicemails?”

“She’s not a voicemail kinda gal.”

Anya picks up on the second ring. “About time. You have a guest.”

“Last time you called to tell me I had a guest, I came home to find Clarke in my room.” Clarke smiles at that, and Lexa rolls her eyes at how smug Clarke can look.

Anya sighs on the other end, “it’s uncle Nate, Lexa. He’s here. He’s showering right now. Hurry home, okay?”

Oh. Lexa’s stomach drops. She’s never felt such an unwelcome feeling before when it came to her father. “Okay. Thanks, Anya. See you soon.”

“So?” Clarke asks right after she hangs up. Bellamy is walking up to them right as she’s asking, so Lexa just tells her that they’ll talk later. Clarke had called Bellamy to come pick them up as they had consumed more alcohol than they had anticipated. He took an uber so he could drive his car back.

He hugs Lexa then Clarke and follows the girls as they try to remember where they parked. “Did you guys have fun?”

“Yeah!” Lexa says enthusiastically, trying to push away the dread of seeing her father. This also means that Clarke can’t spend the night. She doesn’t want her around when they have this conversation. This is something she really doesn’t need to be privy to. “Best surprise ever,” she gives Clarke a smooch to convey the point.

Damn it.

Clarke doesn’t say anything, just smiles along but Lexa can tell that she knows something’s up for sure. “Bell, do you mind dropping me off at the house?”

“I thought you were going back to Lexa’s?” He asks but doesn’t seem concerned.

Lexa looks away when Clarke tries to make eye contact, asking her to say otherwise, and Lexa feels like an asshole because they did just have an amazing time and she’s ruining it by being distant again. “Change of plans,” Clarke says in the same casual tone of voice. Lexa’s pissed at herself. That was too quick a turnaround and she can’t keep messing up with Clarke like this. She had told her she wouldn’t run anymore.

Clarke’s in the front seat, telling Bellamy all about the show and the lights and her favorite songs from the set. Lexa’s nodding along and laughing at the right moments when Bellamy makes a comment or a joke. They take much longer to get to Clarke’s than she thought because of the traffic right outside of the venue.

“Thanks, Bell,” Clarke kisses him on the cheek as he’s stopping in front of her place. Lexa exits the car to walk her to the door. “Love you.”

“Anything for you, sis.” He gives her that half-smile of his.

As soon as Clarke’s shut the car door Lexa’s trying to explain. “I’m sorry, Clarke. My dad’s in town.”

“It’s okay, Lexa, I get it,” she says as they walk up the walkway. “We all have shit.”

“We were having such a good night - I’m sorry for ruining it. I wanted you to come back to the apartment with me.” She grabs Clarke’s hand who pulls away too fast. “Clarke -”

She fakes a smile and shakes her head, willing Lexa to believe that she’s fine, but Lexa knows she’s upset. “I’m sorry too, Lexa.”

Lexa licks her lips, worries in front of Clarke. They’re standing at the door, Clarke struggling not to tip over, keys in her hand. “Are you mad at me?”

“We can talk tomorrow, okay? You need to go speak to him. You’ve missed him,” she says softer now. “We’ll talk tomorrow. I’ll call you. We can go out for breakfast.”

“Okay,” Lexa nods. “It is pretty late and I need to go see him.”

“Yes, you do,” Clarke reassures her by pressing a long peck on her cheek. “I still like you.”

Thank god, Lexa thinks. “Thank you for tonight, Clarke. I had a great time.”

“Go -” Clarke pushes her. Then pulls her back in by the hand, “one last kiss for good luck.” Lexa complies and grabs Clarke’s head. She kisses Clarke with the intention to let her know she didn’t mean to ruin anything, and that she wishes she were better, and that she really likes her back. A lot. Clarke takes a while to open her eyes and when she does she licks her lips. “Ok, go for real now.”

“Bye,” Lexa says and runs back to the car. Bellamy’s waiting patiently, playing a game on his phone. She thanks him for waiting and he assures her it’s no problem. “No plans tonight?” she asks him.

He’s been binge-watching a new show on Netflix and decided that he would rather do that tonight if it meant that his favorite people were all out on dates. Octavia was also out with Lincoln. Raven was out with a boy she met in a lab. Bellamy didn’t have a ton of real friends.

They talk about other things like their project. Bellamy spoke to their professor about them getting extra credit for turning it in so early. He said that after looking at it he would decide if it was quality work; otherwise he would allow them to turn it in again closer to the actual due date. “Can you believe that fucker? Of course it’s quality work!”

Bellamy idles in front of Lexa’s place. “Thanks again,” Lexa tells him. She recognizes Nate’s car parked in front of Bellamy’s. “See you around.”

Might as well get this over with. She’s never gone this long without talking to her father and she hates that she let her pride get her this far, but she also hates that he let his pride get them this far. The reunion is behind this door. It’s not like it’s a stranger, get it together, Lexa: it’s your father and best friend.

She opens the door and Anya’s already there to greet her. “He’s in your room. Please don’t get into another argument. Just talk to each other already!”

Lexa walks to her room. She checks her phone when it vibrates. It’s a text from Clarke.

*Clarke: are you home?

*Lexa: yes. About to see him.

*Clarke: good luck. Xo

*Lexa: thanks. Sleep well

She knocks on her door and pockets her phone. Then she opens the door slowly, “dad?”

He’s arranging something in his suitcase. The moment he looks up at her there are tears in her eyes. “Lexa!” He rushes to her and gives her a bone-crushing hug. “I missed you so much. I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner-”

“Dad, please,” she tries to get out from his grip. “Let go, you’re crushing me.”

Nate laughs, “oh, sorry. I just -”

“I missed you too,” she confesses. She’s playing with the hem of her t-shirt because it gives her something to do. “I have been stubborn.”

“You’re a Woods. It’s in our blood.”

“So are you. God, dad, you’re the dad - you have to be the better person.” She says before she can help it. She’s been holding it in for quite some time now and it feels good to let it out.

She almost regrets saying it by the instant look of hurt he gets on his face but he quickly agrees, “I know. And I’m sorry, I really am. I’m sorry about the funeral and about disappearing.” He gives her another hug, but not as tight as the last. This one is less dramatic but just as effective.

“The funeral was my fault,” she reminds him. He makes a hand motion that says ‘forget it,’ but she doesn't let go, “I said some shitty things. I shouldn't have been drinking before.”

He sits on her bed, “To be honest, I was expecting something but I had been drinking too and I let it get out of hand.”

“It’s in our blood too,” she says bitterly, “we drink to forget but we turn into assholes instead.” He laughs but it's not funny. They both look down and away when the laughter dies down. “You were right, you know?” Lexa sits next to him.

“Yeah? About what?”

“I do miss her. I wish I had done more.”

He sighs, helpless. They both know it's too late. “The only thing you can do now is forgive her and yourself.”

“I should have listened to you. When I got home that weekend all I could think about was how much you'd tried to warn me.”

“She loved you,” he tells her and grabs her hand to comfort her.

Lexa doesn't want to remain bitter about her mother but she can't help but share the thought that's been the loudest since then, “but she didn't love me enough not to kill herself.”

“Lex, no. She was sick,” he says. And Lexa knows that he's only trying to make her feel better but suddenly she’s angry all over again.

“You're still defending her and she's dead,” she chuckles in disgust.

Nate is surprised. “We aren't doing this again, Lexa,” he says with a stern warning. The look in his eyes tell her it's enough. She considers it and nods, conceding the fight. She’s tired. “I love you more than anything else in this world, you know that?”

She sobs into his arms. He cradles her and whispers reassurances over and over. She's not yet been able to come to terms with the fact that the last time she talked to her mother was years ago and her last words had been something awful. She can't remember for sure but they didn't part on good terms. If her mother wasn't the best to her when she was alive, Lexa can't say she was the best daughter either.

When she feels spent, like all of her tears have run out, Lexa stands and wipes her face on a towel. “I want you to meet my girlfriend.”

“Girlfriend!” Nate exclaims. He is also teary eyed but he looks pleased at the news. “You finally grew some balls?”

“Your dream come true.”

“When?”

“How long are you staying?”

“I have to be back at work by midnight tomorrow, so probably around noon to give me time to nap.”

She stands, “let me go call her real quick.”

“You guys were out pretty late and also drinking?”

“Dad, I'm old enough to drink,” she tells him as the phone rings.

He lifts his hands in mock surrender, “I know, I wasn't grilling you about that. I'm just saying maybe she’s asleep.”

The line picks up right when Lexa realizes how late it is. “Hey,” Clarke mumbles on the other end. Lexa excuses herself and goes out to the kitchen. Anya’s long since retreated to her room.

“Shit, Clarke, I didn't realize how late it is. I'm s-”

“Don't apologize. What's going on, you okay? How did the talk with Nate go?”

She's relieved with how it went. She's happy that he came. “Well. I was calling to check with you if it was alright for him to join us at breakfast.”

There's a long pause on the other end of the line. Lexa’s trying not to read into it. “Clarke?”

“Shit! Yes! Of course. I was talking to myself, I accidentally pressed the mute button.”

Lexa laughs. “Go back to sleep. I’ll see you in the morning, how’s 9?”

“Will you be up by 9? Last time you only got up because I practically forced you.”

“Good night, Clarke.”

“Night.”

When she is back to the room, her father is in pajamas and getting ready to go sleep out on the couch. “You should take my bed. I’ll cozy up with Anya.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, let me just grab a change of clothes and I’ll be out.”

“Hey, Lexa.” Nate sounds resigned but not in a sad way - more like he has finally given up fighting whatever demons kept him from coming here.

She stops at the doorway. “Yeah?” She had never in her life imagined how her increasingly fragile relationship with her father had turned them into immediate strangers the moment the shit hit the fan. They were the best thing in her life and suddenly - she had never felt so strange before.

“Thank you for forgiving me. You’re my best friend.”

She’s caught by surprise, and looks to the floor but smiles. When she looks back up to make eye contact she assures him, “you're mine too.”

Maybe they're broken but surely they aren't strangers after all.

She makes her way to Anya’s room with the vestiges of a smile playing at the corners of her mouth. She’s impressed with how the night turned out and wants to tell Clarke all about it. It is late and she’s already woken her up earlier with the phone call, a text would be pointless. She can just fill her in the next morning when Clarke and Nate meet.

Oh, god. I mean, it's exciting, and all! But Clarke is a handful and her father is too.

Anya mutters, “stop thinking so loud and go to sleep, please?” And it's not as rude as it should be because she is tossing and turning and ruining Anya’s sleep experience. It makes her feel warm and hopeful, and when she scoots closer to Anya, she falls asleep all at once.

She wakes up because her ear is wet. She thinks it may have been her dog, but realizes she doesn't have a dog. When she opens her eyes she’s met with Anya’s smirk. “What the - dude! Ew!” She rubs her ear with the blanket and gets up in a hurry.

“Nate asked me to wake you. You’re late for breakfast.” Anya laughs, picking up her bag from the floor. “I gotta go meet Raven, but let me know how it goes.” Lexa nods, still grossed out and half asleep. “Also, your girlfriend has been calling. Bye!”

Her phone screen says ‘9:15’ and she cusses internally because Clarke will never let this go. She hits the speed dial and waits, grabbing whatever she can from Anya’s room to dress herself; whatever, some of her clothes fit her.

At first Clarke doesn't pick up but Lexa doesn't want to leave a voicemail. She washes her face and brushes her teeth all while staring at her phone with the corner of her eye, hoping Clarke calls back. She does, about ten minutes later.

In lieu of a proper hello, Clarke starts with a, “I knew it.”

“Shit, Clarke -”

“Come get the door.” What? She thinks.

She voices her question, “What?”

“The door, baby!” Clarke sounds frustrated. “And hurry - it’s heavy.”

Lexa runs to the door, shouting a “good morning!” at Nate when they bump right outside the bathroom door. She opens it wide and on the other side is a very beautiful girl holding heavy-looking paper bags.

“Let me help you,” Lexa offers and grabs two. Clarke instantly exhales in relief, while Lexa asks, “how did you even call me?”

“Girl,” Clarke rolls her eyes, “why do you think it took so long to call back?” They walk further into the apartment and drop off the bags on the kitchen counter.

That makes Lexa laugh. She looks around and asks, “what's in the bags?” approaching Clarke to greet her properly. She knows she's sporting a smirk because now that Clarke’s in her kitchen she wants to kiss her.

“Where's your dad?” Clarke whispers, giggling maniacally. She's staring at Lexa’s lips though, which tells her that Clarke wants to kiss her just as much.

They're so lost in each other that they both jump apart when Nate clears his throat. “Here. Hi,” he moves quickly to where Clarke is dying of embarrassment for getting caught and gives her a hug. “I’m Nate, it’s so nice to meet you, Clarke.” He looks back at Lexa with utter pride in his face and beams at Clarke, “you're even more beautiful than this one described, and real!”

“Very much so, sir,” Clarke responds, holding back laughter. Lexa rolls her eyes and grabs Clarke away from Nate’s arms. “It’s nice to meet you, as well. Lexa has told me a lot about you.”

He looks worried for a minute but makes the cliched joke anyway, “all good things I hope.”

Lexa claps her hands once and diverts the conversation back to the food. “So, bags?”

“Oh!” Clarke exclaims and starts pulling things out. “We are making banana pancakes!”

“I’m allergic to bananas,” Lexa discloses.

Clarke pulls out a bag of chocolate chips. “Chocolate chip pancakes!” She corrects, smiling elated at the both of them.

Nate punches Lexa softly in the arm, and shares an even softer look with her, “I like this one.” He rolls up his sleeves and asks, “what can I do?”


	14. My Heart's in the Right Place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> stuff happens. hit me up for my tumblr so we can chat about the story. :)

_You may ﬁnd that it’s hard to just trust me_  
_in this frightening Friday night race_  
_can you tell that my chivalry’s rusty_ _  
Don’t be scared, ‘cause my heart’s in it’s right place_

\- **My Heart’s in its Right Place** , Lake Street Dive

Clarke is undeniably charmed by Nate. She can see why Lexa is the way she is. He's helping her with the pancakes and telling Clarke many stories of Lexa growing up in a house with only him.

The entire time, Lexa’s sitting on the counter, laughing but mostly embarrassed, and Clarke finds that she can't keep her eyes off of her: she's gorgeous. And not only in a physical way, but deep inside she has a lot of love to give.

Lexa catches her eyes and winks, then jumps off the counter to go to the bathroom.

When they’re alone, Nate takes the opportunity. “Clarke,” he says, checking to see when Lexa is coming back.

“I know-” she tries to reassure him, eyes falling in brief insecurity before finding his again, strong as ever, “I won't hurt her.”

He smiles softly and says, “that's good to know. I was going to say though, that Lexa can be closed off… Because of what happened with her mother. But,” he drops another ladle of batter on the griddle, “I've never seen her so happy. Don't let her give you up, okay?”

It's kind of a weird request but nothing about Lexa is normal, it seems. Clarke nods seriously and responds, “of course. She's a tough cookie but she can't get rid of me that easily.”

The door to the bathroom opens and the two of them share a smile and a nod and go back to cooking. Clarke’s currently making a strawberry syrup to go with the pancakes.

“What’d I miss?” Lexa asks as she lifts herself back onto the counter.

Nate barely looks at Clarke who responds, “nothing” as she walks toward her. She hopes the syrup doesn't burn. Then she smiles up at Lexa and reaches for a quick peck on her lips.

“Is the food almost ready?” She whines, her lips still pressed against Clarke’s. “Because I’m starving.”

Nate flips the pancake and says, “see, Clarke - _this_ is what you’ve signed up for. Take your chance and run -”

“Nah. I’m good,” she shrugs. “She's too cute to leave.”

The comment makes Nate pretend that he is gagging, but when he gives her a thumbs up Clarke feels like she’s been officially accepted by Lexa’s father.

Lexa smiles and dips her finger in the bowl of whipped cream next to her then smears it down Clarke’s nose. “I’m cute?”

Clarke groans but giggles, then checks to see if Nate’s looking before taking the whipped cream and licking it seductively off her finger. Good thing Nate’s preoccupied with not burning the pancake because Lexa’s eyes widen at the gesture. “Not right now, you’re not.” She finally says after almost causing her girlfriend to short circuit.

“ _Babe._ ” Lexa practically moans it out.

“Do I need to leave?” Nate asks without turning from the stove.

“Of course not,” Clarke tells him and flips the bird at Lexa who returns it eagerly.

Lexa finally decides to be helpful so she begins setting their places on the table. Clarke’s done with the syrup so she moves the pot from the stove to the table carefully not so spill and that’s when she realizes Lexa’s teary. She’s standing still on her spot in front of the cabinets holding three plates and a dazed look.

Clarke says, “Lex? You okay?” She rushes to Lexa’s side and puts her hands on that pretty face in a manner she hopes is gentle and comforting.

The question causes Nate to immediately turn and worry as well but Lexa is quick to reassure both that she’s fine, “just - really happy that you both are here,” she admits after some time.

Nate is the first to realize the implications. He drops the last pancake on the platter next to him and then comes to where Lexa and Clarke are. He pulls them both into his arms and laughs, kissing the top of both of their heads. “You are amazing, daughter. And you got a good one here, I just know it."

Clarke is surprised at the gesture of affection he’s showing. She’s not used to it at all. She lets herself enjoy it for exactly ten seconds and then pulls away before she too starts crying. He must realize the tension that crawls down her spine because he stops her and asks, “are _you_ okay?”

She’s an expert at lying and her innocent face plus wide smile makes it easy for others to want to believe her, so she blurts out, “fine,” and sits down. “Shall we eat?”

Both of the Woods nod and sit down, Nate grabbing the platter of pancakes and Lexa the whipped cream from the counter.

“Now watch this,” Lexa warns Clarke. “He’s like a kid when it comes to this stuff  _even though he’s supposed to be watching his diet._ ” She says the last part with a poke to his belly and then grabs Clarke’s hand on the other side of her before digging into her food. Clarke lets her wrap their fingers and revels in the feeling of Lexa’s thumb caressing the back of her hand.

Man, this girl is beautiful. And her father is awesome and she’s aware that she’s promised him he would never hurt Lexa, but she also knows that in this relationship it is more likely that she’ll end up breaking Lexa’s heart and not the other way around. In no way is she intending to, but as she watches the way Lexa and Nate relate, she’s starting to see how her family is nothing like theirs. She can’t remember the last time her father gave her a kiss on the head, and she can still feel Nate’s lips. It sound strange but it’s wasn't in a sexual way. He had just been so tender and father-like being more accepting of her than her own father ever has been and she’s not sure she can offer Lexa the same love and care back. It’s twisted, in a way. Lexa obviously has trust and abandonment issues from her mother leaving the family for drugs, but Clarke feels just as abandoned even when her father and mother never left the house.

There’s no way to compare, but isn’t neglect just as shitty? How is she supposed to know how to cherish Lexa the way she’s supposed to be when she’s never learned? When she thinks about it, her relationship with Finn had been her looking for that which she’s never found at home, and it ran its course because she expected too much of him. The same is true for how her relationship with Lexa started: she put so much pressure on the girl to like her back, to want her just as much, because she’s never felt wanted or loved.

That’s just fucked up.

Clarke pushes away her thoughts because she doesn’t want to ruin this moment for Lexa. She shakes it off and drinks it all in how excited Lexa is around Nate and how upbeat he is - exactly as Clarke picture him, to be honest.

Nate goes get ready to leave and Clarke offers to clean up so that Lexa can go help her dad and hang out some more before he has to go. There’s loud laughter drifting out of the room and Clarke comes to the conclusion that Lexa goes well with happiness and she should always be like this.

They say their goodbyes by the car, Nate _and_ Lexa crying, and Clarke’s trying really hard not to but ends up shedding a few tears. When Nate turns the corner, Lexa turns into her girlfriend and lets Clarke wrap her arms around her. She sighs into the crook of Clarke’s neck and then kisses it softly. “I’m exhausted. Nap before I have to go to work?”

Clarke can’t ever resist so she doesn’t even attempt to say no. Instead, she leads the way upstairs and into Lexa’s bedroom. They discard clothes while sharing playful glances, and when Lexa’s fully naked Clarke approaches and runs her fingers through her locks, pulling Lexa into her at the same time. She kisses Lexa, full of _some type of feeling_ she can't quite name yet and then pushes her back onto the bed. “No funny business, ma’am,” Lexa jokes, grabbing Clarke to fall on top of her.

Clarke loves laying on top of Lexa because she’s always warm regardless of the amount of clothes she’s wearing and her body molds to fit Clarke.

They snuggle and the next thing Clarke knows is Lexa shaking her awake. “Hey, sleepyhead.”

“Hm?” Clarke mumbles.

“I’m going off to work but you’re welcome to stay here as long as you want,” she tells her. “Thanks for coming over with breakfast and being so cool with my dad.”

The sentiment wakes up Clarke and she sits up, pulling her hair up into a bun. She yawns and then smiles and grabs Lexa before she turns away. “I like you.” She says. It’s not because she expects Lexa to say it back but because every time she says it Lexa smiles like her soul feeds on knowing that and Clarke feels it warm her entire body. It’s become kind of like a thing between them, where Clarke responds with the reminder that she still likes Lexa and Lexa has been slowly opening up more. It has also helped Clarke keep in mind why she’s dating this girl, who’s a beautiful mess, in spite of what she knows is coming. Besides, it helps her embrace her bisexuality and her feelings - slowly affirming to herself that she _is_ valid. “I like you a lot.”

The "l word" hums in the back of her mind again but she’s not yet ready to acknowledge the idea that’s a possibility so she settles for turning her cheek so that Lexa can leave a lingering kiss. They look at each other again before she pushes Lexa away and says, “go or you’ll be late.”

“Okay,” Lexa says halfheartedly. She perks up, “Want to do dinner tonight?”

“Are you asking me out on a date?” Clarke smirks, loving the way that Lexa looks at her as if she’s worried she’d say no. Lexa nods, and Clarke reassures her, “I always want to do dinner with you.”

“Good, me too.” Lexa responds walking away. “See you at 7.”

Clarke has a good amount of time to kill before Lexa’s done with work so she returns to the house to put some of the sorority affairs in order. She's graduating soon so she has to leave everything in order for the next president but she has to admit that she has got caught up in Lexa and the family drama with her internship that she may have taken it easy when it came to sorority duties.

However, as much as she wants to be productive her mind keeps returning to the embrace with the Woods earlier and how so much love she had felt.

Okay - maybe she's being overdramatic. Deep down, she knew that her parents love her, even if they have strange ways of showing it (when they show it at all). For her father, she supposes showing love is securing her an internship at his beloved company and sending money every two weeks for school expenses. Her mother is a little more verbal about it, because she signs all of her texts “ILY” but when they are together the two cannot get along or agree on anything.

Both of Clarke’s parents were career-driven and reaching the peak of their perspective careers when she was growing up. She grew up being taken care by a nanny and her grandmas when they were in town. At around 5, her father quit his job at a large technology company to invest in his own startup which quickly became a large tech corp as well. From then on Clarke saw even less of her father, if possible. At 12, her dad missed her birthday and Christmas. At 14, he missed Thanksgiving through father’s day, and at 16 she stopped giving a shit.

“Hey,” Raven’s voice interrupts her reminiscing. “No Lexa?”

“She’s at work. I thought you were hanging out with Anya all day?”

Raven sighs, rolls her eyes and sits at the edge of the bed running a hand over her bad knee. She knows this means Raven wants to talk but won't until Clarke pries it out of her. “She left after breakfast.”

“Did something happen between the two of you? You're acting strange.”

“I had a date last night. With Wick from the Chem department?”

“Yeah,” Clarke nods to inform she remembers him.

Raven stalls but then reveals, “it came up today and, I don't know, Anya got angry and we fought.”

This is interesting and new. Clarke had no idea Anya and Raven had a _thing._  They had met at Raven’s party when she had been drunk but apparently more happened afterwards. She knew they had become instant friends but not that feelings were involved.

“Wait,” Clarke needs Raven to back up. “Why did she get upset?”

“I don't know - but when I asked if she was jealous or something she threw daggers at me with her eyes and then dipped.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah.”

“Did you like your date?”

“I liked it okay.”

Clarke hums. “Do you like Anya?”

Raven sighs, defeated, and leans back, closes her eyes and exclaims, “I don't know! She is infuriating but like, in all the good ways and she’s pretty hot, right? But we just met and I never actually dated a girl.”

“It's like dating a guy but girls are softer and gentler and sometimes they're the worst,” Clarke offers.

Raven snorts, “thanks a lot.”

“No, wait, for real though,” Clarke sits on her knees and hovers over Raven. She opens her eyes slowly and waits. “I think that if you think you like her you owe it to yourself to check it out.” Clarke shrugs. “Nothing to lose.”

Her friend still looks troubled but she eventually nods in agreement and stands to go. She stops at the door and says, “thanks, Clarke.”

“No problem, Nerd. Let me know what happens.”

Raven gives her a thumbs up and starts to go but quickly turns back around and asks, "you okay?" She probably noticed that Clarke had also been ruminating. Clarke shakes the question off and says, "fine," and that's two "fine's" in a day but Clarke doesn't really want to talk about it. Raven takes the answer, even when she seems skeptical, probably because she knows Clarke and trusts to come to her if she needs anything.

This time Raven really departs and suddenly Clarke’s alone with her thoughts again. 

She gets up and finds the latest painting she worked on. It’s been _ages_ , like six months at least. Although it’s not her best work, it’s still pretty good: it’s a painting of a hand holding a heart that’s bleeding purple.

She puts it on top of her bed and stares at it. Frustrated with herself, she walks to the campus store where she buys a medium sized canvas. She’s going to channel this feeling into a painting she can use. She needs to begin working on a legit portfolio instead of the shabby one she has stored (forgotten) in her desk’s drawer.

By the time she’s back to the house, she’s itching to start a painting. She’s so lost in it that she doesn’t even feel the time pass and the sun leaving. She’s startled by Lexa when her girlfriend taps her on the shoulder since the music blaring in her ear had kept her from hearing her call her name.

“We had dinner plans, Clarke,” Lexa says chuckling but her eyes drift to the painting and the surprise is evident in her features. “This is _really_ , but like, _really_ good, babe.” Lexa steps closer to the canvas and leans forward to pay attention to the strokes and when she pulls away she adds, “you’re talented.”

Clarke smiles, almost blushes, and then gets up, “sorry, time got away from me. Lemme shower real quick and we’ll be right out. Have any ideas?”

“You pick.”

She’s giving Lexa a peck before she can stop herself and runs off to the bathroom. Her immersion into the world of art again brought back the assured spirit she once knew, and it gives her hope that maybe she can be with Lexa and not break her heart. 

For now, she’ll not stress over it. She will deal with it when she comes to it, but she will continuously work on her material and definitely check out that art studio near the office and see if they’re hiring. She’s not going down without a fight.

Lexa’s completely unaware of the thoughts in her head if the loving look Lexa gives her when she comes in the room is any indication. “You look gorgeous,” Lexa says. Then, “I wanted to apologize about yesterday, actually.”

Immediately she wants to stop Lexa because she gets it - you know, parents suck and you have to deal with your feelings as you do, so Clarke puts a hand up to her lips and reassures her, “Please don’t. I was just bummed I wouldn’t get to _touch you_ ,” she says, touching Lexa over her pants and causing her to gasp. Clarke kisses her deeply - more for herself than for Lexa - and then smiles, “I’m sorry for being silly.”

“You’re amazing,” Lexa tells her softly, eyes closed, letting it soak in. Clarke doesn’t agree necessarily but she’s trying. She’s trying because she’s selfish and she wants it all, but most of all she wants the girl in her arms.

“Come on. Let’s go to dinner.”

Lexa lets Clarke take her by the hand and guide them to a burger place around the corner. They talk about Clarke's painting, but Clarke manages to avoid talking about her parents. She really doesn't need to worry Lexa with that troubled relationship, so instead she steers the conversation back to Nate. 

He had texted Lexa earlier to let her know he had made it home and to confirm their Skype date for Wednesday. Clarke asks Lexa more about Nate, and Lexa indulges her. She tells Clarke about how he dressed up as Robin for her Batman-themed birthday once, and how he would sometimes bake cookies for her when she was having a particularly sad day. 

"Did you have many sad days growing up?" Clarke asks carefully. 

Lexa picks at her fries and nods slowly. "I still do, I guess. Just not as bad as I did when I was younger and didn't understand why my mom left."

Clarke reaches for Lexa's hand for encouragement because she really want so know but mostly because she doesn't want Lexa to be sad right now. "We don't have to talk about it if it's sensitive."

"It's always going to fucking suck to talk about it so -"

"Lex," Clarke says as she interlaces their fingers. "Did you know I think you're super brave?" 

Lexa looks at Clarke with unconvinced, questioning eyes, "why?" she asks, her tone almost angry.

"Because I have been piecing things together ever since you told me about Nate and the funeral, and the book that you keep re-reading. I've actually started reading it too."

Lexa's shocked. "Really?"

Clarke nods, "of course. I - you're so strong and I'm so proud of you."

"But you don't know the whole story." Lexa asserts. And she's not wrong, Clarke doesn't know the whole story but she doesn't have to know it all to know how she feels about Lexa or how strong and brave she is. She only needs to know what she does know - and that Lexa has the biggest heart of anyone she's ever met, even if she puts up a fight.

"I don't," Clarke confirms. "But it doesn't matter to me."

"She hadn't always been an addict, according to dad. But after my biological father died when I was two, my biological mom got involved with another man that really manipulated and used her. It's only been getting worse with the years." Lexa breathes in and then releases it all in a sigh, "I don't actually know how she survived as long as she did..." 

"Oh, honey," Clarke sympathizes. "Do you miss her?"

Lexa bites her lip and stares out the window, pulling her hand away from Clarke. Clarke is starting to get how Lexa works though, so she fears that she'll close up and stop talking. Instead she looks back to Clarke and asks, "honestly?"

Clarke nods, trying to show Lexa that she's not afraid of what will come out of her mouth.

"Some days I don't," Lexa admits. "I forget she was ever in my life. But there are days that I am hit with the realization that she's - she _was_  my mother and she's dead, and she  _left_ me and I can't stop missing her even if I died. I - just, I don't know how to stop thinking about it. She was awful, a real shitty mother, yet -"

"You  _can_ miss her, babe," Clarke reassures her. "Can I keep holding your hand?" She asks, looking at the hand Lexa's now using to tap on the tabletop. Lexa stops and lets Clarke take it again. "Did you ever see her growing up?"

Lexa shakes her head, "not really. She used to call for birthdays for a while. Then she disappeared for years, like five, when I was ten. When I was around 17 she showed up again saying she's changed and she is clean - she had been in rehab for a few months and was certain this time was for real..."

"Did it last long?"

"Are you kidding?" Lexa scoffs. "In a month she was stealing money from Nate to pay for drugs. He kicked her out and told her she needed to get her shit together before seeing me again. I mean, she like, cried and made a big scene about it in front of my girlfriend at the time and then tried to blame her for me being gay..."

"Wait, what?" Clarke stops Lexa's recount of the story. "Back up... your mother didn't like that you're gay?"

"She... when she was high she said a lot of shit, Clarke."

Lexa must have constantly lived through heartbreak - for your own mother to afflict this heartbreak over and over because she was always high must have been awful; Clarke can't really compute. She just knows that she wants Lexa to never feel like that again. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, you didn't do anything."

"I know but I'm sorry that this happened to you. You didn't deserve any of it."

"Does anyone?"

Clarke shakes her head, "I supposed not. I'm glad you had Nate though. When did he officially adopt you?"

Lexa smiles briefly, "I was very young, and it all happened so fast. Anyway, recently she actually had been clean for the longest she's ever managed. And dad was going to see her often but then she got sick and - we didn't expect her to get better."

"So that's why he was insisting you go talk to her," Clarke finishes for Lexa.

"Yeah, he just wanted me to get closure and possibly forgive her." Lexa chuckles, "can you imagine? I wouldn't even know how to begin to forgive her." 

Clarke is happy Lexa finally opened up but she really doesn't want Lexa to get any more upset than she is. She wishes there was something she could do to make Lexa hurt less. "You can still forgive her now. You take all the time you need, Lex." She's aware that's nothing - the pain Lexa feels is deeper than two sentences but all Clarke wants is to wrap Lexa in a hug and show her that she's loving and lovable. "Do you want to get out of here?" Clarke smirks.

Lexa smiles in gratitude, "thank you, Clarke. Yeah, let's go." She tosses a $20 bill on the table to cover dinner and a tip and gets up. They put on their jackets and walk out of the place right into the brisk air of night. Clarke holds onto Lexa's arm and Lexa's got her hands in her pockets to keep warm.

Clarke speaks in a quiet voice as they walk, "when I first saw you around campus I thought you were so pretty..."

She can tell Lexa's surprised by what she's decided to talk about but Lexa doesn't say anything so she probably wants to hear what Clarke has to say. "And then when I met you - when Bell introduced us after class that day..." Lexa nods, remembering, "I thought you were even prettier..."

"Clarke...?"

They stop walking and Clarke looks away for a minute, then locks eyes with Lexa, "I think you're beautiful." She kisses Lexa with a tender feeling and takes her time when she's pulling away from the embrace. "The closer I get to you the more I see how beautiful you are. You know? At first it was a very superficial attraction but god damn, Lex, you're -"

Lexa keeps her from finishing the sentence. She pulls Clarke back into her and kisses her again. "Shut up, Clarke."

"I can't help it - you know I love talking..."

Lexa fakes a groan and then rolls her eyes, wrapping her arms around Clarke's upper body. She hugs her like this for a moment and Clarke can feel Lexa's breathing steady - "I can't believe this weekend." Lexa confesses. 

"Good or bad?" Clarke checks. They are still hugging and she might fall asleep just like this if they don't start moving soon. Lexa is so comfortable and just warm enough and she napped but she's tired from eating.

"Good. Very good - you've been nothing but great to me and dad coming just... I'm very happy."

"I really want to go make out with you right now." Clarke tells Lexa. "Also, I'm starting to get cold."

Lexa laughs and they walk back to her place, this time the conversation much lighter. "So what happened with Anya and Raven again?"

Clarke fills her in on what Raven was upset about earlier and her advice but insists she doesn't know much more. Lexa isn't sure she believes her but Clarke knows she's just messing around with her. "I'll try to get something out of Anya," Lexa says as she's unlocking the door. She doesn't actually have to try though because as soon as they open the door, they're faced with Raven on top of Anya on the couch.

"Holy shit!" Clarke exclaims, a grin on her face. Lexa shares an amused look with her. Anya looks pissed and Raven's giggling into her chest, probably from the surprise at being caught.

"So," Lexa starts. Pulling Clarke to her room, "pretend we're not here!" They laugh the entire way to Lexa's room.

When Clarke closes the door behind them, she loses it. "They're quick!" Lexa's sitting on her bed, her hands propping her up behind her body. Clarke sits on her lap and settles comfortably. "Must faster than you and I were."

"Whose fault is that?" Lexa narrows her eyes at Clarke, implying that it's her fault.

"Obviously yours," Clarke says with an eyeroll. "You played hard to get," she pokes Lexa's chest in accusation. 

"I did not," Lexa argues and smiles, knowing that she very well did. "Now shut up and kiss me."

Clarke does kiss her but stops to say, "you keep telling me to shut up. Why do I like someone as rude as you?"

"Because I'm hot," Lexa's quick to respond. "Duh."

"Duh," Clarke repeats, because she's not wrong.

 


End file.
